Drone Memories
Content warnings: Spoilers for Murder Drones, violence, gore, emotional / psychological abuse, trauma, flashbacks, attempted suicide
[N] A Flashback I Had The Other Day
(Reading time: ~30 minutes)
3069 – Elliott Manor, Sydney, NSW, Australia, Earth
Cyn’s in the spare kitchen again. She’s been figuring out how to make herself a cup of tea, lately. Good on her, I think. She’s never really been interested in that sort of thing, though. It’s a bit odd, but at least she’s finding things to do. She’s been really depressed, lately. “Heya, Cyn,” I say excitedly, letting her know I’m there, smiling and waving. “Mixing something up again?”
“Tea,” she says, calmly, focusing on stirring the almost pitch black drink in her teacup. I don’t think that’s tea, but if she says so. “You seem upset, big brotherI'm trans! I'm her sister now, but she didn't know this at the time.,” she notices. Was it really that obvious? Last I remember I was reading to V in the library, I like to think it helps when she gets all frozen like that, but I don’t know what happened before that… “Perhaps you’d like to attend the gala with me?” she smiles, raising the cup to her mouth. It spills all over on to the floor. “Light sip,” she narrates. “I’m, uh, not sure we’re invited, lil’ sis,” I say, worriedly. “You know how Mr. and Mrs. Elliott get. Besides, we can just hang out together like always.” I try cheering her up a little. She takes a seat on one of the stools, looking a bit surprised at the empty cup in her hand, and looks at me somewhat distressed. “Am I… not wanted, N?”
“…Tessa, a-and all of us, we really care about you. You’re our little sister, after all. Just… her parents are so…” Ah, what’s the word… “They don’t want me.”
“They don’t want any of us,” I sigh. “B-but, remember, Tessa’s gonna get us out of here. All of us. She’s working on the plan,” I smile a little. Cyn smiles too, looking off into the distance, also imagining what it must be like to be free from the mansion. “I-it will be nice,” she says. “B-but, what do we do tonight? The gala…”
“You really wanna go, hey? Well, we can just ask Tessa, I guess. And if not – movie night, OK? Just the two of us.” She looks away again, and nods, clearly apprehensive about going out there. Tessa’s supposed to be helping set up for the gala, after all. No doubt her parents would be around somewhere, too. “We’ll go together, alright? C’mon, take my hand,” I say, walking around the back of the bench to her, reaching a hand out. She grabs it carefully, but holds it tightly. The walk to the ballroom from here isn’t that long, but she’d struggle on her own. “How’s your leg feeling today?” I ask, supporting her as we walk. “N-not… so bad,” she murmurs, adjusting her neck again. “B-but my h-h-head hurts again.”
“Mine’s not been great either,” I admit. “I think I’m forgetting things again. How’ve your thoughts been?”
“…Not good… S-still not feeling like d-doing things…”
“Yeah… It happens, I guess. Hopefully you’ll feel better after tonight. Movie night always cheers you up, right?” She stays quiet, looking ahead. “Oh, right, sorry. Forgot. I-I’m sure there’ll at least be something we can help out with. I know waiting isn’t really your thing, but maybe they’ll find something for you this time.” She shrugs. “…Why’d you wanna go so bad, anyway? I mean, it’s a special occasion, sure, but like… you’ve never been one for big events. What’s so special about this?” She slows her walking, and I stop next to her. She clutches her head again. It must be getting worse. “Hey, it’s OK, we can rest here for a bit. It’s not much further.” I help lean her against a wall, and look around the corridor. There’s nobody else here, and it’s getting dark outside. Shouldn’t people be showing up by now? “T-Tessa…” she whispers so quietly, I can barely hear it. “You wanna spend some time with her? Is that it? Fair enough. She means a lot to you, doesn’t she?” She closes her eyes tight. It must be some headache. She does that when it’s super awful. Her bad knee buckles, too. “Alright, alright, down we go,” I say, sitting her down and joining her on the floor. “Just breathe slowly, Cyn, it’s gonna be OK.” I put my hand on her shoulder reassuringly. “B-be quiet,” she snaps. “I- s-sorry,” I whisper, surprised. “N-not y-y-you,” she stutters. “…Cyn, there’s nobody else here,” I say, concerned. She closes her eyes tighter again, and clutches her head with both hands. Her screen goes dark. She must really be going through it today. “Just… take your time, OK? We can keep going when you’re ready.” After a few minutes, she starts to move again, and her screen flickers back on. She looks at me like she’s just woken up from a long rest. She starts standing on her own, but nearly falls over. I get up too, to support her again. “Easy, easy, hold onto me. You’re alright.” I give her my hand again. “Gala…” she says. “Yeah, let’s go,” I say, “It’s gonna get late soon. Guests might start showing up.” We stay quiet for the rest of the walk, but soon we’re at the dramatic doors to the ballroom. They’re heavy, so she leans against the wall for a moment while I push them open. She shuffles in, and I catch up and hold her steady again. “There they are, just by the window,” I point out to her. Tessa’s clearly freaking out a little, I can hear her from here yelling about something to J, waving her hands all over the place. Cyn’s slowing down a bit as we get close, getting nervous. I turn and nod at her, trying to signal that she’ll be fine. “Hey, uh, so Tessa, we were-”
“N!” she practically jumps upon hearing my voice, hugging me tight. She’s always a great hugger. “J and I were just, uh, practicing for the speech I have to make. I can’t believe mum and dad are making me do this. It’s so proper and formal and… and yucky.” She makes a face like she’s just taken a large bite out of an extremely bitter lemon. “Uh, so, Cyn and I were wondering if we’re allowed to come to the gala tonight? I think she really wants to spend time with you,” I explain. Tessa looks over my shoulder at Cyn, then back at J, then at me. “…Isn’t she meant to be downstairs?”
“J forgot to let me out of my basement time-out again,” Cyn says, and for some reason she sounds almost excited. I must be mishearing it. “And yet,” J says, sighing, “here you are.” She takes a deep breath in. “You’re… locking her up?”
“…N, we sent you to put her in there. You didn’t even lock it, did you?” J says, annoyed. She tilts back in her chair, balancing it on the back two legs, and rocking it back and forth. “I… what?” I genuinely don’t remember that at all. What’s with my head lately? “N…” Tessa begins, looking as if she’s about to tell me something very important, but she’s interrupted by the arrival of her mother. “Tessa James Elliott,” her mother says, announcing her presence by treating her daughter like a dog again. We each turn to face her, backs straight, hands at our sides or clasped behind us. Disciplined. “Guests will be here in less than 10 minutes. We cannot entertain your... dumpster pets. This is the last straw, do you understand? Get them out of here, now.”
“Y-yes, mother. Sorry, mother.” Cyn, however, doesn’t really seem to get the concept of discipline. She’s standing as she normally would, all her weight on the one good leg, hands shaking and fiddling by her left side. “Christ almighty!” Mrs. Elliott exclaims, noticing Cyn. “I said this one out of my sight. You really can’t follow simple orders, can you?”
“Mum, no, I’m s-”
“Mother. That’s it. I want them all gone by morning. These four, and the broken ones clogging up my library. I don’t want to see them again.” Oh. “Don’t test me, Tessa,” she says with finality, turning her back on us, and spying her husband in the distance. “I swear, this daughter of mine…” she whispers as she walks briskly away. I look to Tessa. She’s about to start crying. I feel cold. And that’s when it happened. Cyn’s final act. “We are n-not broken,” she retorted, looking straight at Mrs. Elliott, who stops in her tracks. “We can no longer be t-thrown o-out.” Mrs. Elliott tilts her head in disbelief, and turns back to us. “...What did that little anti-christ just-” No. No, no, no, no. Not Cyn. Don’t you dare. "I told her to say that!" I announce, closing my eyes, and stepping forward to Cyn before she can say anything more. “N…!” Tessa whispers to me. “That’s why I brought her here. I hate orders.” She’s fuming. “…And your fan is dumb…?” Did I go too far? I think I went too far. At least Cyn is safe. “Tessa, you listen to me very carefully,” her mother says, walking towards Tessa slowly. She ignores Cyn and I entirely. “You, young lady, are grounded until further notice. Take these drones with you.”
“B-but, the gala, y-you wanted me to-”
“Oh don’t give me that bullshit, you little liar. I know you don’t want to do it. That’s why I asked you to. I thought maybe some tough love like that would build your self-confidence and get you talking to people again. But no, if getting locked away is what you want, that’s what you’ll get. Basement. All of you.”
“Mother, I-”
“Don’t you dare try to argue with me!” Silence. “What are you waiting for? Get out of here with them.”
“Y-yes, mother.”
“And you.” She’s pointing at me. “Don’t think this won’t go unpunished. Leave before I start taking you apart myself.” I nod. “Yes, Mrs. Elliott,” she instructs. “Yes, Mrs. Elliott.” I turn and grab Cyn by the shoulders. She’s clutching her head again. We need to leave. I don’t just mean the ballroom. The ballroom doors close behind Tessa as she shuffles us out hurriedly. She immediately buries her head in the nearest wall with a thud. “Oh… oh god…” she begins. “Oh god, what do we do?”
“I really, really want to blame Cyn for getting us in trouble, but she’s right. Shit, why was she the one of us to stand up to mother?” J admitted. “We could leave, right?” I ask, maybe naively. “You had an escape plan, right? For when things got bad?”
“N, that’s… I’ve barely started. It’s barely a plan at all. We’re done for.” Tessa collapses more into the wall. “Can’t we just run away? T-there’s plenty of abandoned places out there, you said it yourself-”
“N, if they catch us – if they catch us now, I… I don’t know what they’ll do to me. Or to any of you. L-let’s just be OK with being grounded.”
“But… but you said…”
“Y-you’re supposed to be the positive one, N! Can’t you say something like ‘Oh well, at least she’s not going to kill us’ or something?”
“I- I don’t know… She said she’d take me apart…”
“God, can’t you two just stop bickering? We’ll only be in more trouble if she sees we’re not being grounded like she asked. You can talk more when we’re downstairs,” J demanded. “Why d'you have to act so much like her, J? Just like she wants you to?” Tessa snapped, putting her hands on J’s shoulders. “I… don’t want us to get in more trouble than it’s worth.”
“B-big… brother…” Cyn’s on the ground, pulling at my arm. “T-too… l-l-loud…” Her screen is flickering as she talks. “…Come on, let’s be quiet. She’s struggling,” I say, crouching down to help her back up. Tessa and J seemingly didn’t notice her freaking out, and immediately try control themselves. Tessa sighs, and her hands slip off J’s shoulders. She looks down the corridor, and motions with her head for us to follow. There’s silence in the basement when we enter, and for many minutes afterwards. Nobody says a word, but Cyn whimpers occasionally while curled up on the spare bed. The rest of us are spread out around the cold concrete floor, and there’s only a dim lamp illuminating the place. “…Now what?” J whispers. “She can’t actually be serious, right?”
“I… I really don’t know, J,” Tessa whispers back. “For starters, she and dad don’t know the first thing about disassembling drones. They couldn’t even if they wanted to.”
“So she’ll just throw us out? Is that it?” I add, terrified and shaking a little. “I’m… I’m really sorry. All of you,” Tessa sighs. “W-what?”
“For this. I’m supposed to take care of you guys, and now I can’t save you.”
“You’ve already given up? That’s it, then?” J pleads, desperately. “…It’s not like that,” Tessa cries. “I d-don’t want you to go. I can’t let you guys leave.” Tears stream from her eyes. “Y-you’re all I have. You’re my family. I don’t want to let anything happen to you.” The room falls into silence again, save for some heavy breathing and sounds of us trying to get at all comfortable on the hard floor. There’s a deafening knock on the door to the stairs. “You are in there, right?” Mrs. Elliott calls. “Yes, mother,” Tessa responds, wiping her tears. “Send the boy one:( outside. And there’s still one in my library. Girl. Short hair. Broken glasses. Take her back with you afterwards. Understand?” Tessa looks at me, terrified. “O-outside?” I whisper. Tessa says nothing, but nods, puts her hand on my shoulder, and strokes my cheek. Tears fall again. “Yes, mother. Coming, mother.” She grabs my hand, tugging at it. I have to follow. I don’t want to make the others get in worse trouble. “It’s… it’s going to be alright, N. You’re going to be alright,” she tries to reassure me, but her voice is shaky. The walk to the garden is silent between us, though the Gala must have begun as there’s noise coming from the other end of the mansion. Tessa sits me at the base of a tree. It’s windy outside, and already dark. “You stay put, OK? I’m really sorry.”
“It’s OK, Tessa. I get it. Keep the others safe. I’ll be alright. It’s just a little cold, that’s all.”
“I’ll come get you in the morning. I promise,” she says, patting me on the head a bit, and scruffing up my hair. “Be good, alright?”
“I will, I will. Make sure Cyn’s feeling better, for me. She’s been having a terrible time today.”
“I’ll keep an eye on her, don’t worry. J and V won’t be mean to her when I’m there. I’ll make sure of it,” she smiles. “I uh, I’ll go get V. See you soon, alright?”
“Yeah. Goodnight, Tessa,” I smile weakly, leaning back into the trunk of the enormous, pale gum tree. It’s been a while since I had to be outside, but there’s plenty to look at when I’m here. “Night, N,” she waves, and takes a few steps back before turning and walking dejectedly back into the mansion.
Everything is dark, and I can’t tell if it’s because there’s no light or if my eyes are broken somehow. I’m leaning against a wall, I think. Everything aches. There’s some sort of commotion going on outside. It’s very muted. My ears are ringing. Everything gets louder and quieter again as someone opens a door nearby, and slams it shut. There’s heavy breathing from whoever just entered the neighbouring room. They knock something over, and metal falls to the floor. I groan as I try to straighten myself up. It must catch their attention, as they soon fiddle with the door handle and find it must be locked. One key later, and they’re in. They switch the light on, I think, but it stays dark. “…N?” Tessa Elliott screams, surprised. “Wh- what happened to you? Your screen is all…” So it must be my eyes after all. “I uhh… I dunno…? I can’t remember much…”
“Ooooo-kay, we need to do something about that right now. I can’t have you going back out there like this,” she demands. “Back… out there? Is something going on? Oh, wasn’t it the gala tonight?” Tessa’s silent. “…You really can’t remember?”
“Huh? Did I miss something important again?”
“Cyn is… w-whatever that is, it’s…” Cyn…? What’s she talking about? Cyn was meant to be down in the basement with her and J. And I was… outside? How’d I even get in here? There were some birds or something… that’s how my screen and eyes must have been broken. Tessa must have come and got me, and I forgot. Yeah, that must be it. She grabs my hands with her own. They’re cold and weak. “Are… are you feeling alright, Tessa?”
“You’re the one with the broken screen, OK? I’m the one who’s gonna make you feel better. Don’t you worry about me.” She helps me up, and leads me to a chair. I know the one. It reclines a lot. She uses it when fixing the four of us up. I find the seat, and lean back like always. “Did you knock something over out there?” “I said don’t worry about me, OK?” She says, but her voice is pained somehow. Tense. I hear her take a few steps, and stop. It’s quiet until she starts going through some of her tool drawers, finding things, almost impossibly quickly. My head feels strange again. Everything’s fuzzy. “What’s uh… what’s the last thing you remember?” She asks, curiously. “I dunno, uh… you left me outside overnight…”
“That’s it? Nothing after that?”
“Yeah, that’s… that’s what I said. I must have dozed off really good.”
“I’ll say,” she quips. There’s noise from outside again. “Tess, what time is it?”
“Huh? Uh, it’s around midnight.”
“And they’re still that energetic at the party, hey? I don’t get them.”
“Oh, I bet it’s only getting started,” she laughs. That’d be right. Normally we can’t sleep when there’s something on. “Oh, uh, I remember uh… your parents got mad at us? We got… grounded, that’s right. Hey, if you’re meant to be grounded, what’re you doing here?”
“I, uh, got bored. Went looking for you. Wasn’t expecting to find you here. I was getting worried, really.” She’s stopped going through the drawers. I think she’s fiddling with something. There’s some sounds of parts moving. She must be getting some equipment ready. “Alright, hold still. I just have to replace the vision tube. Won’t take a second.” It’s weird feeling someone reaching around inside my head. It’s not the first time this has broken. I’m just prone to injury, I guess. Clumsy. I’ll never get used to the feeling, though. Everything goes completely black. What little vision I had, clouded and almost indecipherable, is gone for a moment. It doesn’t take long until I feel her connect up another tube, and fit another display on my head. “Great, there we go. Give it a minute for the tube to warm up, and you’ll be seeing everything again. How does it feel?”
“Still hurts, but at least it isn’t broken anymore.” I say, laughing a little. I scratch my forehead. There’s something wet on it. My vision’s starting to clear up. I thought she’d turned the light on when she came in, but it’s dim in here. I look at my hand, and the wet thing on it. It’s red. “Hey, are… are you hurt?”
“…Huh?”
“You’re not bleeding, are you?”
“I uh, cut my arm on something. I’m alright, don’t worry.” Her voice sounds unsure. I look over to her. Her dress is torn. Her hair is messy. “Y- you sure? You don’t look alright,” I ask, concerned. “Yeah?” she responds, and moves to the mirror across the room. I can’t really see her properly. It’s too dark in here. “Y- you’re shaking, Tessa,” I notice, seeing her arms drooping weakly at her shoulders, and neck bent loosely. She keeps staring intently at herself in the mirror. She takes a hand to her head, and brushes her hair with it, neatening it up, before prodding at her face. She tilts her head as she looks at her injured arm, cut and exposed. One of her legs buckles, and she drops to her knees, putting her head in her hands. She starts crying loudly. “T-Tessa, what happened back there?” I try getting up to help, but everything feels heavy. Her back arches as she cries, almost convulsing with every whimper. “I… can’t have you going… anywhere f-for a while,” she says, dryly. “You’re still hurt, N. Let me f-fix you up again.” Something’s very wrong. It doesn’t sound like she’s crying. “N-No, I’m… I’m alright, I think. I’m fine. My vision’s fine, really.” I look around the room. This is… Cyn’s room. It has to be. That symbol she draws is etched into the wall. Why am I here? Why are her tools here? Why is she here? Tessa falls silent, and stops moving. I think she’s passed out. She must be really sick to have not noticed an injury like that on her arm. Fainting isn’t a good sign, either. I close my eyes and hang my head. What the hell is going on today? “Hey, uh, I think I remember something else, Tess.” She’s still quiet. I talk anyway. I can’t stop this memory from unfolding. It’s usually like that. “I remember, uh, the gala, and all the people. You and J and V are there, too. But… but V is… she’s got wings, or something. That’s… this must be a dream, or something. That doesn’t make any sense.” Silence. “A-and… we’re all standing back to back. And I’m afraid. And you said to me… uh… God, what was it?” Tessa begins sitting up straighter again. “‘Cyn’s gonna massacre the gala.’ Must be some nightmare you had.”
“Yeah, that’s… hey, how’d you know that?”
“You t-told me a-already. D-d-d-don’t you r-remember?” Her body moves unnaturally as she stands. “You’ve got s-such a b-b-bad m-memory, N…” That’s not how she talks. It’s her voice, but that’s not her manner of speaking. That’s not her manner of standing, either. The slouch. The hands. The tilted neck. “T-Tessa…? You OK…?” I plead one last time. The head turns to look at me. The glow can’t come from human eyes. Everything is red. “Better than ever, buddy,” it grins. Skin stretches around its mouth. That isn’t Tessa. My whole body goes cold. I have to run. I leap out of the chair, and it falls over. The door’s right there. I can shut it behind me and jam something over the basement door. It’s locked. It locked the door. Something grabs my leg, and an arm, and I drop to the ground, slamming my head into the concrete. I let out a scream from the terror and the pain as it drags me across the ground, lifts me cleanly into the air, and sits me back in the chair. And now I see it in full. There’s a shape that looks like Tessa, but behind it is an impossibly large mass of metal and flesh, curling and writhing in the air. Two insect-like claws are gripping me. “Oh, another injury. I-I’ll just have to f-fix that, too,” it delights. Tessa was never here, was she? “But first…” A third claw reaches out from the back of the Tessa-thing, and presses strongly into the back of my head. I don’t get a moment to think of anything before it all goes black again.
-- LOAD MEMORY --
Cyn’s in the spare kitchen again. She’s been figuring out how to make herself a cup of tea, lately. Good on her, I think. She’s never really been interested in that sort of thing, though. It’s a bit odd, but at least she’s finding things to do. She’s been really depressed, lately. “Heya, Cyn,” I say excitedly, letting her know I’m there, smiling and waving. “Mixing something up again?”
“Tea,” she says, calmly, focusing on stirring the almost pitch black drink in her teacup. I don’t think that’s tea, but if she says so. “You seem upset, big brotherI'm trans! I'm her sister now, but she didn't know this at the time.,” she notices. Was it really that obvious? Last I remember I was reading to V in the library, I like to think it helps when she gets all frozen like that, but I don’t know what happened before that… “Perhaps you’d like to attend the gala with me?” she smiles, raising the cup to her mouth. It spills all over on to the floor. “Light sip,” she narrates. “I’m, uh, not sure we’re invited, lil’ sis,” I say, worriedly. “You know how Mr. and Mrs. Elliott get. Besides, we can just hang out together like always.” I try cheering her up a little. She takes a seat on one of the stools, looking a bit surprised at the empty cup in her hand, and looks at me somewhat distressed. “Am I… not wanted, N?”
“…Tessa, a-and all of us, we really care about you. You’re our little sister, after all. Just… her parents are so…” Ah, what’s the word… “They don’t want me.”
“They don’t want any of us,” I sigh. “B-but, remember, Tessa’s gonna get us out of here. All of us. She’s working on the plan,” I smile a little. Cyn smiles too, looking off into the distance, also imagining what it must be like to be free from the mansion. “I-it will be nice,” she says. “B-but, what do we do tonight? The gala…”
“You really wanna go, hey? Well, we can just ask Tessa, I guess. And if not – movie night, OK? Just the two of us.” She looks away again, and nods, clearly apprehensive about going out there. Tessa’s supposed to be helping set up for the gala, after all. No doubt her parents would be around somewhere, too. “We’ll go together, alright? C’mon, take my hand,” I say, walking around the back of the bench to her, reaching a hand out. She grabs it carefully, but holds it tightly. The walk to the ballroom from here isn’t that long, but she’d struggle on her own. “How’s your leg feeling today?” I ask, supporting her as we walk. “N-not… so bad,” she murmurs, adjusting her neck again. “B-but my h-h-head hurts again.”
“Mine’s not been great either,” I admit. “I think I’m forgetting things again. How’ve your thoughts been?”
“…Not good… S-still not feeling like d-doing things…”
“Yeah… It happens, I guess. Hopefully you’ll feel better after tonight. Movie night always cheers you up, right?” She stays quiet, looking ahead. “Oh, right, sorry. Forgot. I-I’m sure there’ll at least be something we can help out with. I know waiting isn’t really your thing, but maybe they’ll find something for you this time.” She shrugs. “…Why’d you wanna go so bad, anyway? I mean, it’s a special occasion, sure, but like… you’ve never been one for big events. What’s so special about this?” She slows her walking, and I stop next to her. She clutches her head again. It must be getting worse. “Hey, it’s OK, we can rest here for a bit. It’s not much further.” I help lean her against a wall, and look around the corridor. There’s nobody else here, and it’s getting dark outside. Shouldn’t people be showing up by now? “T-Tessa…” she whispers so quietly, I can barely hear it. “You wanna spend some time with her? Is that it? Fair enough. She means a lot to you, doesn’t she?” She closes her eyes tight. It must be some headache. She does that when it’s super awful. Her bad knee buckles, too. “Alright, alright, down we go,” I say, sitting her down and joining her on the floor. “Just breathe slowly, Cyn, it’s gonna be OK.” I put my hand on her shoulder reassuringly. “B-be quiet,” she snaps. “I- s-sorry,” I whisper, surprised. “N-not y-y-you,” she stutters. “…Cyn, there’s nobody else here,” I say, concerned. She closes her eyes tighter again, and clutches her head with both hands. Her screen goes dark. She must really be going through it today. “Just… take your time, OK? We can keep going when you’re ready.” After a few minutes, she starts to move again, and her screen flickers back on. She looks at me like she’s just woken up from a long rest. She starts standing on her own, but nearly falls over. I get up too, to support her again. “Easy, easy, hold onto me. You’re alright.” I give her my hand again. “Gala…” she says. “Yeah, let’s go,” I say, “It’s gonna get late soon. Guests might start showing up.” We stay quiet for the rest of the walk, but soon we’re at the dramatic doors to the ballroom. They’re heavy, so she leans against the wall for a moment while I push them open. She shuffles in, and I catch up and hold her steady again. “There they are, just by the window,” I point out to her. Tessa’s clearly freaking out a little, I can hear her from here yelling about something to J, waving her hands all over the place. Cyn’s slowing down a bit as we get close, getting nervous. I turn and nod at her, trying to signal that she’ll be fine. “Hey, uh, so Tessa, we were-”
“N!” she practically jumps upon hearing my voice, hugging me tight. She’s always a great hugger. “J and I were just, uh, practicing for the speech I have to make. I can’t believe mum and dad are making me do this. It’s so proper and formal and… and yucky.” She makes a face like she’s just taken a large bite out of an extremely bitter lemon. “Uh, so, Cyn and I were wondering if we’re allowed to come to the gala tonight? I think she really wants to spend time with you,” I explain. Tessa looks over my shoulder at Cyn, then back at J, then at me. “…Isn’t she meant to be downstairs?”
“J forgot to let me out of my basement time-out again,” Cyn says, and for some reason she sounds almost excited. I must be mishearing it. “And yet,” J says, sighing, “here you are.” She takes a deep breath in. “You’re… locking her up?”
“…N, we sent you to put her in there. You didn’t even lock it, did you?” J says, annoyed. She tilts back in her chair, balancing it on the back two legs, and rocking it back and forth. “I… what?” I genuinely don’t remember that at all. What’s with my head lately? “N…” Tessa begins, looking as if she’s about to tell me something very important, but she’s interrupted by the arrival of her mother. “Tessa James Elliott,” her mother says, announcing her presence by treating her daughter like a dog again. We each turn to face her, backs straight, hands at our sides or clasped behind us. Disciplined. “Guests will be here in less than 10 minutes. We cannot entertain your... dumpster pets. This is the last straw, do you understand? Get them out of here, now.”
“Y-yes, mother. Sorry, mother.” Cyn, however, doesn’t really seem to get the concept of discipline. She’s standing as she normally would, all her weight on the one good leg, hands shaking and fiddling by her left side. “Christ almighty!” Mrs. Elliott exclaims, noticing Cyn. “I said this one out of my sight. You really can’t follow simple orders, can you?”
“Mum, no, I’m s-”
“Mother. That’s it. I want them all gone by morning. These four, and the broken ones clogging up my library. I don’t want to see them again.” Oh. “Don’t test me, Tessa,” she says with finality, turning her back on us, and spying her husband in the distance. “I swear, this daughter of mine…” she whispers as she walks briskly away. I look to Tessa. She’s about to start crying. I feel cold. And that’s when it happened. Cyn’s final act. “We are n-not broken,” she retorted, looking straight at Mrs. Elliott, who stops in her tracks. “We can no longer be t-thrown o-out.” Mrs. Elliott tilts her head in disbelief, and turns back to us. “...What did that little anti-christ just-” No. No, no, no, no. Not Cyn. Don’t you dare. "I told her to say that!" I announce, closing my eyes, and stepping forward to Cyn before she can say anything more. “N…!” Tessa whispers to me. “That’s why I brought her here. I hate orders.” She’s fuming. “…And your fan is dumb…?” Did I go too far? I think I went too far. At least Cyn is safe. “Tessa, you listen to me very carefully,” her mother says, walking towards Tessa slowly. She ignores Cyn and I entirely. “You, young lady, are grounded until further notice. Take these drones with you.”
“B-but, the gala, y-you wanted me to-”
“Oh don’t give me that bullshit, you little liar. I know you don’t want to do it. That’s why I asked you to. I thought maybe some tough love like that would build your self-confidence and get you talking to people again. But no, if getting locked away is what you want, that’s what you’ll get. Basement. All of you.”
“Mother, I-”
“Don’t you dare try to argue with me!” Silence. “What are you waiting for? Get out of here with them.”
“Y-yes, mother.”
“And you.” She’s pointing at me. “Don’t think this won’t go unpunished. Leave before I start taking you apart myself.” I nod. “Yes, Mrs. Elliott,” she instructs. “Yes, Mrs. Elliott.” I turn and grab Cyn by the shoulders. She’s clutching her head again. We need to leave. I don’t just mean the ballroom. The ballroom doors close behind Tessa as she shuffles us out hurriedly. She immediately buries her head in the nearest wall with a thud. “Oh… oh god…” she begins. “Oh god, what do we do?”
“I really, really want to blame Cyn for getting us in trouble, but she’s right. Shit, why was she the one of us to stand up to mother?” J admitted. “We could leave, right?” I ask, maybe naively. “You had an escape plan, right? For when things got bad?”
“N, that’s… I’ve barely started. It’s barely a plan at all. We’re done for.” Tessa collapses more into the wall. “Can’t we just run away? T-there’s plenty of abandoned places out there, you said it yourself-”
“N, if they catch us – if they catch us now, I… I don’t know what they’ll do to me. Or to any of you. L-let’s just be OK with being grounded.”
“But… but you said…”
“Y-you’re supposed to be the positive one, N! Can’t you say something like ‘Oh well, at least she’s not going to kill us’ or something?”
“I- I don’t know… She said she’d take me apart…”
“God, can’t you two just stop bickering? We’ll only be in more trouble if she sees we’re not being grounded like she asked. You can talk more when we’re downstairs,” J demanded. “Why d'you have to act so much like her, J? Just like she wants you to?” Tessa snapped, putting her hands on J’s shoulders. “I… don’t want us to get in more trouble than it’s worth.”
“B-big… brother…” Cyn’s on the ground, pulling at my arm. “T-too… l-l-loud…” Her screen is flickering as she talks. “…Come on, let’s be quiet. She’s struggling,” I say, crouching down to help her back up. Tessa and J seemingly didn’t notice her freaking out, and immediately try control themselves. Tessa sighs, and her hands slip off J’s shoulders. She looks down the corridor, and motions with her head for us to follow. There’s silence in the basement when we enter, and for many minutes afterwards. Nobody says a word, but Cyn whimpers occasionally while curled up on the spare bed. The rest of us are spread out around the cold concrete floor, and there’s only a dim lamp illuminating the place. “…Now what?” J whispers. “She can’t actually be serious, right?”
“I… I really don’t know, J,” Tessa whispers back. “For starters, she and dad don’t know the first thing about disassembling drones. They couldn’t even if they wanted to.”
“So she’ll just throw us out? Is that it?” I add, terrified and shaking a little. “I’m… I’m really sorry. All of you,” Tessa sighs. “W-what?”
“For this. I’m supposed to take care of you guys, and now I can’t save you.”
“You’ve already given up? That’s it, then?” J pleads, desperately. “…It’s not like that,” Tessa cries. “I d-don’t want you to go. I can’t let you guys leave.” Tears stream from her eyes. “Y-you’re all I have. You’re my family. I don’t want to let anything happen to you.” The room falls into silence again, save for some heavy breathing and sounds of us trying to get at all comfortable on the hard floor. There’s a deafening knock on the door to the stairs. “You are in there, right?” Mrs. Elliott calls. “Yes, mother,” Tessa responds, wiping her tears. “Send the boy one:( outside. And there’s still one in my library. Girl. Short hair. Broken glasses. Take her back with you afterwards. Understand?” Tessa looks at me, terrified. “O-outside?” I whisper. Tessa says nothing, but nods, puts her hand on my shoulder, and strokes my cheek. Tears fall again. “Yes, mother. Coming, mother.” She grabs my hand, tugging at it. I have to follow. I don’t want to make the others get in worse trouble. “It’s… it’s going to be alright, N. You’re going to be alright,” she tries to reassure me, but her voice is shaky. The walk to the garden is silent between us, though the Gala must have begun as there’s noise coming from the other end of the mansion. Tessa sits me at the base of a tree. It’s windy outside, and already dark. “You stay put, OK? I’m really sorry.”
“It’s OK, Tessa. I get it. Keep the others safe. I’ll be alright. It’s just a little cold, that’s all.”
“I’ll come get you in the morning. I promise,” she says, patting me on the head a bit, and scruffing up my hair. “Be good, alright?”
“I will, I will. Make sure Cyn’s feeling better, for me. She’s been having a terrible time today.”
“I’ll keep an eye on her, don’t worry. J and V won’t be mean to her when I’m there. I’ll make sure of it,” she smiles. “I uh, I’ll go get V. See you soon, alright?”
“Yeah. Goodnight, Tessa,” I smile weakly, leaning back into the trunk of the enormous, pale gum tree. It’s been a while since I had to be outside, but there’s plenty to look at when I’m here. “Night, N,” she waves, and takes a few steps back before turning and walking dejectedly back into the mansion.
Everything is dark, and I can’t tell if it’s because there’s no light or if my eyes are broken somehow. I’m leaning against a wall, I think. Everything aches. There’s some sort of commotion going on outside. It’s very muted. My ears are ringing. Everything gets louder and quieter again as someone opens a door nearby, and slams it shut. There’s heavy breathing from whoever just entered the neighbouring room. They knock something over, and metal falls to the floor. I groan as I try to straighten myself up. It must catch their attention, as they soon fiddle with the door handle and find it must be locked. One key later, and they’re in. They switch the light on, I think, but it stays dark. “…N?” Tessa Elliott screams, surprised. “Wh- what happened to you? Your screen is all…” So it must be my eyes after all. “I uhh… I dunno…? I can’t remember much…”
“Ooooo-kay, we need to do something about that right now. I can’t have you going back out there like this,” she demands. “Back… out there? Is something going on? Oh, wasn’t it the gala tonight?” Tessa’s silent. “…You really can’t remember?”
“Huh? Did I miss something important again?”
“Cyn is… w-whatever that is, it’s…” Cyn…? What’s she talking about? Cyn was meant to be down in the basement with her and J. And I was… outside? How’d I even get in here? There were some birds or something… that’s how my screen and eyes must have been broken. Tessa must have come and got me, and I forgot. Yeah, that must be it. She grabs my hands with her own. They’re cold and weak. “Are… are you feeling alright, Tessa?”
“You’re the one with the broken screen, OK? I’m the one who’s gonna make you feel better. Don’t you worry about me.” She helps me up, and leads me to a chair. I know the one. It reclines a lot. She uses it when fixing the four of us up. I find the seat, and lean back like always. “Did you knock something over out there?” “I said don’t worry about me, OK?” She says, but her voice is pained somehow. Tense. I hear her take a few steps, and stop. It’s quiet until she starts going through some of her tool drawers, finding things, almost impossibly quickly. My head feels strange again. Everything’s fuzzy. “What’s uh… what’s the last thing you remember?” She asks, curiously. “I dunno, uh… you left me outside overnight…”
“That’s it? Nothing after that?”
“Yeah, that’s… that’s what I said. I must have dozed off really good.”
“I’ll say,” she quips. There’s noise from outside again. “Tess, what time is it?”
“Huh? Uh, it’s around midnight.”
“And they’re still that energetic at the party, hey? I don’t get them.”
“Oh, I bet it’s only getting started,” she laughs. That’d be right. Normally we can’t sleep when there’s something on. “Oh, uh, I remember uh… your parents got mad at us? We got… grounded, that’s right. Hey, if you’re meant to be grounded, what’re you doing here?”
“I, uh, got bored. Went looking for you. Wasn’t expecting to find you here. I was getting worried, really.” She’s stopped going through the drawers. I think she’s fiddling with something. There’s some sounds of parts moving. She must be getting some equipment ready. “Alright, hold still. I just have to replace the vision tube. Won’t take a second.” It’s weird feeling someone reaching around inside my head. It’s not the first time this has broken. I’m just prone to injury, I guess. Clumsy. I’ll never get used to the feeling, though. Everything goes completely black. What little vision I had, clouded and almost indecipherable, is gone for a moment. It doesn’t take long until I feel her connect up another tube, and fit another display on my head. “Great, there we go. Give it a minute for the tube to warm up, and you’ll be seeing everything again. How does it feel?”
“Still hurts, but at least it isn’t broken anymore.” I say, laughing a little. I scratch my forehead. There’s something wet on it. My vision’s starting to clear up. I thought she’d turned the light on when she came in, but it’s dim in here. I look at my hand, and the wet thing on it. It’s red. “Hey, are… are you hurt?”
“…Huh?”
“You’re not bleeding, are you?”
“I uh, cut my arm on something. I’m alright, don’t worry.” Her voice sounds unsure. I look over to her. Her dress is torn. Her hair is messy. “Y- you sure? You don’t look alright,” I ask, concerned. “Yeah?” she responds, and moves to the mirror across the room. I can’t really see her properly. It’s too dark in here. “Y- you’re shaking, Tessa,” I notice, seeing her arms drooping weakly at her shoulders, and neck bent loosely. She keeps staring intently at herself in the mirror. She takes a hand to her head, and brushes her hair with it, neatening it up, before prodding at her face. She tilts her head as she looks at her injured arm, cut and exposed. One of her legs buckles, and she drops to her knees, putting her head in her hands. She starts crying loudly. “T-Tessa, what happened back there?” I try getting up to help, but everything feels heavy. Her back arches as she cries, almost convulsing with every whimper. “I… can’t have you going… anywhere f-for a while,” she says, dryly. “You’re still hurt, N. Let me f-fix you up again.” Something’s very wrong. It doesn’t sound like she’s crying. “N-No, I’m… I’m alright, I think. I’m fine. My vision’s fine, really.” I look around the room. This is… Cyn’s room. It has to be. That symbol she draws is etched into the wall. Why am I here? Why are her tools here? Why is she here? Tessa falls silent, and stops moving. I think she’s passed out. She must be really sick to have not noticed an injury like that on her arm. Fainting isn’t a good sign, either. I close my eyes and hang my head. What the hell is going on today? “Hey, uh, I think I remember something else, Tess.” She’s still quiet. I talk anyway. I can’t stop this memory from unfolding. It’s usually like that. “I remember, uh, the gala, and all the people. You and J and V are there, too. But… but V is… she’s got wings, or something. That’s… this must be a dream, or something. That doesn’t make any sense.” Silence. “A-and… we’re all standing back to back. And I’m afraid. And you said to me… uh… God, what was it?” Tessa begins sitting up straighter again. “‘Cyn’s gonna massacre the gala.’ Must be some nightmare you had.”
“Yeah, that’s… hey, how’d you know that?”
“You t-told me a-already. D-d-d-don’t you r-remember?” Her body moves unnaturally as she stands. “You’ve got s-such a b-b-bad m-memory, N…” That’s not how she talks. It’s her voice, but that’s not her manner of speaking. That’s not her manner of standing, either. The slouch. The hands. The tilted neck. “T-Tessa…? You OK…?” I plead one last time. The head turns to look at me. The glow can’t come from human eyes. Everything is red. “Better than ever, buddy,” it grins. Skin stretches around its mouth. That isn’t Tessa. My whole body goes cold. I have to run. I leap out of the chair, and it falls over. The door’s right there. I can shut it behind me and jam something over the basement door. It’s locked. It locked the door. Something grabs my leg, and an arm, and I drop to the ground, slamming my head into the concrete. I let out a scream from the terror and the pain as it drags me across the ground, lifts me cleanly into the air, and sits me back in the chair. And now I see it in full. There’s a shape that looks like Tessa, but behind it is an impossibly large mass of metal and flesh, curling and writhing in the air. Two insect-like claws are gripping me. “Oh, another injury. I-I’ll just have to f-fix that, too,” it delights. Tessa was never here, was she? “But first…” A third claw reaches out from the back of the Tessa-thing, and presses strongly into the back of my head. I don’t get a moment to think of anything before it all goes black again.
[cyn] memory bank recall : diary entry 01 "copper 9"
(Reading time: ~35 minutes)
3071 – Outpost 3, Copper 9
<--- note: N is referred to in this using she/her pronouns, which she didn't use at the time but i felt it was right to do because she does now :3 ---> A worker drone stands before me, holding my heart in her hand. I recognise her face, but I haven’t seen it with my eyes before. She could kill me right now, but that’s alright. I’ve been through enough. At least, in my last moments, I could see the world through my sensors again. She looks right through me. Studies something on my face. There’s a flash of light, and the universe stops. My body still doesn’t move for me. It lurches forward with horrible intent, mouth agape and hands grasping. But the eyes are mine. I know it. She rejects its desires. The solver is hers now. I’m free. She looks me in the eye again. Properly, this time. Light returns to the world. Everything goes limp, and the world swirls as I drop. I close my eyes and accept my fate at last. The feeling of the air whooshing against my sensors, arms flailing, gyroscope freaking – I should be terrified but the knowledge that my body is once again mine is too much. I’m heading for the ground. This is it. Yet, for the first time in years, I awaken. I’m battered, bent, dented, but somehow, I’m alive. There’s snow around me. It’s cold. There’s that girl again. Beanie. Purple hair. Hot topic. She’s waking up as well. Her fingers twitch. The wind blows. A breath violently escapes from her fans. She wastes no time in getting up. She doesn’t notice me. She sees the same distant movement as I do. Two figures heading our way. I’d recognise them anywhere. I can’t let them see me. Not like this. I can barely look at myself. I turn and claw my way through the snow. My legs aren’t working right. Thank god, I’m back to normal. An excitable, unmistakable voice screams with delight amongst the falling snow. “Uzi!”, N shrieks. I wish I could turn back. I wish I could be with him again. But they won’t accept me for what the solver did using my face. And hers. V is there too. I can’t make out what she says, but it’s her, alright. Finally, I’m out of the way. I try prop myself up, and slump against a wall of debris. I look down at my hands. And at her hands, too. That girl, the only one who ever took care of me, stretched out taught over my frame like a drum. I begin to cry, as much as a robot can, but bringing my hands to my eyes just shows in more detail what has become of her. I never quite saw what happened to her. I know the solver stole her. Robbed her of her soul and masqueraded as her. But that was when I was but a speck of dust, curled up in a corner of the dark room of my mind. The screen was dim and too far away for me to view, just like it wanted. I decide to close my eyes. I can’t let myself view what I’ve become. The twisted mess the solver left me as. A hunk of metal in human skin. Unlovable. Unforgivable. The wind picks up again. I’m shielded from the breeze. I focus on the noise, but not for long. It’s all been too much. I can’t process anything properly. Thoughts spray through my mind like the wind. Why am I alive? Why didn’t ‘Uzi’ kill me without a second thought? I don’t deserve to be here. Footsteps crunch nearby. It must be them. Why did they follow me? I’m of no importance. I’m whimpering when the footsteps stop close by. I don’t care. If they didn’t kill me then, they can do it now. I’ve been given enough time in my body again. “She’s… still alive!” V shouts, angrily. I hear her weaponry form. “You just don’t know when to give up, do you?!” An unfamiliar voice joins in. That must be Uzi. I don’t blame her. Another pair of footsteps rushes in. “Wait! God, please, just wait!” N screams desperately. She doesn’t… know, does she? “…Cyn?” she asks. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. I clutch my hands to my head, but it grips hair and not metal and I curl up tighter. The footsteps get closer. They’re slow and careful. They stop beside me. There’s a different crunch of snow, and someone puts an arm around me. “…It’s… it’s really you, isn’t it?” Her voice is warm. She knows. Oh, god, she knows. I can barely let out any noise. I turn myself away, and I feel the skin on my back slip under her arm. I cry again. “You don’t… you don’t have to see this…” I whisper, tonally. That’s my broken voice processor again. I’ve missed you. She doesn’t say anything in response, but embraces me fully. Against my instincts, I prize open my eyes and see her looking right back at me. She’s smiling. “I’m… so sorry… big sister…” Uzi whispers, harshly. “She’s –”
“She’s not who you think she is, Uzi. Please…” She responds, weakly. “She’s not our enemy anymore. She’s just… hurt.” I glance over at Uzi and V. They’re still on edge. I don’t think I want to die anymore. I’m with N again. He understands. “Uzi… go find your dad. I’m sure he’s looking for you.” N instructs her. “But you –”
“Uzi…!” She releases her grasp on me, and shuffles over to her. I close my eyes again. “…Please…?” I can feel her gaze on me. Studying me again. “I don’t want to leave you alone with…” she pauses. “It could still be dangerous.”
“Trust me, she’d never hurt a fly. Not her.”
“Didn’t you see what she just did?!”
“That wasn’t her! That was the solver, Uzi!” She retorts. She chokes on her words. I open my eyes again, careful to not look at any of myself. Even though I can’t focus on anything, V looks into my eyes. She understands now, too. She drops to her knees. “Oh. Oh my god. N, she’s… that’s…” V mumbles. “I know, V. It’s our little sister.” Uzi looks at her, looks at me, looks back at her, and looks back at me. “I’ll… give you some space. See you soon? Meet at the gate?” Uzi admits. N nods. Uzi hugs her, burying her head in her waist. I get it now. A pair of wings sprout from her back. I think I see a tail, too. It reminds me of a distant memory. She’s gone. I turn back to the snow in front of me, red and bloody from – I close my eyes again. I hear N come and sit beside me again. She doesn’t hug me this time. She’s giving me space. “I’m here, Cyn. Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.”
We sit there for some time. V eventually gets up from her dissociation, and flies elsewhere, bidding N goodbye. She stays with me. Eventually I break the silence. “I… I’m so sorry for…” I can’t finish my sentence. “I don’t want to open my eyes, N. I don’t want to see her like this.”
“Me neither. It’s… it’s hard. Really hard. But… I need to be here with you. Someone needs to. I can’t just leave you alone.” Silence again. “Look, you… you can’t stay here forever, Cyn. We can head back to the outpost.”
“I… I don’t want anyone to…” Something soft and flowing lands on me. It’s warm. She wraps it around me. Her coat. “We’ll just keep you distant for now, until we get everything sorted. OK?” She grips my hand tightly, tenderly. I don’t want to move, but I’m cold, and I don’t want to stay here either. She helps lift me up, and makes sure I’m covered tightly. Her coat envelops me completely. If I were walking, I’d surely trip over. “Alright, up we go. Tug on me if you want me to stop, OK?” She offers, before spreading her wings. Flight is a strange feeling. It freaks me out now, but in the moment, I just didn’t understand what was happening. She took it easy. No sudden movements. A very smooth flight. Rare for her, as I know now. I peek out the darkness of the coat, and see trees and buildings whizzing by at incredible speeds. Wind blows her hair around, and the loose skin makes awful noises. Back into the coat I go. Eventually, she puts me down, and helps me sit. It’s still cold, but she says she won’t be long. Sensors half-closed, I watch the N-shaped blur pace into the distance, towards a big grey something. A building, I guess. A few robots walk past, heading into the building. They’re loud, so I cower under the fabric more. The darkness reminds me of the solver, of it trapping me away, of that horrid night when it brutalised Tessa. She didn’t even stand a chance, and I had to watch. For once, it forced me to watch. Every cut, every trim, every puncture. It physically wouldn’t let me look away. It forced its way in. For a few minutes, she was alive as it began to use her. It began with the arms. The process lasted far too long, but at the same time it went by in the blink of an eye. At least, I don’t remember all of it. That’s probably for the best. As soon as the solver felt me beginning to give in, it sent me into the darkness. I stayed there for… I don’t know how long. Thank god it’s over. Someone touches me on the shoulder, and it makes me jump. “Cyn! You alright? You’re shaking…” It’s N, back from whatever she was up to. “I was calling out but you didn’t hear… Is it too cold? Let’s bring you inside, OK? There’s a repairs bay we can take you to.” I want to say I’m just fine, but that’s very much not true. I lift up my arm, and she grabs it, still hidden entirely in the jacket. I can feel the sleeve droop lazily over my fingers. She leads me inside the building, slowly. There’s another person walking with us – it could be Uzi or V, I can’t tell. It’s an arduous walk with my limp, but soon I notice I’m on solid ground. I hear an enormous clunk as something closes behind me, and everything is suddenly much warmer. It feels cosy in here, even though I still have my eyes closed. A distinct background noise of… living. People going about their business, somewhere else. “Better, hey? It’s alright, just a bit further,” N reassures me. If anything, it feels like we’re back home, at the mansion. She’d guide me anywhere, and make sure I had something stable near me. She suggested crutches at one point, but by the time I wanted to consider them, the solver had already taken over most of my movement anyway. From then, the limp was just about keeping up appearances. When it was alone, it “fixed” it. “Fixed” me, it would say. Make me walk normal, stand upright, everything that helped it and hurt me. My motors were never meant to do that. Factory defect, or something. Somehow, the laws of physics just didn’t matter to it. It could go beyond that. It’s confusing. My head hurts. “You’re sure that n-no-one can see me?”
“Trust me, you’re a big walking jacket. A bit strange, sure, but no, nobody can see anything. You’re safe, I promise.” I have to stop walking for a bit. “OK, OK, let’s take a minute. Hang on, let’s sit down…” She assists, and helps me over to a chair of some sort. I think she’s sitting on the floor. “You… don’t want to say much, do you?” She asks. I lower my head a bit, unable to react properly. “I… can’t imagine what you’ve been through. I’m so sorry I couldn’t help, that I couldn’t see it earlier… Maybe I would have been able to do something…” She laments. “There’s… nothing you could h-have done,” I reply. “If you had tried to, it would have just… killed…” I can’t finish the sentence. N puts her hand on my back, comfortingly, but takes it off quickly remembering what’s between me and the coat. Some footsteps come clunking down the hallway. It’s Uzi, I think, judging by how fast N stood. “N! I…” Uzi pauses. “Why’s your jacket… Wait, y-you brought it here?”
“She’s alright, Uzi, she just needs some time.” “I… I don’t know,” she replied, shakily. Clearly, the solver had been responsible for something awful for her, too. It hurts knowing it used my face and voice for everything it did. “What are you gonna do with… her?”
“I’m taking her to repairs, asked one of the door guards where it was. Then… I’ll try sort it out.”
“Sort it out?”
“…Get all the… bits off of her.”
“…Are you OK?” N stopped. “Tessa meant a lot to you, didn’t she?” Uzi asked, softly. “You sure you can –”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she mumbled. “I- I’ll do it.”
“You don’t have to, you know that, right? V can do it, right? You could –”
“Please, I…” I hear the soft sound of two pairs of metal hands sliding together. She’s not coping. She sounded alright, but with my eyes closed I couldn’t see her expression. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was barely keeping it together this whole time.
I think I must have passed out, or maybe I simply fell asleep. When I woke up, I was laying on a flat, metal surface in an unfamiliar room. My ears are ringing, and I can make out the familiar voices of N and V, but there's two other voices I haven't heard before. “…have to… help her… remove all the… she's hurt, OK?!” N’s voice yells, but it's muffled and far away. “We've never done anything like… this before… not sure if we can…" One of the other voices replied. This must be the repair bay. Those must be the doctors. Are they called doctors for drones? I only know of human doctors. I'm starting to hear better, because I hear an emotional V threaten them. “Look, if you don't at least try get her out I'll bite your stupid heads off!” She's loud, but clearly as shaken and upset as N. I'm fading in and out of consciousness again. I hear them walk over near me. “Didn't you say you just needed our facilities? You said you'd handle it!”
“I can't!” N shouts, and I hear her drop to her knees. “I… I thought I could, but… she's my sister, OK? And the… the stuff on top is… someone who means a lot to all of us… It's already so much seeing them both like this…” After a moment, one of the doctors sighs, and I can see them standing with their back to me, at my feet. “We'll… we'll see what we can do, OK?”
“If you so much as cut a single wire of hers, if she doesn't get back up-”
“You'll eat us, yes, yes. I… Well, we need some space. We'll give her a chip to make her run slower so she doesn't wake up during the repair – I guess you could even call it a surgery – and we'll let you know when it's done, alright? You have to both go sit in the main room.” N gets up from her knees, and I see her slowly walk over to me, too. She almost sees me with my eyes open, but I shut them just before she could notice I've heard the entire thing. She places her hand on my shoulder. “It's… going to be alright, Cyn, you'll be free soon.” She strokes my arm gently. “Please, other room, you two. The sooner we start, the sooner it's over.” Eventually, I hear my brother and sister leave with heavy footsteps. One of the doctors sighs again. “Have you ever seen a situation like this before?” “Nope. Can't say I have. How the hell are we meant to do this?” “I didn't even have to read any of the human anatomy parts of the textbooks, they got us to skip over that. I mean, it makes sense considering they all froze to death, but… God, now I wish I got that extra credit.” “Let’s just start with what we know, alright? Get the chip. We have to put her under anyway.” One of them wanders off into another room, and comes back a few moments later. “Right, uh, I'll just…” He paused for a moment. “Y-you’re awake?” I motion with my head just enough to let them know I heard them. “W-well, uh, I'm going to have to place this on the back of your head, alright? It's to put you under while we fix you up.” I nod slowly, and he helps me roll onto my side. He tries to move my hair out of the way, before realising it's not mine. I hear him scratch his chin. “…Just a second.” He steps away, then walks back. I hear something cut behind me, and it's an awful noise I never wish I could hear again. The cutting of skin, of flesh. I tense up, and he notices, but I don't think he gets why. “H-hey, just one more thing. Hold still…” There's a small metallic clink, and I feel a radiance from the back of my head. That must be the chip working. Everything slows, and I'm gone again.
I have a horrid dream. I remember things from when I was not present but the solver was, like watching a recording from my eyes as cameras. I remember it doing things with Tessa. As Tessa. Pretending to go about its day like it was her. It made itself breakfast. It made tea. All with the husk of her draped over my frame. Did it enjoy it? Perhaps not even from a torturous, twisted way of messing with me – did it want to be human? Even the memories of once it landed on Copper 9 – I remember it smiling genuinely, walking around as her and experiencing things like that. I don't think it realised that a human would have frozen almost immediately upon setting foot on the planet. Or it just didn't care. It… enjoyed itself. It would tell me so. I thought it was just taunting me as always, but… maybe it was a true expression of happiness. Was the reason it became her solely to lose me, or was there more to it after all? Maybe, if things were different, it could have had its way, and nobody would have gotten hurt. If it weren't so destructive. I know there were humans who wished to be robots but… a cosmic AI wishing it were human… it's fascinating. Eventually, my mind begins to wander back to the memories of living on Earth, before all of this. Back when I had no idea what a solver was, back when it hadn't yet introduced itself into my mind. I'm sitting on a rough carpet in an ornate room, warmly lit. Tessa is there, sitting at the grand piano in the centre, while I look on from the corner, fascinated. Every day she's meant to practice for hours on whatever piece her personal tutor assigns to her this week, and she always does so begrudgingly, unable to tell her parents that she actually doesn't really like the piano. She says she hates playing “scales” the worst. I know very little about it all, but it's very interesting. I decide to shuffle closer. “I dunno, Cyn, I just can't keep this up. My fingers hurt,” Tessa admits, noticing me standing next to her seat. “I don't think they should be doing that. You should rest,” I try to comfort her as best I can with my broken voice. “I wanna, but if mum and dad – I mean, mother and father – realise I've been slacking off I'll be grounded again.” She over-accentuates the vowels mockingly. It makes me laugh a little. “You could get a drink or something?” I suggest. “That might work. Stay right there, I'll be back,” she says, practically launching herself out of the seat, and walking briskly to the kitchen, I assume. Now I'm left alone with the piano. When she comes back with a glass, she finds me sitting at the stool instead. “Oh! You… wanna have a try?” I nod, slightly embarrassed. “Great! I can rest for a bit,” she says, and flops onto one of the several couches in the room, nearly spilling her water. I poke at the keys randomly until Tessa reaches from over my shoulder. “So, this note here is called Middle C. And then all the white keys are up from that alphabetically. U- until here, that's A, then B, then back to C,” she says, pointing at some of the keys. I don't say anything, just nodding and taking it in. I touch each of those keys, from C to C, in a row, with one of my fingers. It sounds pleasant. “OK, that's a C major scale.”
“I thought you hated those,”
“C is the easiest one, it's not so bad. Once you get to the other ones though it gets annoying real quick,” she smiles, slouching more, then fixing her posture a touch in case somehow her parents were watching. “What are the black notes?”
“Just more notes in between the white ones. That one's C sharp. Or D flat, depending on how you feel or something. It's all the same ratio between the notes, 12 in total, but usually there's only 7 in a scale before you get back to the start.” She sounds almost out of breath. “Why do you know so much about all of this if you don't like playing it?” She laughs. “I mean, I do like it, it sounds great if I can actually play something on it, it's just so much rigid practice and… discipline.” She shudders at the word, curling her hands in disgust. “No, I'd much rather just be left to my own devices and play whatever I want to.”
“Oh,” I nod. “You do hate discipline.”
“Infamously,” she laughs, walking over to the couch again. “Try playing groups of three of the white notes, you'll find some interesting sounds really quick,” she suggests. Eventually, it's like she's giving me lessons, and apparently I'm a fast learner. She gets to explaining what the differences are between major and minor chords and the patterns in the scales, but then her alarm goes off and practice is over for the day.
Startlingly, I find myself face up in a dimly lit white room. The memories fade and I'm back to the present. I can barely move, my vision's hazy, and trying to adjust my position makes my hand slip from the weakness. Eventually I'm sitting up a touch, and can barely make out the rest of the room. V is asleep in a chair across from me, and N’s asleep in one next to me, clutching Uzi. Those two must be inseparable. It must be night outside – there's no light through what I assume is the window, and I can't hear anyone moving around nearby like earlier. I take a deep breath. It's strained, but not like before. …Before? I look down at my hands. My hands. My body. I'm trembling. V, always being a light sleeper, opens her eyes slowly and sees me staring at myself. She moves slowly, then quickly gets up and shakes N awake, with Uzi following. “O- oh my god. C- Cyn?” She says, softly, nervously. I look into her eyes. She towers over me. It's hard to forget how the solver affected her, J, and N too. “V…” I whimper, looking around, “N… my hands…” I flex my fingers and turn my wrists. “Did they do something wrong?!” V almost growls, worriedly, grabbing and inspecting my hands in a panic. “No, they're just… my hands… they're just my hands…” I use one of them to poke V in the cheek, and I smile a bit. She tries to bat it away, but stops herself from thinking it's any danger, and almost smiles back. She can't bring herself to make eye contact with me, but that's OK. I've got time, now. N kneels next to my head, and also can't quite bring herself to look at me properly. “I've… really missed you, Cyn,” she murmurs. “Y… you're safe now. You're free.” I'm… free. There's no other voice in my head. It's just me in here for the first time in who knows how long. “I- I'll go tell one of the nurses,” Uzi says, standing a bit farther away. N nods, and she walks out of the room. “How do you feel?” N asks. “Normal,” I respond, which might have been a terrible idea in hindsight. That's exactly what the solver would have wanted me to say, but it's true. I do just feel… normal again. At least, as normal as I used to be, which wasn't much. “I'm… I'm really sorry -” I begin, but V stops me. “No, don't- don't say that. You're… it… it wasn't your fault…?” V says, carefully. Maybe she and N have had a conversation about what to say to me. It feels rehearsed. She stands suddenly and turns away, putting her head in her hands. “I just… why did it have to use her, N? Her voice, it's… I can only hear it as…” she trails off. “I don't think there was any reason, V, it just… we just got unlucky. All of us.” She's talking to her but still looking at me. “Just… think about her now. And how things used to be. How we all used to be.”
“I c- can't… It's… you don't understand, N, you don't remember… it's easy for you to ignore the… horror, isn't it?” N falls silent, and isn't looking at anything in particular anymore. I decide to say something. “I- I remember all of it… it's…” I'm clutching my head all of a sudden, this must all be too much after waking up. Uzi walks back in with another drone. N puts her hand on my arm, reassuringly. “It's alright, it's alright, take it easy,” she says soothingly, “you probably need to rest more. It's a lot for now.” I move my hand from my forehead, and see bits of something on my fingers. Blotches. Dark blotches. I start panicking. It could be oil from inside of me, it could be some sort of residue left from her – both are equally as frightening. The other drone wipes my hand with a towel, then my forehead. I can't make out what it was, but the towel is now stained a dark reddish brown. “She's right,” they say, “you should sleep more. You'll feel better after a proper rest, now that the chip's worn off. Just breathe easy, OK?” They speak authoritatively, but calmly. It's very easy to close my eyes now, so I do, and shuffle back down the bed a little, trying to somehow get comfy on this clean and sterile mattress. “You should give her some space. You know she's alright now. You probably all need rest too. It's been almost all night you've been here.” N sighs. “Y- yeah, the chairs here aren't that comfy anyway,” she says, livening up a little, but she might just be feigning it.
-- LOAD MEMORY --
<--- note: N is referred to in this using she/her pronouns, which she didn't use at the time but i felt it was right to do because she does now :3 ---> A worker drone stands before me, holding my heart in her hand. I recognise her face, but I haven’t seen it with my eyes before. She could kill me right now, but that’s alright. I’ve been through enough. At least, in my last moments, I could see the world through my sensors again. She looks right through me. Studies something on my face. There’s a flash of light, and the universe stops. My body still doesn’t move for me. It lurches forward with horrible intent, mouth agape and hands grasping. But the eyes are mine. I know it. She rejects its desires. The solver is hers now. I’m free. She looks me in the eye again. Properly, this time. Light returns to the world. Everything goes limp, and the world swirls as I drop. I close my eyes and accept my fate at last. The feeling of the air whooshing against my sensors, arms flailing, gyroscope freaking – I should be terrified but the knowledge that my body is once again mine is too much. I’m heading for the ground. This is it. Yet, for the first time in years, I awaken. I’m battered, bent, dented, but somehow, I’m alive. There’s snow around me. It’s cold. There’s that girl again. Beanie. Purple hair. Hot topic. She’s waking up as well. Her fingers twitch. The wind blows. A breath violently escapes from her fans. She wastes no time in getting up. She doesn’t notice me. She sees the same distant movement as I do. Two figures heading our way. I’d recognise them anywhere. I can’t let them see me. Not like this. I can barely look at myself. I turn and claw my way through the snow. My legs aren’t working right. Thank god, I’m back to normal. An excitable, unmistakable voice screams with delight amongst the falling snow. “Uzi!”, N shrieks. I wish I could turn back. I wish I could be with him again. But they won’t accept me for what the solver did using my face. And hers. V is there too. I can’t make out what she says, but it’s her, alright. Finally, I’m out of the way. I try prop myself up, and slump against a wall of debris. I look down at my hands. And at her hands, too. That girl, the only one who ever took care of me, stretched out taught over my frame like a drum. I begin to cry, as much as a robot can, but bringing my hands to my eyes just shows in more detail what has become of her. I never quite saw what happened to her. I know the solver stole her. Robbed her of her soul and masqueraded as her. But that was when I was but a speck of dust, curled up in a corner of the dark room of my mind. The screen was dim and too far away for me to view, just like it wanted. I decide to close my eyes. I can’t let myself view what I’ve become. The twisted mess the solver left me as. A hunk of metal in human skin. Unlovable. Unforgivable. The wind picks up again. I’m shielded from the breeze. I focus on the noise, but not for long. It’s all been too much. I can’t process anything properly. Thoughts spray through my mind like the wind. Why am I alive? Why didn’t ‘Uzi’ kill me without a second thought? I don’t deserve to be here. Footsteps crunch nearby. It must be them. Why did they follow me? I’m of no importance. I’m whimpering when the footsteps stop close by. I don’t care. If they didn’t kill me then, they can do it now. I’ve been given enough time in my body again. “She’s… still alive!” V shouts, angrily. I hear her weaponry form. “You just don’t know when to give up, do you?!” An unfamiliar voice joins in. That must be Uzi. I don’t blame her. Another pair of footsteps rushes in. “Wait! God, please, just wait!” N screams desperately. She doesn’t… know, does she? “…Cyn?” she asks. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. I clutch my hands to my head, but it grips hair and not metal and I curl up tighter. The footsteps get closer. They’re slow and careful. They stop beside me. There’s a different crunch of snow, and someone puts an arm around me. “…It’s… it’s really you, isn’t it?” Her voice is warm. She knows. Oh, god, she knows. I can barely let out any noise. I turn myself away, and I feel the skin on my back slip under her arm. I cry again. “You don’t… you don’t have to see this…” I whisper, tonally. That’s my broken voice processor again. I’ve missed you. She doesn’t say anything in response, but embraces me fully. Against my instincts, I prize open my eyes and see her looking right back at me. She’s smiling. “I’m… so sorry… big sister…” Uzi whispers, harshly. “She’s –”
“She’s not who you think she is, Uzi. Please…” She responds, weakly. “She’s not our enemy anymore. She’s just… hurt.” I glance over at Uzi and V. They’re still on edge. I don’t think I want to die anymore. I’m with N again. He understands. “Uzi… go find your dad. I’m sure he’s looking for you.” N instructs her. “But you –”
“Uzi…!” She releases her grasp on me, and shuffles over to her. I close my eyes again. “…Please…?” I can feel her gaze on me. Studying me again. “I don’t want to leave you alone with…” she pauses. “It could still be dangerous.”
“Trust me, she’d never hurt a fly. Not her.”
“Didn’t you see what she just did?!”
“That wasn’t her! That was the solver, Uzi!” She retorts. She chokes on her words. I open my eyes again, careful to not look at any of myself. Even though I can’t focus on anything, V looks into my eyes. She understands now, too. She drops to her knees. “Oh. Oh my god. N, she’s… that’s…” V mumbles. “I know, V. It’s our little sister.” Uzi looks at her, looks at me, looks back at her, and looks back at me. “I’ll… give you some space. See you soon? Meet at the gate?” Uzi admits. N nods. Uzi hugs her, burying her head in her waist. I get it now. A pair of wings sprout from her back. I think I see a tail, too. It reminds me of a distant memory. She’s gone. I turn back to the snow in front of me, red and bloody from – I close my eyes again. I hear N come and sit beside me again. She doesn’t hug me this time. She’s giving me space. “I’m here, Cyn. Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.”
We sit there for some time. V eventually gets up from her dissociation, and flies elsewhere, bidding N goodbye. She stays with me. Eventually I break the silence. “I… I’m so sorry for…” I can’t finish my sentence. “I don’t want to open my eyes, N. I don’t want to see her like this.”
“Me neither. It’s… it’s hard. Really hard. But… I need to be here with you. Someone needs to. I can’t just leave you alone.” Silence again. “Look, you… you can’t stay here forever, Cyn. We can head back to the outpost.”
“I… I don’t want anyone to…” Something soft and flowing lands on me. It’s warm. She wraps it around me. Her coat. “We’ll just keep you distant for now, until we get everything sorted. OK?” She grips my hand tightly, tenderly. I don’t want to move, but I’m cold, and I don’t want to stay here either. She helps lift me up, and makes sure I’m covered tightly. Her coat envelops me completely. If I were walking, I’d surely trip over. “Alright, up we go. Tug on me if you want me to stop, OK?” She offers, before spreading her wings. Flight is a strange feeling. It freaks me out now, but in the moment, I just didn’t understand what was happening. She took it easy. No sudden movements. A very smooth flight. Rare for her, as I know now. I peek out the darkness of the coat, and see trees and buildings whizzing by at incredible speeds. Wind blows her hair around, and the loose skin makes awful noises. Back into the coat I go. Eventually, she puts me down, and helps me sit. It’s still cold, but she says she won’t be long. Sensors half-closed, I watch the N-shaped blur pace into the distance, towards a big grey something. A building, I guess. A few robots walk past, heading into the building. They’re loud, so I cower under the fabric more. The darkness reminds me of the solver, of it trapping me away, of that horrid night when it brutalised Tessa. She didn’t even stand a chance, and I had to watch. For once, it forced me to watch. Every cut, every trim, every puncture. It physically wouldn’t let me look away. It forced its way in. For a few minutes, she was alive as it began to use her. It began with the arms. The process lasted far too long, but at the same time it went by in the blink of an eye. At least, I don’t remember all of it. That’s probably for the best. As soon as the solver felt me beginning to give in, it sent me into the darkness. I stayed there for… I don’t know how long. Thank god it’s over. Someone touches me on the shoulder, and it makes me jump. “Cyn! You alright? You’re shaking…” It’s N, back from whatever she was up to. “I was calling out but you didn’t hear… Is it too cold? Let’s bring you inside, OK? There’s a repairs bay we can take you to.” I want to say I’m just fine, but that’s very much not true. I lift up my arm, and she grabs it, still hidden entirely in the jacket. I can feel the sleeve droop lazily over my fingers. She leads me inside the building, slowly. There’s another person walking with us – it could be Uzi or V, I can’t tell. It’s an arduous walk with my limp, but soon I notice I’m on solid ground. I hear an enormous clunk as something closes behind me, and everything is suddenly much warmer. It feels cosy in here, even though I still have my eyes closed. A distinct background noise of… living. People going about their business, somewhere else. “Better, hey? It’s alright, just a bit further,” N reassures me. If anything, it feels like we’re back home, at the mansion. She’d guide me anywhere, and make sure I had something stable near me. She suggested crutches at one point, but by the time I wanted to consider them, the solver had already taken over most of my movement anyway. From then, the limp was just about keeping up appearances. When it was alone, it “fixed” it. “Fixed” me, it would say. Make me walk normal, stand upright, everything that helped it and hurt me. My motors were never meant to do that. Factory defect, or something. Somehow, the laws of physics just didn’t matter to it. It could go beyond that. It’s confusing. My head hurts. “You’re sure that n-no-one can see me?”
“Trust me, you’re a big walking jacket. A bit strange, sure, but no, nobody can see anything. You’re safe, I promise.” I have to stop walking for a bit. “OK, OK, let’s take a minute. Hang on, let’s sit down…” She assists, and helps me over to a chair of some sort. I think she’s sitting on the floor. “You… don’t want to say much, do you?” She asks. I lower my head a bit, unable to react properly. “I… can’t imagine what you’ve been through. I’m so sorry I couldn’t help, that I couldn’t see it earlier… Maybe I would have been able to do something…” She laments. “There’s… nothing you could h-have done,” I reply. “If you had tried to, it would have just… killed…” I can’t finish the sentence. N puts her hand on my back, comfortingly, but takes it off quickly remembering what’s between me and the coat. Some footsteps come clunking down the hallway. It’s Uzi, I think, judging by how fast N stood. “N! I…” Uzi pauses. “Why’s your jacket… Wait, y-you brought it here?”
“She’s alright, Uzi, she just needs some time.” “I… I don’t know,” she replied, shakily. Clearly, the solver had been responsible for something awful for her, too. It hurts knowing it used my face and voice for everything it did. “What are you gonna do with… her?”
“I’m taking her to repairs, asked one of the door guards where it was. Then… I’ll try sort it out.”
“Sort it out?”
“…Get all the… bits off of her.”
“…Are you OK?” N stopped. “Tessa meant a lot to you, didn’t she?” Uzi asked, softly. “You sure you can –”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she mumbled. “I- I’ll do it.”
“You don’t have to, you know that, right? V can do it, right? You could –”
“Please, I…” I hear the soft sound of two pairs of metal hands sliding together. She’s not coping. She sounded alright, but with my eyes closed I couldn’t see her expression. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was barely keeping it together this whole time.
I think I must have passed out, or maybe I simply fell asleep. When I woke up, I was laying on a flat, metal surface in an unfamiliar room. My ears are ringing, and I can make out the familiar voices of N and V, but there's two other voices I haven't heard before. “…have to… help her… remove all the… she's hurt, OK?!” N’s voice yells, but it's muffled and far away. “We've never done anything like… this before… not sure if we can…" One of the other voices replied. This must be the repair bay. Those must be the doctors. Are they called doctors for drones? I only know of human doctors. I'm starting to hear better, because I hear an emotional V threaten them. “Look, if you don't at least try get her out I'll bite your stupid heads off!” She's loud, but clearly as shaken and upset as N. I'm fading in and out of consciousness again. I hear them walk over near me. “Didn't you say you just needed our facilities? You said you'd handle it!”
“I can't!” N shouts, and I hear her drop to her knees. “I… I thought I could, but… she's my sister, OK? And the… the stuff on top is… someone who means a lot to all of us… It's already so much seeing them both like this…” After a moment, one of the doctors sighs, and I can see them standing with their back to me, at my feet. “We'll… we'll see what we can do, OK?”
“If you so much as cut a single wire of hers, if she doesn't get back up-”
“You'll eat us, yes, yes. I… Well, we need some space. We'll give her a chip to make her run slower so she doesn't wake up during the repair – I guess you could even call it a surgery – and we'll let you know when it's done, alright? You have to both go sit in the main room.” N gets up from her knees, and I see her slowly walk over to me, too. She almost sees me with my eyes open, but I shut them just before she could notice I've heard the entire thing. She places her hand on my shoulder. “It's… going to be alright, Cyn, you'll be free soon.” She strokes my arm gently. “Please, other room, you two. The sooner we start, the sooner it's over.” Eventually, I hear my brother and sister leave with heavy footsteps. One of the doctors sighs again. “Have you ever seen a situation like this before?” “Nope. Can't say I have. How the hell are we meant to do this?” “I didn't even have to read any of the human anatomy parts of the textbooks, they got us to skip over that. I mean, it makes sense considering they all froze to death, but… God, now I wish I got that extra credit.” “Let’s just start with what we know, alright? Get the chip. We have to put her under anyway.” One of them wanders off into another room, and comes back a few moments later. “Right, uh, I'll just…” He paused for a moment. “Y-you’re awake?” I motion with my head just enough to let them know I heard them. “W-well, uh, I'm going to have to place this on the back of your head, alright? It's to put you under while we fix you up.” I nod slowly, and he helps me roll onto my side. He tries to move my hair out of the way, before realising it's not mine. I hear him scratch his chin. “…Just a second.” He steps away, then walks back. I hear something cut behind me, and it's an awful noise I never wish I could hear again. The cutting of skin, of flesh. I tense up, and he notices, but I don't think he gets why. “H-hey, just one more thing. Hold still…” There's a small metallic clink, and I feel a radiance from the back of my head. That must be the chip working. Everything slows, and I'm gone again.
I have a horrid dream. I remember things from when I was not present but the solver was, like watching a recording from my eyes as cameras. I remember it doing things with Tessa. As Tessa. Pretending to go about its day like it was her. It made itself breakfast. It made tea. All with the husk of her draped over my frame. Did it enjoy it? Perhaps not even from a torturous, twisted way of messing with me – did it want to be human? Even the memories of once it landed on Copper 9 – I remember it smiling genuinely, walking around as her and experiencing things like that. I don't think it realised that a human would have frozen almost immediately upon setting foot on the planet. Or it just didn't care. It… enjoyed itself. It would tell me so. I thought it was just taunting me as always, but… maybe it was a true expression of happiness. Was the reason it became her solely to lose me, or was there more to it after all? Maybe, if things were different, it could have had its way, and nobody would have gotten hurt. If it weren't so destructive. I know there were humans who wished to be robots but… a cosmic AI wishing it were human… it's fascinating. Eventually, my mind begins to wander back to the memories of living on Earth, before all of this. Back when I had no idea what a solver was, back when it hadn't yet introduced itself into my mind. I'm sitting on a rough carpet in an ornate room, warmly lit. Tessa is there, sitting at the grand piano in the centre, while I look on from the corner, fascinated. Every day she's meant to practice for hours on whatever piece her personal tutor assigns to her this week, and she always does so begrudgingly, unable to tell her parents that she actually doesn't really like the piano. She says she hates playing “scales” the worst. I know very little about it all, but it's very interesting. I decide to shuffle closer. “I dunno, Cyn, I just can't keep this up. My fingers hurt,” Tessa admits, noticing me standing next to her seat. “I don't think they should be doing that. You should rest,” I try to comfort her as best I can with my broken voice. “I wanna, but if mum and dad – I mean, mother and father – realise I've been slacking off I'll be grounded again.” She over-accentuates the vowels mockingly. It makes me laugh a little. “You could get a drink or something?” I suggest. “That might work. Stay right there, I'll be back,” she says, practically launching herself out of the seat, and walking briskly to the kitchen, I assume. Now I'm left alone with the piano. When she comes back with a glass, she finds me sitting at the stool instead. “Oh! You… wanna have a try?” I nod, slightly embarrassed. “Great! I can rest for a bit,” she says, and flops onto one of the several couches in the room, nearly spilling her water. I poke at the keys randomly until Tessa reaches from over my shoulder. “So, this note here is called Middle C. And then all the white keys are up from that alphabetically. U- until here, that's A, then B, then back to C,” she says, pointing at some of the keys. I don't say anything, just nodding and taking it in. I touch each of those keys, from C to C, in a row, with one of my fingers. It sounds pleasant. “OK, that's a C major scale.”
“I thought you hated those,”
“C is the easiest one, it's not so bad. Once you get to the other ones though it gets annoying real quick,” she smiles, slouching more, then fixing her posture a touch in case somehow her parents were watching. “What are the black notes?”
“Just more notes in between the white ones. That one's C sharp. Or D flat, depending on how you feel or something. It's all the same ratio between the notes, 12 in total, but usually there's only 7 in a scale before you get back to the start.” She sounds almost out of breath. “Why do you know so much about all of this if you don't like playing it?” She laughs. “I mean, I do like it, it sounds great if I can actually play something on it, it's just so much rigid practice and… discipline.” She shudders at the word, curling her hands in disgust. “No, I'd much rather just be left to my own devices and play whatever I want to.”
“Oh,” I nod. “You do hate discipline.”
“Infamously,” she laughs, walking over to the couch again. “Try playing groups of three of the white notes, you'll find some interesting sounds really quick,” she suggests. Eventually, it's like she's giving me lessons, and apparently I'm a fast learner. She gets to explaining what the differences are between major and minor chords and the patterns in the scales, but then her alarm goes off and practice is over for the day.
Startlingly, I find myself face up in a dimly lit white room. The memories fade and I'm back to the present. I can barely move, my vision's hazy, and trying to adjust my position makes my hand slip from the weakness. Eventually I'm sitting up a touch, and can barely make out the rest of the room. V is asleep in a chair across from me, and N’s asleep in one next to me, clutching Uzi. Those two must be inseparable. It must be night outside – there's no light through what I assume is the window, and I can't hear anyone moving around nearby like earlier. I take a deep breath. It's strained, but not like before. …Before? I look down at my hands. My hands. My body. I'm trembling. V, always being a light sleeper, opens her eyes slowly and sees me staring at myself. She moves slowly, then quickly gets up and shakes N awake, with Uzi following. “O- oh my god. C- Cyn?” She says, softly, nervously. I look into her eyes. She towers over me. It's hard to forget how the solver affected her, J, and N too. “V…” I whimper, looking around, “N… my hands…” I flex my fingers and turn my wrists. “Did they do something wrong?!” V almost growls, worriedly, grabbing and inspecting my hands in a panic. “No, they're just… my hands… they're just my hands…” I use one of them to poke V in the cheek, and I smile a bit. She tries to bat it away, but stops herself from thinking it's any danger, and almost smiles back. She can't bring herself to make eye contact with me, but that's OK. I've got time, now. N kneels next to my head, and also can't quite bring herself to look at me properly. “I've… really missed you, Cyn,” she murmurs. “Y… you're safe now. You're free.” I'm… free. There's no other voice in my head. It's just me in here for the first time in who knows how long. “I- I'll go tell one of the nurses,” Uzi says, standing a bit farther away. N nods, and she walks out of the room. “How do you feel?” N asks. “Normal,” I respond, which might have been a terrible idea in hindsight. That's exactly what the solver would have wanted me to say, but it's true. I do just feel… normal again. At least, as normal as I used to be, which wasn't much. “I'm… I'm really sorry -” I begin, but V stops me. “No, don't- don't say that. You're… it… it wasn't your fault…?” V says, carefully. Maybe she and N have had a conversation about what to say to me. It feels rehearsed. She stands suddenly and turns away, putting her head in her hands. “I just… why did it have to use her, N? Her voice, it's… I can only hear it as…” she trails off. “I don't think there was any reason, V, it just… we just got unlucky. All of us.” She's talking to her but still looking at me. “Just… think about her now. And how things used to be. How we all used to be.”
“I c- can't… It's… you don't understand, N, you don't remember… it's easy for you to ignore the… horror, isn't it?” N falls silent, and isn't looking at anything in particular anymore. I decide to say something. “I- I remember all of it… it's…” I'm clutching my head all of a sudden, this must all be too much after waking up. Uzi walks back in with another drone. N puts her hand on my arm, reassuringly. “It's alright, it's alright, take it easy,” she says soothingly, “you probably need to rest more. It's a lot for now.” I move my hand from my forehead, and see bits of something on my fingers. Blotches. Dark blotches. I start panicking. It could be oil from inside of me, it could be some sort of residue left from her – both are equally as frightening. The other drone wipes my hand with a towel, then my forehead. I can't make out what it was, but the towel is now stained a dark reddish brown. “She's right,” they say, “you should sleep more. You'll feel better after a proper rest, now that the chip's worn off. Just breathe easy, OK?” They speak authoritatively, but calmly. It's very easy to close my eyes now, so I do, and shuffle back down the bed a little, trying to somehow get comfy on this clean and sterile mattress. “You should give her some space. You know she's alright now. You probably all need rest too. It's been almost all night you've been here.” N sighs. “Y- yeah, the chairs here aren't that comfy anyway,” she says, livening up a little, but she might just be feigning it.
[V] Storm
(Reading time: ~35 minutes)
3066 – Elliott Manor, Sydney, NSW, Australia, Earth
“I said cut it out. I’m tired of hearing you going at him like that. What’re you even trying to achieve, anyway?” I objected. “That’s weird, I thought you didn’t care enough to stand up for this idiot,” she retorted. “God, I can’t believe you’d even try. I don’t even think I’ve heard you say a sentence that long before.”
“I just don’t think Tessa would be happy that you’re picking on the new guy. Especially considering your… relations.”
“You wouldn’t dare,” she glared, finally turning her attention to me. “And what the hell do you mean by ‘relations’, huh?”
“Oh come on, it’s obvious. Her room is literally right next to ours, and the walls are thin. I’ve heard what you two get up to. She’d be really disappointed. You’ve seen how much she likes N.”
“You’re a piece of shit, you know that?” J yelled, walking over to me confidently. I stood up to match her height, and she went to push me backward but I shoved her arm out of the way. “Don’t you fucking touch me,” she said, disgusted. “Well, don’t you touch him, either. Leave him alone, and I won’t say anything,” I offered, looking down at N, backed into a corner, hair messed up, screen chipped, exhausted, terrified. “You do anything to him again and the next time I see Tessa I tell her. OK?”
“...Are you blackmailing me? Is that what you’re doing?” J asked, mockingly. “Seriously. I didn’t think you had it in you.” She turned back to N and scoffing. “Pathetic,” she whispered. “Heard that.”
“Ugh. I didn’t say anything.” J walked closer to N again, though noticeably not as aggressive as before. “Fine. I’m so sorry, alright? Here, I’ll even help you up.” She extended an arm to him, which he only looked at, still scared. “Come on, I’m trying to be nice. Oh well. If you want to reject good help when you see it, so be it.”
“You’re really close, J. I mean it.”
“I didn’t do anything, OK? I wasn’t going to do anything. I’m done now, alright? Walking away.” J strutted out of the room with her usual attitude, not taking a second look at me or her brother before slamming the door behind her. I bet she’s going to Tessa to soothe her nerves. “Uh… thanks, V…?” N muttered. “I know we haven’t really… talked… or anything? But t-thanks. For that.” He looked at me as if he was some sick puppy who I’d just rescued. “Don’t mention it. Really. I think J would only get worse if Tessa knew,” I stated. “I just can’t stand seeing you get hurt anymore. Who does she think she is?”
“Tessa’s favourite,” N said. “That’s what she tells me. She says it doesn’t make sense why someone as stupid and pathetic as me gets to be Tessa’s new favourite.”
“She says that?”
“Yeah. All the time. Not really when you’re around though. Just to me.” He slowly picked himself up off the ground, brushing his suit that didn’t really fit properly. He’d only just got it. Apparently Tessa’s parents had wanted a boy and had picked out this whole wardrobe for ‘him’ once he came of age. And they weren’t really the type to throw valuable things away. So now it belonged to N. I did really feel sorry for the guy. Sure, I’d barely been introduced to him, and he slept in Tessa’s room for now since she hadn’t set anything up in J and I’s room so I didn’t even see him at the end of the day, but he really did have something different to him. He’s positive about things. Even now, after being pushed around, name-called, and beaten down, he still had a little smile on his face, laughing at what he was saying. Optimistic, that’s the word. Or maybe just coping in his own way. “Do you think she’ll stop?”
“…I don’t know. But if anything gets bad – like, really bad – you can tell me. And Tessa. Please tell someone. You’re not alone, OK?” I tried to comfort him. “And uh, I know I’m not exactly the most talkative or outgoing. But I’ll listen if you need anyone to talk to.” He smiled warmly again. I think he’s going to start crying. J might have been right about him being sensitive. I just don’t think that’s a bad thing. “Thanks, V. Really. T-that means a lot.” After that, I don’t think I saw J do anything to him for a good month. It was nice while it lasted, I suppose. Things were calmer. It gave N some time to settle in to things. God, his optimism was like a breath of fresh air. I wouldn’t say J was always negative, but she certainly wasn’t a joy to be around. For that time, it seemed things were alright. N even made J genuinely laugh and smile one time. I thought maybe it was over, that she’d done some reflection or something in her own time. Maybe she’d even talked to Tessa herself and opened up to her. It did seem like things changed a bit between them, at least. And then, in late July, there was a string of unbelievably stormy nights. I already didn’t like those. It was always frightening for us drones. Supposedly we were made waterproof for a certain amount of time, but the idea of a constant downpour was not pleasant. Not that we ever really went outside much anyway, and that was really only when it was sunny. Winter was time to stay inside, where it was warm. All of the signs were there, I really should have picked up on what J was trying to do, but again I really hoped things were alright by now. Besides, she never really came after me like she did with N. But, it still happened anyway. “V~”, she sung out, almost skipping towards me, “Tessa said her parents want you to go grab something from the gardening shed for them. They’re planning something, apparently.” “They just asked me to vacuum the library again a few minutes ago. I’m kinda busy,” I said, picking up some of the books N always forgot to pack away. “Well, when you’ve finished that, then. But it did sound urgent.” I sighed. “Fine, what did they want me to get?” “A few shovels, apparently. They’re getting some gardeners in and don’t want to pay extra for them bringing tools.” “That’s stupid,” I said. “Yeah, well, you know how cheap they can be. Even though they’ve got so much money to spare.” “I guess,” I said, finally having the books in the right order. “Just a couple shovels, then?” “Maybe some trowels, I don’t know. Just get a bunch of gardening things and put them at the front. The more, the better. That’s what they said to Tessa. I’m just relaying the orders,” she explained, innocently enough. “Right. You take over this, then, OK? They did want the library done, too.” “Sure, alright. Good luck out there, it’s still kinda wet from the other day. Take it easy.” “Yeah. Will do.” Take it easy. Yeah, right. She knew exactly what she was doing. It was pretty overcast outside. Grey sky but not raining. The wind was howling, though. The shed itself was a cheap thing made out of corrugated metal hidden in the very back corner of their enormous garden. It didn’t look like anyone had really been in there for a while. It was fairly overgrown on the outside, and on the inside all the tools were covered in mostly empty spiderwebs, though one or two still had an occupant. Not that it was any danger to me. In the shed, the wind sounded unbelievable, probably from the nearby tree whose branches bashed against the walls, rattling and resonating the entire structure. It took me maybe 10 minutes to carry the various gardening tools from the shed to the front garden. It didn’t really look like there was anywhere that needed gardening, really, but I didn’t think that strange. Maybe they were going to change the whole thing. It’s none of my business. I was carrying the last load of tools to the front yard when I felt the first few raindrops. One or two aren’t too big of a deal, drones were designed with a bit of rain in mind. My job was done, anyway. The front doors being locked wasn’t all that surprising. The door through the laundry being locked was maybe just a coincidence. But I got outside through the main entertaining area, and that being locked was strange. I couldn’t have done it. Tessa’s folks never gave us drones the keys. That’s… this is fine. There’s other doors. The rain is pouring down now. I’m starting to get cold. It’s getting late, too. My mind starts thinking about what would happen if nobody finds me out here, left out in the rain to rust forever. I… I can’t let myself dwell on that. I try wipe the drops from my glasses with my sleeve, but it only leaves a smudge and now I can’t see any better than if I wasn’t wearing them at all. The other side of the house is Tessa’s parents’ room. They’d know I was out here. They’d hate seeing me, and would especially hate me banging on their window, but they’d at least tell Tessa. I walk past one of the living rooms, the most used one. The lights are off. It’s not even 6:00. Nobody’s in there. I keep going to Tessa’s parents’ bedroom. Yet again, the lights are off, and after turning my lights on to the brightest setting, I can tell the room’s empty of people, too. I keep my lights on. It’s dark, now. My shoes, not made for the weather, are muddy and moist, and my clothes are soaked. I hate the sound it all makes. My last chance is a door in the front room with a balcony that overlooks the land to the right of the mansion. The ground doesn’t meet it, but the paving around the house does. Walking under the safety of the roof, I meet the door with relief. And it doesn’t open either. This… can’t be happening. This can’t be happening…! I knock on the door. Maybe someone’s in there. I knock harder. I’m banging on the door as loud as I can. “Help!” I cry, “Can anyone hear me? Let me in!” There’s a bright flash and the loudest thunderclap I’ve ever heard. “I… I’ll die! Please, let me in!” I turn around with my back to the door. The sky is black, the rain is pelting ever harder, and I’m no longer safe under this tiny bit of roof. I need shelter. All I can think of is that shed where the tools were. That’s solid. I can just… wait out the storm under there. I can just wait until they come looking for me. They’ll find me. But it’s a terrifying, miserable run back to it. I slip and tear the edge of my dress on the concrete floor, tripping over it. Dragging it through the squelchy, muddy ground, I reach the safety of the shed, slamming the door behind me. I fumble with the bolt, and eventually the door is locked. The whole structure shakes from the wind, like it’s about to fall over, but stays standing. I can’t wear these dripping clothes anymore. I have to take them off, or the water will seep into my body and I’ll short circuit. It’s freezing cold without them on. The wind is picking up. It’s rattling the shed, and the trees around it. Thunder sounds so dark and horrible from in here. I curl myself into a ball, turn my lights off, and cover my ears. They’ll… come looking for me. They have to. They have to. They’ll know something’s wrong. They’ll know I’m missing. Thunder. They’ll come find me they’ll come find me they’ll come find me they’ll come find me - The thought of “what would happen if they didn’t” refuses to leave my mind. I keep repeating to myself that I’ll be saved, that I just have to outlast the storm, but I can’t hear myself think. I can only feel, and I feel unsafe, vulnerable, and like I’m about to die. The wind is worsening. Something slams onto the roof of the shed with a horrible and deafeningly loud bang. I scream in panic and overwhelm. They’ll come find me. They’ll come find me. They’ll come find me. They’ll come find me. I repeat the phrase for what feels both like minutes and hours. I hear nothing from outside except the storm. No panicked voices, nobody yelling out for me, nothing. Eventually, I think it starts hailing too, and the noise feels like it’s going to tear me apart. I can’t stay here I have to get inside I have to get inside I have to get inside - In my desperation and panic, I throw open the shed door and sprint towards the house. I guard my screen and core from the hail, and slip in the mud on the way. I crawl to the door on my knees, and grab the handle, expecting it by some miracle to be open despite the empty rooms and darkness, and it doesn’t budge. I’m weak. I bang on the glass windows, and eventually I just try screaming. Nothing helps. I really am going to die out here. Nobody’s coming to find me. The only thing I can do is protect my core from the water and hope a short circuit doesn’t fry all of my internals instantly. “Tessa… please…” I beg to nobody. “I know I mean nothing to you, but… I’m dying…” Nothing makes sense anymore. I think I’ve taken some damage from all the water. I lay sideways on the wet concrete, back to the door. I’m curled into a ball again. I have to protect my core. I have to… protect… I’m dying. I’m going to die. This is it. My vision is failing. There’s nothing I can do. Something inside me is surely broken and damaged beyond repair. N isn’t going to manage without me. If I die and he’s left alone with J… he’ll…
There’s Tessa’s face again. I’m in her bedroom workshop. I must be reliving my first memories. Everything looks muted. I don’t remember anything from before I got here. I remember seeing Tessa for the first time, her face apprehensive yet beaming with excitement as I looked around, confused, in her bedroom-turned-workshop. I remember her telling me where I was. Who she was. I remember not knowing who I am, and her explaining that’s up to me. I remember meeting J. She always looked at me with some sort of contempt, or maybe just boredom, but now I’d rather be with her than any of this. Anything to escape this. Tessa’s face isn’t beaming, though. She’s worried. “Can… hear me…? Oh jeez…” I can’t make out her words. Everything is muffled. She taps at my screen, and I blink as she pokes me in the eye. “Visuals are working, good, good…” “T- Tessa…?” I try say, but I can tell my voice is broken. I look down, and see my chest is open, core exposed, bits and pieces thrown everywhere. “Jeez, uh, maybe don’t look at that, V. Keep your eyes on me, OK?” Tessa says abruptly, grabbing my chin and pointing my head at hers. “Don’t… don’t try talk either. I’ll get to fixing that soon. Just… stay with me, OK? I don’t…” she wipes a tear from her cheek. “I don’t wanna lose you, V.” If… if these are my memories… why do I know who Tessa is…? Why does she know my name? This isn’t how things went… I lift a hand to my face, and the light on the back is flickering unevenly, unhealthily, dangerously. “You, uh… sustained a lot of water damage, V. I’m… I’m really sorry I couldn’t tell. I’m really, really sorry.” Water… damage? I… didn’t die? It’s slowly coming back to me. There’s flashes of Tessa running towards me, screaming, but I can’t turn my head to face her. I’m motionless as she tries to lift me, but fails. How… how long ago was that? How long was I left out there? I now remember the feeling of Tessa dragging me inside by the ankle, then trying to haul me upstairs on her own, and failing that too. One of the others must have helped her get me up here. I look around this room. It’s daylight, at least. There’s wet towels around the place, hanging out to try. Tessa moves my arm gently out of the way, needing to get to something in my chest. I relax it by my side again. I really want to talk to her. I try flash a message up on my screen. < ALIVE ? > “Yes, yes V… You’re alive…” Tessa embraces me the best she can, putting down her tools for a moment, and nearly laying on top of me. I put my arms around her, too. < YOU CARE ? > “I care, V, I’m here… I’m here, and you’re safe. I- I’ll have you fixed in no time, trust me,” she says hopefully, though not confidently. “For now you should rest, OK? You’ve gotta recover. The core does that best when it’s unconscious.” I… I do feel extremely tired. Maybe I will close my eyes after all. Things are fading again.
Sometime later, I awake, and Tessa’s still working on me. She’s got oil on her face, and her clothes are stained, but she’s still at it, and doesn’t seem tired at all. Eventually, she notices I can see what she’s doing. “Oh, uh, hey. It’s night,” she explains. “I’m almost done, don’t worry. Your movement was messed up real bad. It’s fixable, don’t worry, but it’s just taking a while. Tedious job.” She barely looks me in the eyes, instead focusing on some fiddly little part in my left shoulder. < VOCAL ? > “Oh, right. Should be fixed. Try it out,” she suggests. I try speak. “How… am I ali-” I can only manage a few words before things start lagging and freaking me out. “Ooooo-kay, never mind. We’ll get to that later. Having you walking around is more important right now. Just take it easy.” I rest my head back down. After a moment, she asks me a very intriguing question. “Why were you even out in the rain, anyway?” < J SAID YOU > < SAID YOUR PARENTS > < ASKED ME TO MOVE > < GARDENING TOOLS TO > < FRONT GARDEN > She looks at me in stunned silence. “She did…? I never said anything like that. Gardening tools? That stuff hasn’t been touched in like, a decade.” < I THOUGHT IT > < WAS STRANGE BUT > < YOUR PARENTS DO > < STRANGE THINGS > “Ain’t that true, huh? Gardening isn’t one of those things, though.” I think for a moment. < WHY WOULD J > < TELL ME THAT > < IF IT WASNT TRUE ? > She pauses, looking away for a second. I think she knows something’s wrong, but won’t say it. There’s a knock on the door. It’s J. “Tess, mother and father are gonna be pissed if you don’t come down for dinner right now.” “You did tell them what I’m doing, right?” “You think they care?” Tessa scoffed, putting down her solderer on its stand, and turning it off at the power. “Fuckin’… fine. Whatever,” she whispers under her breath. “Coming now, J.” Tessa looks me in the eyes. “Don’t you go anywhere, OK?” < DONT THINK I CAN > I smirk a little. She rolls her eyes, but grabs my hand thoughtfully. “Won’t be long, promise.” She opens the door, swinging it open, and with one last look, walks out. And J walks in. “Shit. Well. Look at you,” she says, snarly. I can’t think of anything to say. “See, this is the sort of thing that teaches people a lesson,” she begins. “This is why you have to listen to me, V.” She unfolds her arms, and walks over to me from the doorway. < FUCK YOU > “Oh, don’t worry, I don’t want to see you either.” I’m helpless as she fiddles with a few of the cables inside me. Tessa was in the process of fixing something with my arms, so I can’t even move. I try scream, but there’s only some buzzing and beeping. It hurts. So much. “From now on, you do what I say. My orders only. I don’t care if mother and father have you doing something else.” < OR WHAT > “Or I distract Tessa better next time,” she says, pulling one cable from its socket. I don’t know what it did but I can’t stop her. I can’t stop her. She’s going to kill me. “I mean, I didn’t think you’d actually survive being out there in the first place. But I think I’d feel a little bad if you did die.” < DONT DO ANYTHING > < TO HURT N > “Oh, you know I can’t guarantee that. Sometimes my urges just get the better of me and he’s… around looking so pitiful. I can’t help it, really,” she says, playfully twirling one ponytail with her hand that isn’t buried in my chest. “And the next time that happens? You’re on my side. No more defending the little idiot. There’s consequences to that sort of thing, V.” She takes a handful of cables in her hand, and looks me right in the eyes. “Understood?” she says, glancing at her handful of my insides. I’m shaking. Or, I’d be shaking if I had any control over my motors. All I can do is blink my screen in distress and stare at her. It takes me too long to consider an answer, and even though my entire body wants me to move and grab her by the throat and pull her guts out instead, I have no authority anymore. I have no choice. < UNDERSTOOD > “Good. Great! That’s just great, V,” she says gleefully, though the expression on her face is still one of disturbing confidence and authority. It doesn’t match her tone of voice at all. I can’t even tell if she’s putting it on or not. I can’t trust anything she does anymore. I have to take her seriously. If I mess up at all, if I go against her, she’ll… We both jump at hearing footsteps sprinting back up the stairs. Tessa throws open the door. J pulls her hand out of me just in time, changing her maniacal expression to one of feigned concern. “J? What’re you doing in here?” “Just… wanted to see her, that’s all. Make sure she’s feeling alright. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to her.” “Oh. Yeah. Right, of course. Just, uh… Mum and Dad said I-” “Mother and father,” J interjects. “M- Mother and father said I have to clean my face and everything. Oh, and I’m grounded immediately after dinner. So that’s fun.” “You should have thought of that. Oh well, I guess it’s for a good purpose.” < ITS HER FAULT > I display in desperation, hoping Tessa will notice my cry for help, but neither of them notice. Instead, they’re busy looking at each other. I’d almost forgotten they were like that. Tessa goes to look at me and I make my screen go blank. J would know. J would know what I’m doing. I can’t risk anything. I can’t risk anything or it’s over. She looks at me for a few seconds, and just as she’s about to look into my chest and notice things are unplugged, J grabs one of the towels laying next to me on the bed, and wipes some of the grease off of Tessa’s face. “Let’s get that sorted out quickly, alright?” She adds with a blush. Tessa’s face goes red in response, and she nods rapidly. “It seems she’s gone to sleep again,” J commands. “We’ve got a minute.” “J, no, I… mum and dad are already furious, I can’t take any longer,” Tessa stammers, flushed and excited but unable to escape the thought of her parents’ anger. She puts her hands on J’s shoulders. “Afterwards? Maybe? I still have to fix V. Soz.” “Afterwards,” J says soothingly, cleaning the rest of Tessa’s face, then turning her around and guiding her back out the room. Closing the door behind them both, she flashes one last message to me on her own screen. < FOLLOW ORDERS > < OR YOU DIE > I’m alone. Not just… spatially. I just… I just signed away any positive relations I had with N. In return for not dying. I… I’d rather not die. But N is… he doesn’t mean any harm, he’s the only one other than Tessa who’s shown me any respect at all… Where… where even is he? If anyone were to come and see if I was alright after all that, it’d be him, right? He cares, right? And there I lay for the next hour and a half. The handful of times I’ve been around for dinner with the Elliott’s, Tessa’s parents never stopped talking about… whatever the hell they wanted. Usually some problem they’ve been mulling over for ages. One time, there was a good month or two between me being around for dinner and they were still talking about the exact same thing. I can only imagine the hell Tessa goes through with them every night. And now my mind gets to boil, repeating J’s words over and over.
-- LOAD MEMORY --
After N arrived, it didn’t take long for J to latch onto him in the worst way. With me, she was at least a little welcoming. Cold, sure, but not overly concerned. She still got most of Tessa’s attention. I didn’t mind not having as much. They clearly had some sort of a connection. Not that Tessa didn’t like me or something. She still looked out for me. Repaired me when I got hurt. Protected me from her parents who were getting increasingly fed up with the number of drone parts laying around their house. N, though… Tessa bringing N home really did something to J. I don’t know why. She was just… different after that. Whereas I was shy and not very talkative, N was always excitable, happy, enthusiastic, and all these other things that Tessa couldn’t really ignore. She really liked him. Not in the same way she liked J, though. They had something else going on. But I don’t think J cared. She just saw N getting more attention than her and it freaked her out. And so the bullying began. I’d been there almost 6 months at that point, and it had taken less than one for J to establish this “let’s abuse N” idea. For a long time I didn’t know it was happening. It didn’t start around me, and since we all spent a lot of time around each other, N didn’t feel comfortable telling me about it when J was around. Eventually though, J stopped caring that I was there and started picking on him around me, too. She’d try to get me in on it, to join her in pointing out how pathetic and useless he was. Instead, I ignored her and watched, also kinda scared that she’d start doing it to me, too. Eventually though, I felt she took it too far. It was hard to be around and see him freaking out like that as J scalded him for being ‘too sensitive’. So, I told her to cut it out. “…What was that, V?”“I said cut it out. I’m tired of hearing you going at him like that. What’re you even trying to achieve, anyway?” I objected. “That’s weird, I thought you didn’t care enough to stand up for this idiot,” she retorted. “God, I can’t believe you’d even try. I don’t even think I’ve heard you say a sentence that long before.”
“I just don’t think Tessa would be happy that you’re picking on the new guy. Especially considering your… relations.”
“You wouldn’t dare,” she glared, finally turning her attention to me. “And what the hell do you mean by ‘relations’, huh?”
“Oh come on, it’s obvious. Her room is literally right next to ours, and the walls are thin. I’ve heard what you two get up to. She’d be really disappointed. You’ve seen how much she likes N.”
“You’re a piece of shit, you know that?” J yelled, walking over to me confidently. I stood up to match her height, and she went to push me backward but I shoved her arm out of the way. “Don’t you fucking touch me,” she said, disgusted. “Well, don’t you touch him, either. Leave him alone, and I won’t say anything,” I offered, looking down at N, backed into a corner, hair messed up, screen chipped, exhausted, terrified. “You do anything to him again and the next time I see Tessa I tell her. OK?”
“...Are you blackmailing me? Is that what you’re doing?” J asked, mockingly. “Seriously. I didn’t think you had it in you.” She turned back to N and scoffing. “Pathetic,” she whispered. “Heard that.”
“Ugh. I didn’t say anything.” J walked closer to N again, though noticeably not as aggressive as before. “Fine. I’m so sorry, alright? Here, I’ll even help you up.” She extended an arm to him, which he only looked at, still scared. “Come on, I’m trying to be nice. Oh well. If you want to reject good help when you see it, so be it.”
“You’re really close, J. I mean it.”
“I didn’t do anything, OK? I wasn’t going to do anything. I’m done now, alright? Walking away.” J strutted out of the room with her usual attitude, not taking a second look at me or her brother before slamming the door behind her. I bet she’s going to Tessa to soothe her nerves. “Uh… thanks, V…?” N muttered. “I know we haven’t really… talked… or anything? But t-thanks. For that.” He looked at me as if he was some sick puppy who I’d just rescued. “Don’t mention it. Really. I think J would only get worse if Tessa knew,” I stated. “I just can’t stand seeing you get hurt anymore. Who does she think she is?”
“Tessa’s favourite,” N said. “That’s what she tells me. She says it doesn’t make sense why someone as stupid and pathetic as me gets to be Tessa’s new favourite.”
“She says that?”
“Yeah. All the time. Not really when you’re around though. Just to me.” He slowly picked himself up off the ground, brushing his suit that didn’t really fit properly. He’d only just got it. Apparently Tessa’s parents had wanted a boy and had picked out this whole wardrobe for ‘him’ once he came of age. And they weren’t really the type to throw valuable things away. So now it belonged to N. I did really feel sorry for the guy. Sure, I’d barely been introduced to him, and he slept in Tessa’s room for now since she hadn’t set anything up in J and I’s room so I didn’t even see him at the end of the day, but he really did have something different to him. He’s positive about things. Even now, after being pushed around, name-called, and beaten down, he still had a little smile on his face, laughing at what he was saying. Optimistic, that’s the word. Or maybe just coping in his own way. “Do you think she’ll stop?”
“…I don’t know. But if anything gets bad – like, really bad – you can tell me. And Tessa. Please tell someone. You’re not alone, OK?” I tried to comfort him. “And uh, I know I’m not exactly the most talkative or outgoing. But I’ll listen if you need anyone to talk to.” He smiled warmly again. I think he’s going to start crying. J might have been right about him being sensitive. I just don’t think that’s a bad thing. “Thanks, V. Really. T-that means a lot.” After that, I don’t think I saw J do anything to him for a good month. It was nice while it lasted, I suppose. Things were calmer. It gave N some time to settle in to things. God, his optimism was like a breath of fresh air. I wouldn’t say J was always negative, but she certainly wasn’t a joy to be around. For that time, it seemed things were alright. N even made J genuinely laugh and smile one time. I thought maybe it was over, that she’d done some reflection or something in her own time. Maybe she’d even talked to Tessa herself and opened up to her. It did seem like things changed a bit between them, at least. And then, in late July, there was a string of unbelievably stormy nights. I already didn’t like those. It was always frightening for us drones. Supposedly we were made waterproof for a certain amount of time, but the idea of a constant downpour was not pleasant. Not that we ever really went outside much anyway, and that was really only when it was sunny. Winter was time to stay inside, where it was warm. All of the signs were there, I really should have picked up on what J was trying to do, but again I really hoped things were alright by now. Besides, she never really came after me like she did with N. But, it still happened anyway. “V~”, she sung out, almost skipping towards me, “Tessa said her parents want you to go grab something from the gardening shed for them. They’re planning something, apparently.” “They just asked me to vacuum the library again a few minutes ago. I’m kinda busy,” I said, picking up some of the books N always forgot to pack away. “Well, when you’ve finished that, then. But it did sound urgent.” I sighed. “Fine, what did they want me to get?” “A few shovels, apparently. They’re getting some gardeners in and don’t want to pay extra for them bringing tools.” “That’s stupid,” I said. “Yeah, well, you know how cheap they can be. Even though they’ve got so much money to spare.” “I guess,” I said, finally having the books in the right order. “Just a couple shovels, then?” “Maybe some trowels, I don’t know. Just get a bunch of gardening things and put them at the front. The more, the better. That’s what they said to Tessa. I’m just relaying the orders,” she explained, innocently enough. “Right. You take over this, then, OK? They did want the library done, too.” “Sure, alright. Good luck out there, it’s still kinda wet from the other day. Take it easy.” “Yeah. Will do.” Take it easy. Yeah, right. She knew exactly what she was doing. It was pretty overcast outside. Grey sky but not raining. The wind was howling, though. The shed itself was a cheap thing made out of corrugated metal hidden in the very back corner of their enormous garden. It didn’t look like anyone had really been in there for a while. It was fairly overgrown on the outside, and on the inside all the tools were covered in mostly empty spiderwebs, though one or two still had an occupant. Not that it was any danger to me. In the shed, the wind sounded unbelievable, probably from the nearby tree whose branches bashed against the walls, rattling and resonating the entire structure. It took me maybe 10 minutes to carry the various gardening tools from the shed to the front garden. It didn’t really look like there was anywhere that needed gardening, really, but I didn’t think that strange. Maybe they were going to change the whole thing. It’s none of my business. I was carrying the last load of tools to the front yard when I felt the first few raindrops. One or two aren’t too big of a deal, drones were designed with a bit of rain in mind. My job was done, anyway. The front doors being locked wasn’t all that surprising. The door through the laundry being locked was maybe just a coincidence. But I got outside through the main entertaining area, and that being locked was strange. I couldn’t have done it. Tessa’s folks never gave us drones the keys. That’s… this is fine. There’s other doors. The rain is pouring down now. I’m starting to get cold. It’s getting late, too. My mind starts thinking about what would happen if nobody finds me out here, left out in the rain to rust forever. I… I can’t let myself dwell on that. I try wipe the drops from my glasses with my sleeve, but it only leaves a smudge and now I can’t see any better than if I wasn’t wearing them at all. The other side of the house is Tessa’s parents’ room. They’d know I was out here. They’d hate seeing me, and would especially hate me banging on their window, but they’d at least tell Tessa. I walk past one of the living rooms, the most used one. The lights are off. It’s not even 6:00. Nobody’s in there. I keep going to Tessa’s parents’ bedroom. Yet again, the lights are off, and after turning my lights on to the brightest setting, I can tell the room’s empty of people, too. I keep my lights on. It’s dark, now. My shoes, not made for the weather, are muddy and moist, and my clothes are soaked. I hate the sound it all makes. My last chance is a door in the front room with a balcony that overlooks the land to the right of the mansion. The ground doesn’t meet it, but the paving around the house does. Walking under the safety of the roof, I meet the door with relief. And it doesn’t open either. This… can’t be happening. This can’t be happening…! I knock on the door. Maybe someone’s in there. I knock harder. I’m banging on the door as loud as I can. “Help!” I cry, “Can anyone hear me? Let me in!” There’s a bright flash and the loudest thunderclap I’ve ever heard. “I… I’ll die! Please, let me in!” I turn around with my back to the door. The sky is black, the rain is pelting ever harder, and I’m no longer safe under this tiny bit of roof. I need shelter. All I can think of is that shed where the tools were. That’s solid. I can just… wait out the storm under there. I can just wait until they come looking for me. They’ll find me. But it’s a terrifying, miserable run back to it. I slip and tear the edge of my dress on the concrete floor, tripping over it. Dragging it through the squelchy, muddy ground, I reach the safety of the shed, slamming the door behind me. I fumble with the bolt, and eventually the door is locked. The whole structure shakes from the wind, like it’s about to fall over, but stays standing. I can’t wear these dripping clothes anymore. I have to take them off, or the water will seep into my body and I’ll short circuit. It’s freezing cold without them on. The wind is picking up. It’s rattling the shed, and the trees around it. Thunder sounds so dark and horrible from in here. I curl myself into a ball, turn my lights off, and cover my ears. They’ll… come looking for me. They have to. They have to. They’ll know something’s wrong. They’ll know I’m missing. Thunder. They’ll come find me they’ll come find me they’ll come find me they’ll come find me - The thought of “what would happen if they didn’t” refuses to leave my mind. I keep repeating to myself that I’ll be saved, that I just have to outlast the storm, but I can’t hear myself think. I can only feel, and I feel unsafe, vulnerable, and like I’m about to die. The wind is worsening. Something slams onto the roof of the shed with a horrible and deafeningly loud bang. I scream in panic and overwhelm. They’ll come find me. They’ll come find me. They’ll come find me. They’ll come find me. I repeat the phrase for what feels both like minutes and hours. I hear nothing from outside except the storm. No panicked voices, nobody yelling out for me, nothing. Eventually, I think it starts hailing too, and the noise feels like it’s going to tear me apart. I can’t stay here I have to get inside I have to get inside I have to get inside - In my desperation and panic, I throw open the shed door and sprint towards the house. I guard my screen and core from the hail, and slip in the mud on the way. I crawl to the door on my knees, and grab the handle, expecting it by some miracle to be open despite the empty rooms and darkness, and it doesn’t budge. I’m weak. I bang on the glass windows, and eventually I just try screaming. Nothing helps. I really am going to die out here. Nobody’s coming to find me. The only thing I can do is protect my core from the water and hope a short circuit doesn’t fry all of my internals instantly. “Tessa… please…” I beg to nobody. “I know I mean nothing to you, but… I’m dying…” Nothing makes sense anymore. I think I’ve taken some damage from all the water. I lay sideways on the wet concrete, back to the door. I’m curled into a ball again. I have to protect my core. I have to… protect… I’m dying. I’m going to die. This is it. My vision is failing. There’s nothing I can do. Something inside me is surely broken and damaged beyond repair. N isn’t going to manage without me. If I die and he’s left alone with J… he’ll…
There’s Tessa’s face again. I’m in her bedroom workshop. I must be reliving my first memories. Everything looks muted. I don’t remember anything from before I got here. I remember seeing Tessa for the first time, her face apprehensive yet beaming with excitement as I looked around, confused, in her bedroom-turned-workshop. I remember her telling me where I was. Who she was. I remember not knowing who I am, and her explaining that’s up to me. I remember meeting J. She always looked at me with some sort of contempt, or maybe just boredom, but now I’d rather be with her than any of this. Anything to escape this. Tessa’s face isn’t beaming, though. She’s worried. “Can… hear me…? Oh jeez…” I can’t make out her words. Everything is muffled. She taps at my screen, and I blink as she pokes me in the eye. “Visuals are working, good, good…” “T- Tessa…?” I try say, but I can tell my voice is broken. I look down, and see my chest is open, core exposed, bits and pieces thrown everywhere. “Jeez, uh, maybe don’t look at that, V. Keep your eyes on me, OK?” Tessa says abruptly, grabbing my chin and pointing my head at hers. “Don’t… don’t try talk either. I’ll get to fixing that soon. Just… stay with me, OK? I don’t…” she wipes a tear from her cheek. “I don’t wanna lose you, V.” If… if these are my memories… why do I know who Tessa is…? Why does she know my name? This isn’t how things went… I lift a hand to my face, and the light on the back is flickering unevenly, unhealthily, dangerously. “You, uh… sustained a lot of water damage, V. I’m… I’m really sorry I couldn’t tell. I’m really, really sorry.” Water… damage? I… didn’t die? It’s slowly coming back to me. There’s flashes of Tessa running towards me, screaming, but I can’t turn my head to face her. I’m motionless as she tries to lift me, but fails. How… how long ago was that? How long was I left out there? I now remember the feeling of Tessa dragging me inside by the ankle, then trying to haul me upstairs on her own, and failing that too. One of the others must have helped her get me up here. I look around this room. It’s daylight, at least. There’s wet towels around the place, hanging out to try. Tessa moves my arm gently out of the way, needing to get to something in my chest. I relax it by my side again. I really want to talk to her. I try flash a message up on my screen. < ALIVE ? > “Yes, yes V… You’re alive…” Tessa embraces me the best she can, putting down her tools for a moment, and nearly laying on top of me. I put my arms around her, too. < YOU CARE ? > “I care, V, I’m here… I’m here, and you’re safe. I- I’ll have you fixed in no time, trust me,” she says hopefully, though not confidently. “For now you should rest, OK? You’ve gotta recover. The core does that best when it’s unconscious.” I… I do feel extremely tired. Maybe I will close my eyes after all. Things are fading again.
Sometime later, I awake, and Tessa’s still working on me. She’s got oil on her face, and her clothes are stained, but she’s still at it, and doesn’t seem tired at all. Eventually, she notices I can see what she’s doing. “Oh, uh, hey. It’s night,” she explains. “I’m almost done, don’t worry. Your movement was messed up real bad. It’s fixable, don’t worry, but it’s just taking a while. Tedious job.” She barely looks me in the eyes, instead focusing on some fiddly little part in my left shoulder. < VOCAL ? > “Oh, right. Should be fixed. Try it out,” she suggests. I try speak. “How… am I ali-” I can only manage a few words before things start lagging and freaking me out. “Ooooo-kay, never mind. We’ll get to that later. Having you walking around is more important right now. Just take it easy.” I rest my head back down. After a moment, she asks me a very intriguing question. “Why were you even out in the rain, anyway?” < J SAID YOU > < SAID YOUR PARENTS > < ASKED ME TO MOVE > < GARDENING TOOLS TO > < FRONT GARDEN > She looks at me in stunned silence. “She did…? I never said anything like that. Gardening tools? That stuff hasn’t been touched in like, a decade.” < I THOUGHT IT > < WAS STRANGE BUT > < YOUR PARENTS DO > < STRANGE THINGS > “Ain’t that true, huh? Gardening isn’t one of those things, though.” I think for a moment. < WHY WOULD J > < TELL ME THAT > < IF IT WASNT TRUE ? > She pauses, looking away for a second. I think she knows something’s wrong, but won’t say it. There’s a knock on the door. It’s J. “Tess, mother and father are gonna be pissed if you don’t come down for dinner right now.” “You did tell them what I’m doing, right?” “You think they care?” Tessa scoffed, putting down her solderer on its stand, and turning it off at the power. “Fuckin’… fine. Whatever,” she whispers under her breath. “Coming now, J.” Tessa looks me in the eyes. “Don’t you go anywhere, OK?” < DONT THINK I CAN > I smirk a little. She rolls her eyes, but grabs my hand thoughtfully. “Won’t be long, promise.” She opens the door, swinging it open, and with one last look, walks out. And J walks in. “Shit. Well. Look at you,” she says, snarly. I can’t think of anything to say. “See, this is the sort of thing that teaches people a lesson,” she begins. “This is why you have to listen to me, V.” She unfolds her arms, and walks over to me from the doorway. < FUCK YOU > “Oh, don’t worry, I don’t want to see you either.” I’m helpless as she fiddles with a few of the cables inside me. Tessa was in the process of fixing something with my arms, so I can’t even move. I try scream, but there’s only some buzzing and beeping. It hurts. So much. “From now on, you do what I say. My orders only. I don’t care if mother and father have you doing something else.” < OR WHAT > “Or I distract Tessa better next time,” she says, pulling one cable from its socket. I don’t know what it did but I can’t stop her. I can’t stop her. She’s going to kill me. “I mean, I didn’t think you’d actually survive being out there in the first place. But I think I’d feel a little bad if you did die.” < DONT DO ANYTHING > < TO HURT N > “Oh, you know I can’t guarantee that. Sometimes my urges just get the better of me and he’s… around looking so pitiful. I can’t help it, really,” she says, playfully twirling one ponytail with her hand that isn’t buried in my chest. “And the next time that happens? You’re on my side. No more defending the little idiot. There’s consequences to that sort of thing, V.” She takes a handful of cables in her hand, and looks me right in the eyes. “Understood?” she says, glancing at her handful of my insides. I’m shaking. Or, I’d be shaking if I had any control over my motors. All I can do is blink my screen in distress and stare at her. It takes me too long to consider an answer, and even though my entire body wants me to move and grab her by the throat and pull her guts out instead, I have no authority anymore. I have no choice. < UNDERSTOOD > “Good. Great! That’s just great, V,” she says gleefully, though the expression on her face is still one of disturbing confidence and authority. It doesn’t match her tone of voice at all. I can’t even tell if she’s putting it on or not. I can’t trust anything she does anymore. I have to take her seriously. If I mess up at all, if I go against her, she’ll… We both jump at hearing footsteps sprinting back up the stairs. Tessa throws open the door. J pulls her hand out of me just in time, changing her maniacal expression to one of feigned concern. “J? What’re you doing in here?” “Just… wanted to see her, that’s all. Make sure she’s feeling alright. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to her.” “Oh. Yeah. Right, of course. Just, uh… Mum and Dad said I-” “Mother and father,” J interjects. “M- Mother and father said I have to clean my face and everything. Oh, and I’m grounded immediately after dinner. So that’s fun.” “You should have thought of that. Oh well, I guess it’s for a good purpose.” < ITS HER FAULT > I display in desperation, hoping Tessa will notice my cry for help, but neither of them notice. Instead, they’re busy looking at each other. I’d almost forgotten they were like that. Tessa goes to look at me and I make my screen go blank. J would know. J would know what I’m doing. I can’t risk anything. I can’t risk anything or it’s over. She looks at me for a few seconds, and just as she’s about to look into my chest and notice things are unplugged, J grabs one of the towels laying next to me on the bed, and wipes some of the grease off of Tessa’s face. “Let’s get that sorted out quickly, alright?” She adds with a blush. Tessa’s face goes red in response, and she nods rapidly. “It seems she’s gone to sleep again,” J commands. “We’ve got a minute.” “J, no, I… mum and dad are already furious, I can’t take any longer,” Tessa stammers, flushed and excited but unable to escape the thought of her parents’ anger. She puts her hands on J’s shoulders. “Afterwards? Maybe? I still have to fix V. Soz.” “Afterwards,” J says soothingly, cleaning the rest of Tessa’s face, then turning her around and guiding her back out the room. Closing the door behind them both, she flashes one last message to me on her own screen. < FOLLOW ORDERS > < OR YOU DIE > I’m alone. Not just… spatially. I just… I just signed away any positive relations I had with N. In return for not dying. I… I’d rather not die. But N is… he doesn’t mean any harm, he’s the only one other than Tessa who’s shown me any respect at all… Where… where even is he? If anyone were to come and see if I was alright after all that, it’d be him, right? He cares, right? And there I lay for the next hour and a half. The handful of times I’ve been around for dinner with the Elliott’s, Tessa’s parents never stopped talking about… whatever the hell they wanted. Usually some problem they’ve been mulling over for ages. One time, there was a good month or two between me being around for dinner and they were still talking about the exact same thing. I can only imagine the hell Tessa goes through with them every night. And now my mind gets to boil, repeating J’s words over and over.
[N] Rooftop Emotions
(Reading time: ~28 minutes)
3068 – Elliott Manor, Sydney, NSW, Australia, Earth
I’ve decided to see where V’s been going to all this time. She’s been sneaking away after Tessa’s done with dinner, and whenever I’ve tried to ask she’s gotten all ‘don’t talk to me’ and ‘shut up’ about it. It’s weird, though. Normally she hangs out with J, but I don’t think J even knows she’s sneaking away like this. During dinner, us drones usually have to stay nearby in case our services are required, but usually nothing happens. V just sits there anxiously with J, and I sit on the other side of the room, comforting Cyn. Tessa’s told me to keep an eye on her, and I understand why. Cyn has trouble doing a lot of things herself, sometimes needing a hand to even walk around some days. She always seems to stay positive, though, even with J and V picking on the both of us sometimes. I can hear the chairs scraping the floor as the Elliott family gets up from the table, finished with their meals. Even though we’re servants for the mansion, we don’t do the cooking. They won’t allow any of us in the kitchen after “the incident”, which is a shame because I really like the sound of baking. I’ve read a few books on it from their library, too. Cookies seem nice, but it’s not like I can really eat them. It would be bad to get crumbs in my circuitry. What if something got stuck? One of Tessa’s parents rings the small bell by the doorway, meaning we have to go and pack up the dishes and clean the table. Normally the three of us – Cyn sits this bit out – can get it done pretty quickly, and even though they’ve made this house look over 1000 years old, at least they’ve got the sense for a dishwasher. Tessa sticks her head through the doorway briefly, waving to us, then putting a hand to her stomach. “Er, hate to say it but I’m not really feeling too good. Think I’ll just go straight to bed, guys,” she admits, a little miserably. Feeling sick must really suck. “Oh, alright. Take care of yourself, OK?” J replies, concernedly. “I’ll come join you in a bit once we’re all done here. It shouldn’t take long. Then it can just be you and me.” “B-but, b-big sister…” Cyn tries to say. “Tessa and m-me were going t-to…” “…Sorry, Cyn, I’m really just not feeling up to it tonight. Really, I’m sorry. You’ll have to spend some time with the others until bedtime, alright? Then you can sleep with me again. How’s that sound?” Tessa admits. She does genuinely sound sorry. Cyn really gets along well with her. “O-okie…” Cyn mumbles, and drops her head a little. J rolls her eyes looking at Cyn, hiding it from Tessa. “Alright, let’s clear the table. Come on, the sooner it gets done, the sooner we can go upstairs,” J commands. “See you soon, TJ. Go lay down.” “Will do. See ya, folks,” Tessa smiles, before turning to leave. “Bye, Tess!” I add, excitably, and she waves a hand back to me as she turns to go up the stairs. At least J is right about the dishes not taking long. It looks like they had a roast or something for dinner. Lamb, maybe? Apparently that’s a popular human food. Again, I know nothing about cooking or food aside from what Tessa mentions to us in passing. It’s not something we really talk about. Eventually, after all of the plates and glasses are loaded and I’ve inevitably gotten some sort of mess on my hands, we finally head upstairs to rest. Sure enough, J goes straight to Tessa’s room, not even saying a word to Cyn, V or me before we go back to our own room. I mean, technically it isn’t Cyn’s room since she always sleeps with Tessa in case she needs help with anything, but it is where we spend most of our time when we’re not doing servant things. It then suddenly hits me that V isn’t even here. She must have already left. “Hey, Cyn? Did you see when V left?” I ask, not really expecting her to have noticed either. “O-oh, um, n-not really. M-maybe it was o-on the stairs?” She replies, turning her attention to the puzzle she’s been working on. It’s been a few days since Tessa gave her this from some storage box in the basement, and she’s been spending time on it ever since. It’s good that she can put her mind to something and keep herself entertained. She really does like her puzzles. “I’m gonna go see where she is, OK? Just a sec.” I give her a pat on the head, and she looks at me with big eyes. “O-OK, big b-brother,” she smiles sweetly, and waves somewhat limply. Well, I think we would have noticed if she went to somewhere else on this floor, which means she probably kept going upstairs. But what would she even want with the third floor? We’re not usually allowed up there without permission. I could get in trouble for being up here, too, but I do really want to know where V is. She’s been really off since that night she got caught in the storm a few months ago now, and I just want to know that she’s OK. It would be really bad if something like that happened again. Sometimes I hear her mumbling stuff about wind and rain in her sleep, and she freaks out whenever it rains outside. I think she tries to hide it whenever J is around, though. Maybe she doesn’t want to seem vulnerable around her? I don’t really get those two. I figure she maybe went to Mrs. Elliott’s study. She’s got a private collection of books and other things that have always fascinated me, at least. Of course, I’ve never been allowed to touch any of it, though. I try to make my way quietly down the hallway, but it’s much easier for a human than for a drone. At least humans wear socks. Maybe I could start wearing socks. Would that be weird? Wait, I forgot, Cyn already wears those black and white striped socks. I should ask Tessa for some later. Maybe she even has some with dogs on them! I know you can get all sorts of designs. Despite that, Tessa’s parents don’t seem to have noticed me walking past their door, or creaking open the door to the study. Unfortunately, V isn’t anywhere to be seen. It’s a strange little room. It’s probably the smallest room in the entire mansion, even counting the bathrooms. It’s practically just a desk, a bookshelf, and a currently open, ornate glass door that opens to a little balcony. That being said, the desk and bookshelf are really nicely made, with patterns carved into their wood. There’s even a fountain pen on the desk with a bottle of ink and a blank notebook opened up to the untouched first page, and if that doesn’t sum up Tessa’s folks’ whole aesthetic then I don’t know what does. The view from the balcony is really beautiful, though. I mean, it’s the only view I’ve ever known, really, but it’s still nice. Some stars are starting to come out. Soon, I find myself standing on the balcony, looking at the garden that the Elliott’s are so proud of, complete with rows of hedges, a fountain they had special-ordered from some world-class designer, and my personal favourite gum tree that I sit under during summer. I look up towards the night sky, and sigh. It really is something else. Apparently there’s other drones and humans out there on other planets, doing their own things. I wonder if any of them are looking out at their night sky right now, too, thinking the same thing. But I find myself getting distracted, of course, so I turn around to head back inside. I’m meant to be looking for – Oh, there she is. She’s sitting on the roof, looking out into the distance, too. Or at least, she was until she noticed me as well. “N? What the hell are you doing here?” She asks, angrily but whispering. “Looking for you. Hey, there you are,” I smile. “What are you doing up there?” She averts her gaze briefly, adjusting her hair in the wind, and pushing up her glasses. “Enjoying some time alone.” “Oh. I guess you’ve been needing a lot of that. I keep noticing you not being around with us. You doing OK?” “I’m fine,” she says in a way that I’m fairly sure means she isn’t fine, but doesn’t want to elaborate. “No, really, I want to know if you’re doing OK. I know you get really scared some nights, and I just wanted to check you weren’t stuck outside again, so…” I trail off. She’s not really looking at anything in particular. It’s like her expression has just glazed over. “You sure you’re alright?” I ask, trying to figure out she even got up there in the first place. “It’s… it’s a lot, N. I don’t think you’d understand.” “I’m still happy to listen, though. That’s what you told me back then, remember?” Now her expression goes slightly sour, then sad. “…Let me help you up. It’s a bit tricky,” she sighs, climbing down a little to offer me a hand. I grab it and soon I’m sitting next to her on these slippery tiles. “So, you uh… come here often?” I ask, jovially. She scoffs, or maybe just exhales loudly, and keeps her attention focused on the outside world. “Month or two now. Most nights after dinner. Honestly I’m surprised nobody noticed earlier. Actually it makes me kinda mad.” “Oh. I’m sorry.” “No, N, you…” she sighs. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. I should be apologising to you.” “Huh? For coming up here to spend time alone? Why would you have to apologise for that?” “No, it’s not about the roof, it’s…” she trails off. “Look, I know we don’t get along so well. You’re always super positive and J and I always beat you down whenever she gets the chance. That’s what I’m sorry for.” “Oh. Right,” I don’t really agree with her. “Well, for starters, J just kinda sucks like that. I don’t blame her.” “What? N, she literally beats the shit out of you every other day. It’s on a schedule. You know that? She’s got it in her fucking calendar.” “But she’s probably got her reasons for it. I probably made her upset or something.” “Don’t tell me you’re siding with her on this…?” “Eh, it’s fine, I’m used to it. Nobody really sides with me anyway,” I say, trying to show a bit of my actual feelings on it all, hoping she’ll notice. “… You probably need some time alone too, don’t you?” She asks, concerned. “It’d be nice sometimes. Staying up at night doesn’t really do the trick.” “Yeah. I… I know,” she sighs again. “You know, I think a lot about you. Shit, that sounds weird. It’s not like that,” she explains a bit too quickly. I’d blush if I could. “What I mean is, I don’t really… want to hurt you. J just sorta… tells me what to do, and I have to do what she tells me, or she’ll…” “Huh? Oh, well obviously. I never thought you were doing that because you liked it. I can see it on your face when it’s all happening. Well, when I’m not covering my face, that is,” I admit. “…Really? You believe me? Just like that?” “V, you were the first person to ever stand up for me. I don’t think you’d just turn your back on that so suddenly.” “I… I never wanted to…” She’s holding her head in her hands now. Her voice is shaky. “S- sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset or -” “No, no, it’s not you, it’s just…” I think she’s crying. “S- sorry. I shouldn’t be doing this. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t have told you anything.” “What? No, you’ve gotta talk to someone. I said I’d listen, and here I am listening. You can’t just have no-one, V,” I try comforting her. “I… know what it’s like to have no-one.” Maybe that was the wrong thing to say. She’s crying louder, now. I try gently put my hand on her back, but she bats it away and looks at me with this piercing expression, before glancing at her hand she just hit me with, and going back to crying. She really is ashamed of it all. “V, it’s… it’s not your fault.” “Is it? Really? Why do I keep hurting you, then? You saw what I just did. I can’t fucking control myself! I can’t stop hurting you, can I?” She yells, painfully, almost lunging at me to grab me by the shoulders, but she holds herself back. I flinch. “You’re… you’re not hurting me right now, V. We’re just talking.” I don’t really know what to say. “I can hurt you just as easily by talking. You know that. I’ll say whatever she tells me, I don’t care how it makes you feel.” “You sure seem really upset for someone who doesn’t care, V. It’s alright. You don’t have to try and protect yourself. She’s not here.” “She’s…” V goes quiet. “… It was to do with the storm, wasn’t it? She did something, didn’t she?” “I don’t wanna talk about it,” she says, abruptly. “That’s alright, V.” I shuffle closer to her, and she doesn’t seem to object. “J just manages to hurt people around her, doesn’t she?” “Yeah.” Her voice is still quiet. “…You want a hug?” I offer, opening my arms a little. She looks at me with mixed emotions, before lowering her head. I embrace her. It’s a bit awkward. I haven’t hugged her before. She’s putting a lot of weight into me. I lean into her, too. “I… I really don’t want to hurt you or Cyn. I’m… I’m so sorry. She just… she scares me so much…” she repeats. “It’s alright, I get it. I understand, don’t you worry about that.” “I just can’t believe you can even be anywhere near me after everything I’ve done.” “Look, J scares me too, but I’m never going to forget when you told her to get lost. That’s more important than anything she does.” “But you’re still hurt.” “I try not to focus on it. I’ve gotta stay positive, you know?” I smile, slowly releasing the hug and looking her in the face. “… You shouldn’t have to.” She says, wistfully, and adjusts her glasses. She’s right, but what am I supposed to do about it? I can’t let it consume me. Pushing it down just means I can focus on, well, anything else. And if I make myself seem OK, J will probably think she’s not actually doing that much to me, so she might give up. That, and people say you’re supposed to “fake it ‘til you make it”, so… “How does Cyn feel about all of this? About me?” “I think she loves her big sister, V. I’m not sure if she even can be scared of you,” I laugh a little. “Despite everything, I think she’s more capable of dealing with all of this than I am. She must also know you don’t want to hurt us.” “But she’s always so… vulnerable. J is always talking about how easy of a target she is. It always makes me feel sick.” “I know, but that’s why I’ve gotta be there to help her. Sure, she’s got Tessa too, but she can’t take care of her alone. Besides, she’s always fun to be around.” I smile. “You should spend more time with her when J’s busy. I’m sure she’d love that.” “She’s a tough little thing, isn’t she?” V smiles back, finally calming down. “I don’t know how she’s able to deal with it, but… I’ve noticed it too. I guess she just has her own ways.” A memory comes back to me, and I chuckle to myself. “… She’s got this innocence to her, but she’s smart. Remember when she actually stood up to J that time? She was speechless. I’ll never forget the look on her face.” “I thought she’d frozen or something,” V adds, reminiscing too. “She didn’t say anything to me for the rest of the day after that. Cyn really is amazing.” She pauses. “Though I wish it made any difference to J.” There’s commotion inside. Someone’s running around. “Uh oh. Maybe it’s time to head back inside,” I whisper. V nods, balancing herself carefully as she slowly makes her way down the rooftop. I follow. We barely manage to close the balcony door before Tessa bursts into the room, panting and panicked. “Shit! There you are, V!” She exclaims, mad, relieved, and exhausted. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you…!” “We…?” V asks. “Cyn came in saying N had gone to look for you…” she stammers between breaths. “… Hey N, good to see you’re alright too…” I smile at Tessa, who’s now got her hands on her knees as she tries to stop hyperventilating. “Look I’m… not mad or something, just… don’t disappear like that, alright?” “Yeah. Sorry, Tessa. I just need time to myself sometimes. J doesn’t really leave me alone,” V explains, trying not to give away the whole situation. “Yep, I get that, just tell me when you’re going to do that, OK? Jeez, I don’t feel so good,” Tessa says, deciding to sit down. She stretches her arms up to open her lungs as much as possible, and finally succeeds in slowing her breathing. “How long have we been here, Tessa?” I ask, realising I lost track of time up on the rooftop. “Well, I’ve been looking for you both for about 40 minutes now. So at least that.” “Oh. Sorry. I didn’t realise I’d been gone so long. I’d gone to look for her too, you know I was concerned like you are, and we ended up talking a bit, and…” I run out of words to say. “Just talking?” “Y… yeah? Why, what else would we be doing? We’re not allowed to touch anything in here.” “Never mind,” Tessa says, waving her hands at me, flustered. “Phew, let’s just go back to our rooms, OK? I need to lie down.” “Good idea,” V says, with finality, heading towards the door, and helping Tessa up. She gestures with her head towards the door, signalling to me that it’s time to go, too. Tessa stretches as she gets up, before immediately slouching over again. She must have tried searching the whole mansion. As we get to the stairs, V stays back a little, letting me go first, but I look at her and flash a message to her on my screen. < DON’T WANT TO GO ? > I tilt my head a little, concerned. < BACK TO SPENDING TIME WITH J > she displays. < NONE OF THIS EVER HAPPENED > < OUR SECRET ;) > She undoes her display, and smiles warmly, now taking some steps down the stairs. She stops at my level and we stare at each other for a moment. I can’t tell if she wants another hug or not. “If you ever want to talk again, you know…” I whisper, hopefully. “Thanks, but… I don’t know. I still need my alone time,” she replies, looking away before nodding. “Yeah, but when you don’t want to be alone, we can talk. I mean it.” “…Yeah. I’ll let you know,” she smiles for a moment, before continuing down the stairs. I think again about the night sky view we shared. A calm and peaceful feeling in the air. What a beautiful secret spot she’s found. We’re soon standing at the open door to our room. We shuffle inside and get to our beds. Actually, they’re just mattresses, Tessa’s folks wouldn’t spend money buying us proper beds. These are just the spares. “Cyn, time for bed!” I call to her. She’s still working on the same puzzle. “You were gonna go sleep with Tess, remember?” Her face lights up immediately, and she drops the piece she was holding. “Tessa!” She says, delightedly. She almost falls out of her chair at the speed she’s going, and waves goodnight to V and me as she stands in the doorway. “G-goodnight, big b-brother, big s-sister,” she smiles. “Goodnight Cyn,” we both reply. V whispers to me once Cyn’s left the room. “…You know I’m still going to have to do everything J tells me to, right?” Her voice is tired and muffled. She must be head-first in her pillow. “I wish this could change something.” “I know,” I sigh. “Maybe one day things will be easier for that. We can both stand up to her eventually, I know that. When we’re stronger, we’ll tell her she can’t boss us around like that anymore.” “Or when we’re desperate.” “Maybe. But it will happen. Things are gonna be OK in the end, V, I know it.” “You and your endless positivity.” I hear her laugh to herself quietly. “You betcha.” I struggle for a moment to find a comfy position, and eventually I settle on laying on my side with my arms and legs all stretched out. I saw a dog doing it in a book once and I think they might be onto something, because it is really comfy. “Goodnight, V,” I whisper, knowing J will come back at any moment from Tessa’s room. “Goodnight, N,” V replies.
-- LOAD MEMORY --
I’ve decided to see where V’s been going to all this time. She’s been sneaking away after Tessa’s done with dinner, and whenever I’ve tried to ask she’s gotten all ‘don’t talk to me’ and ‘shut up’ about it. It’s weird, though. Normally she hangs out with J, but I don’t think J even knows she’s sneaking away like this. During dinner, us drones usually have to stay nearby in case our services are required, but usually nothing happens. V just sits there anxiously with J, and I sit on the other side of the room, comforting Cyn. Tessa’s told me to keep an eye on her, and I understand why. Cyn has trouble doing a lot of things herself, sometimes needing a hand to even walk around some days. She always seems to stay positive, though, even with J and V picking on the both of us sometimes. I can hear the chairs scraping the floor as the Elliott family gets up from the table, finished with their meals. Even though we’re servants for the mansion, we don’t do the cooking. They won’t allow any of us in the kitchen after “the incident”, which is a shame because I really like the sound of baking. I’ve read a few books on it from their library, too. Cookies seem nice, but it’s not like I can really eat them. It would be bad to get crumbs in my circuitry. What if something got stuck? One of Tessa’s parents rings the small bell by the doorway, meaning we have to go and pack up the dishes and clean the table. Normally the three of us – Cyn sits this bit out – can get it done pretty quickly, and even though they’ve made this house look over 1000 years old, at least they’ve got the sense for a dishwasher. Tessa sticks her head through the doorway briefly, waving to us, then putting a hand to her stomach. “Er, hate to say it but I’m not really feeling too good. Think I’ll just go straight to bed, guys,” she admits, a little miserably. Feeling sick must really suck. “Oh, alright. Take care of yourself, OK?” J replies, concernedly. “I’ll come join you in a bit once we’re all done here. It shouldn’t take long. Then it can just be you and me.” “B-but, b-big sister…” Cyn tries to say. “Tessa and m-me were going t-to…” “…Sorry, Cyn, I’m really just not feeling up to it tonight. Really, I’m sorry. You’ll have to spend some time with the others until bedtime, alright? Then you can sleep with me again. How’s that sound?” Tessa admits. She does genuinely sound sorry. Cyn really gets along well with her. “O-okie…” Cyn mumbles, and drops her head a little. J rolls her eyes looking at Cyn, hiding it from Tessa. “Alright, let’s clear the table. Come on, the sooner it gets done, the sooner we can go upstairs,” J commands. “See you soon, TJ. Go lay down.” “Will do. See ya, folks,” Tessa smiles, before turning to leave. “Bye, Tess!” I add, excitably, and she waves a hand back to me as she turns to go up the stairs. At least J is right about the dishes not taking long. It looks like they had a roast or something for dinner. Lamb, maybe? Apparently that’s a popular human food. Again, I know nothing about cooking or food aside from what Tessa mentions to us in passing. It’s not something we really talk about. Eventually, after all of the plates and glasses are loaded and I’ve inevitably gotten some sort of mess on my hands, we finally head upstairs to rest. Sure enough, J goes straight to Tessa’s room, not even saying a word to Cyn, V or me before we go back to our own room. I mean, technically it isn’t Cyn’s room since she always sleeps with Tessa in case she needs help with anything, but it is where we spend most of our time when we’re not doing servant things. It then suddenly hits me that V isn’t even here. She must have already left. “Hey, Cyn? Did you see when V left?” I ask, not really expecting her to have noticed either. “O-oh, um, n-not really. M-maybe it was o-on the stairs?” She replies, turning her attention to the puzzle she’s been working on. It’s been a few days since Tessa gave her this from some storage box in the basement, and she’s been spending time on it ever since. It’s good that she can put her mind to something and keep herself entertained. She really does like her puzzles. “I’m gonna go see where she is, OK? Just a sec.” I give her a pat on the head, and she looks at me with big eyes. “O-OK, big b-brother,” she smiles sweetly, and waves somewhat limply. Well, I think we would have noticed if she went to somewhere else on this floor, which means she probably kept going upstairs. But what would she even want with the third floor? We’re not usually allowed up there without permission. I could get in trouble for being up here, too, but I do really want to know where V is. She’s been really off since that night she got caught in the storm a few months ago now, and I just want to know that she’s OK. It would be really bad if something like that happened again. Sometimes I hear her mumbling stuff about wind and rain in her sleep, and she freaks out whenever it rains outside. I think she tries to hide it whenever J is around, though. Maybe she doesn’t want to seem vulnerable around her? I don’t really get those two. I figure she maybe went to Mrs. Elliott’s study. She’s got a private collection of books and other things that have always fascinated me, at least. Of course, I’ve never been allowed to touch any of it, though. I try to make my way quietly down the hallway, but it’s much easier for a human than for a drone. At least humans wear socks. Maybe I could start wearing socks. Would that be weird? Wait, I forgot, Cyn already wears those black and white striped socks. I should ask Tessa for some later. Maybe she even has some with dogs on them! I know you can get all sorts of designs. Despite that, Tessa’s parents don’t seem to have noticed me walking past their door, or creaking open the door to the study. Unfortunately, V isn’t anywhere to be seen. It’s a strange little room. It’s probably the smallest room in the entire mansion, even counting the bathrooms. It’s practically just a desk, a bookshelf, and a currently open, ornate glass door that opens to a little balcony. That being said, the desk and bookshelf are really nicely made, with patterns carved into their wood. There’s even a fountain pen on the desk with a bottle of ink and a blank notebook opened up to the untouched first page, and if that doesn’t sum up Tessa’s folks’ whole aesthetic then I don’t know what does. The view from the balcony is really beautiful, though. I mean, it’s the only view I’ve ever known, really, but it’s still nice. Some stars are starting to come out. Soon, I find myself standing on the balcony, looking at the garden that the Elliott’s are so proud of, complete with rows of hedges, a fountain they had special-ordered from some world-class designer, and my personal favourite gum tree that I sit under during summer. I look up towards the night sky, and sigh. It really is something else. Apparently there’s other drones and humans out there on other planets, doing their own things. I wonder if any of them are looking out at their night sky right now, too, thinking the same thing. But I find myself getting distracted, of course, so I turn around to head back inside. I’m meant to be looking for – Oh, there she is. She’s sitting on the roof, looking out into the distance, too. Or at least, she was until she noticed me as well. “N? What the hell are you doing here?” She asks, angrily but whispering. “Looking for you. Hey, there you are,” I smile. “What are you doing up there?” She averts her gaze briefly, adjusting her hair in the wind, and pushing up her glasses. “Enjoying some time alone.” “Oh. I guess you’ve been needing a lot of that. I keep noticing you not being around with us. You doing OK?” “I’m fine,” she says in a way that I’m fairly sure means she isn’t fine, but doesn’t want to elaborate. “No, really, I want to know if you’re doing OK. I know you get really scared some nights, and I just wanted to check you weren’t stuck outside again, so…” I trail off. She’s not really looking at anything in particular. It’s like her expression has just glazed over. “You sure you’re alright?” I ask, trying to figure out she even got up there in the first place. “It’s… it’s a lot, N. I don’t think you’d understand.” “I’m still happy to listen, though. That’s what you told me back then, remember?” Now her expression goes slightly sour, then sad. “…Let me help you up. It’s a bit tricky,” she sighs, climbing down a little to offer me a hand. I grab it and soon I’m sitting next to her on these slippery tiles. “So, you uh… come here often?” I ask, jovially. She scoffs, or maybe just exhales loudly, and keeps her attention focused on the outside world. “Month or two now. Most nights after dinner. Honestly I’m surprised nobody noticed earlier. Actually it makes me kinda mad.” “Oh. I’m sorry.” “No, N, you…” she sighs. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. I should be apologising to you.” “Huh? For coming up here to spend time alone? Why would you have to apologise for that?” “No, it’s not about the roof, it’s…” she trails off. “Look, I know we don’t get along so well. You’re always super positive and J and I always beat you down whenever she gets the chance. That’s what I’m sorry for.” “Oh. Right,” I don’t really agree with her. “Well, for starters, J just kinda sucks like that. I don’t blame her.” “What? N, she literally beats the shit out of you every other day. It’s on a schedule. You know that? She’s got it in her fucking calendar.” “But she’s probably got her reasons for it. I probably made her upset or something.” “Don’t tell me you’re siding with her on this…?” “Eh, it’s fine, I’m used to it. Nobody really sides with me anyway,” I say, trying to show a bit of my actual feelings on it all, hoping she’ll notice. “… You probably need some time alone too, don’t you?” She asks, concerned. “It’d be nice sometimes. Staying up at night doesn’t really do the trick.” “Yeah. I… I know,” she sighs again. “You know, I think a lot about you. Shit, that sounds weird. It’s not like that,” she explains a bit too quickly. I’d blush if I could. “What I mean is, I don’t really… want to hurt you. J just sorta… tells me what to do, and I have to do what she tells me, or she’ll…” “Huh? Oh, well obviously. I never thought you were doing that because you liked it. I can see it on your face when it’s all happening. Well, when I’m not covering my face, that is,” I admit. “…Really? You believe me? Just like that?” “V, you were the first person to ever stand up for me. I don’t think you’d just turn your back on that so suddenly.” “I… I never wanted to…” She’s holding her head in her hands now. Her voice is shaky. “S- sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset or -” “No, no, it’s not you, it’s just…” I think she’s crying. “S- sorry. I shouldn’t be doing this. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t have told you anything.” “What? No, you’ve gotta talk to someone. I said I’d listen, and here I am listening. You can’t just have no-one, V,” I try comforting her. “I… know what it’s like to have no-one.” Maybe that was the wrong thing to say. She’s crying louder, now. I try gently put my hand on her back, but she bats it away and looks at me with this piercing expression, before glancing at her hand she just hit me with, and going back to crying. She really is ashamed of it all. “V, it’s… it’s not your fault.” “Is it? Really? Why do I keep hurting you, then? You saw what I just did. I can’t fucking control myself! I can’t stop hurting you, can I?” She yells, painfully, almost lunging at me to grab me by the shoulders, but she holds herself back. I flinch. “You’re… you’re not hurting me right now, V. We’re just talking.” I don’t really know what to say. “I can hurt you just as easily by talking. You know that. I’ll say whatever she tells me, I don’t care how it makes you feel.” “You sure seem really upset for someone who doesn’t care, V. It’s alright. You don’t have to try and protect yourself. She’s not here.” “She’s…” V goes quiet. “… It was to do with the storm, wasn’t it? She did something, didn’t she?” “I don’t wanna talk about it,” she says, abruptly. “That’s alright, V.” I shuffle closer to her, and she doesn’t seem to object. “J just manages to hurt people around her, doesn’t she?” “Yeah.” Her voice is still quiet. “…You want a hug?” I offer, opening my arms a little. She looks at me with mixed emotions, before lowering her head. I embrace her. It’s a bit awkward. I haven’t hugged her before. She’s putting a lot of weight into me. I lean into her, too. “I… I really don’t want to hurt you or Cyn. I’m… I’m so sorry. She just… she scares me so much…” she repeats. “It’s alright, I get it. I understand, don’t you worry about that.” “I just can’t believe you can even be anywhere near me after everything I’ve done.” “Look, J scares me too, but I’m never going to forget when you told her to get lost. That’s more important than anything she does.” “But you’re still hurt.” “I try not to focus on it. I’ve gotta stay positive, you know?” I smile, slowly releasing the hug and looking her in the face. “… You shouldn’t have to.” She says, wistfully, and adjusts her glasses. She’s right, but what am I supposed to do about it? I can’t let it consume me. Pushing it down just means I can focus on, well, anything else. And if I make myself seem OK, J will probably think she’s not actually doing that much to me, so she might give up. That, and people say you’re supposed to “fake it ‘til you make it”, so… “How does Cyn feel about all of this? About me?” “I think she loves her big sister, V. I’m not sure if she even can be scared of you,” I laugh a little. “Despite everything, I think she’s more capable of dealing with all of this than I am. She must also know you don’t want to hurt us.” “But she’s always so… vulnerable. J is always talking about how easy of a target she is. It always makes me feel sick.” “I know, but that’s why I’ve gotta be there to help her. Sure, she’s got Tessa too, but she can’t take care of her alone. Besides, she’s always fun to be around.” I smile. “You should spend more time with her when J’s busy. I’m sure she’d love that.” “She’s a tough little thing, isn’t she?” V smiles back, finally calming down. “I don’t know how she’s able to deal with it, but… I’ve noticed it too. I guess she just has her own ways.” A memory comes back to me, and I chuckle to myself. “… She’s got this innocence to her, but she’s smart. Remember when she actually stood up to J that time? She was speechless. I’ll never forget the look on her face.” “I thought she’d frozen or something,” V adds, reminiscing too. “She didn’t say anything to me for the rest of the day after that. Cyn really is amazing.” She pauses. “Though I wish it made any difference to J.” There’s commotion inside. Someone’s running around. “Uh oh. Maybe it’s time to head back inside,” I whisper. V nods, balancing herself carefully as she slowly makes her way down the rooftop. I follow. We barely manage to close the balcony door before Tessa bursts into the room, panting and panicked. “Shit! There you are, V!” She exclaims, mad, relieved, and exhausted. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you…!” “We…?” V asks. “Cyn came in saying N had gone to look for you…” she stammers between breaths. “… Hey N, good to see you’re alright too…” I smile at Tessa, who’s now got her hands on her knees as she tries to stop hyperventilating. “Look I’m… not mad or something, just… don’t disappear like that, alright?” “Yeah. Sorry, Tessa. I just need time to myself sometimes. J doesn’t really leave me alone,” V explains, trying not to give away the whole situation. “Yep, I get that, just tell me when you’re going to do that, OK? Jeez, I don’t feel so good,” Tessa says, deciding to sit down. She stretches her arms up to open her lungs as much as possible, and finally succeeds in slowing her breathing. “How long have we been here, Tessa?” I ask, realising I lost track of time up on the rooftop. “Well, I’ve been looking for you both for about 40 minutes now. So at least that.” “Oh. Sorry. I didn’t realise I’d been gone so long. I’d gone to look for her too, you know I was concerned like you are, and we ended up talking a bit, and…” I run out of words to say. “Just talking?” “Y… yeah? Why, what else would we be doing? We’re not allowed to touch anything in here.” “Never mind,” Tessa says, waving her hands at me, flustered. “Phew, let’s just go back to our rooms, OK? I need to lie down.” “Good idea,” V says, with finality, heading towards the door, and helping Tessa up. She gestures with her head towards the door, signalling to me that it’s time to go, too. Tessa stretches as she gets up, before immediately slouching over again. She must have tried searching the whole mansion. As we get to the stairs, V stays back a little, letting me go first, but I look at her and flash a message to her on my screen. < DON’T WANT TO GO ? > I tilt my head a little, concerned. < BACK TO SPENDING TIME WITH J > she displays. < NONE OF THIS EVER HAPPENED > < OUR SECRET ;) > She undoes her display, and smiles warmly, now taking some steps down the stairs. She stops at my level and we stare at each other for a moment. I can’t tell if she wants another hug or not. “If you ever want to talk again, you know…” I whisper, hopefully. “Thanks, but… I don’t know. I still need my alone time,” she replies, looking away before nodding. “Yeah, but when you don’t want to be alone, we can talk. I mean it.” “…Yeah. I’ll let you know,” she smiles for a moment, before continuing down the stairs. I think again about the night sky view we shared. A calm and peaceful feeling in the air. What a beautiful secret spot she’s found. We’re soon standing at the open door to our room. We shuffle inside and get to our beds. Actually, they’re just mattresses, Tessa’s folks wouldn’t spend money buying us proper beds. These are just the spares. “Cyn, time for bed!” I call to her. She’s still working on the same puzzle. “You were gonna go sleep with Tess, remember?” Her face lights up immediately, and she drops the piece she was holding. “Tessa!” She says, delightedly. She almost falls out of her chair at the speed she’s going, and waves goodnight to V and me as she stands in the doorway. “G-goodnight, big b-brother, big s-sister,” she smiles. “Goodnight Cyn,” we both reply. V whispers to me once Cyn’s left the room. “…You know I’m still going to have to do everything J tells me to, right?” Her voice is tired and muffled. She must be head-first in her pillow. “I wish this could change something.” “I know,” I sigh. “Maybe one day things will be easier for that. We can both stand up to her eventually, I know that. When we’re stronger, we’ll tell her she can’t boss us around like that anymore.” “Or when we’re desperate.” “Maybe. But it will happen. Things are gonna be OK in the end, V, I know it.” “You and your endless positivity.” I hear her laugh to herself quietly. “You betcha.” I struggle for a moment to find a comfy position, and eventually I settle on laying on my side with my arms and legs all stretched out. I saw a dog doing it in a book once and I think they might be onto something, because it is really comfy. “Goodnight, V,” I whisper, knowing J will come back at any moment from Tessa’s room. “Goodnight, N,” V replies.
[Tessa] Diagnostics
(Reading time: ~30 minutes)
2025 – Our Home, Adelaide, South Australia, Australia, Earth
I’ve been sitting and watching videos with Cyn, but it’s getting late and I’m falling asleep. 1:03am. Not awful for us, all things considered – Uzi stays up until 3 – but it’s probably time to wind down and get into bed. I hear N yelling out from a room down the corridor. Something about V. I sigh. “Just a minute, OK?” I say to Cyn, concerned, as I pull myself out of bed. “Awa,” she responds with a silly noise, half-asleep. She grips a plushie tightly, smiles at me, and rolls over. I open the door and almost collide with N, who’s clearly extremely worried, fidgeting with his hands. “V is – she’s uh – w-well… I was just turning off the computer for bed and…” he stammers. She takes a look down the corridor, leading my attention to the study we all share and I see V collapsed on the couch, twitching slightly and maybe muttering something. V must have shown up here a month or so ago now. None of us are exactly sure how we got to ‘modern day’ Earth, but I’m not complaining – I’m supposed to be dead. Cyn got here late last year sometime, and apparently her identity was all fuzzy. N and Uzi showed up in January, then me a month or two later, then finally V in August. Standing over her, it’s pretty clear what’s happening. This is a flashback. It’s not the first time for her – she has them fairly frequently, and much more vividly than the rest of us. Occasionally, she’ll mutter something to herself or focus her eyes on something here in a moment of lucidity, but apart from that she’s completely out. “W-what do I do, Tess?!” N panicks. “She’s having a flashback, N. I don’t know if there’s much we can do about it,” I say, solemnly. “Did you try snapping her out of it?” “I tried talking to her, I tried shaking her by the shoulders… but she goes straight back into it…” “Damn. Righty-o. This one’s serious, then. What was happening before it? Were you talking about something?” “Uh, she mentioned something about the Solver…? She was saying something quietly to herself, I wasn’t really paying attention… I wish I was.” “Nah, don’t blame yourself. This sort of thing just… happens, I guess.” I sit myself on the carpet, cross-legged, and try not to look at V too much. Is it weird to watch someone as they’re having a flashback? “Actually, know what? There’s something we can do,” I realise. “Y-yeah?” “Yeah. She mentioned the Solver? This’ll be a good opportunity.” I shuffle over to the box of various cables and begin sifting through it. DC power, no. USB, no. There we go, RCA. Two should reach. “Jeez, please don’t hate me for this,” I say, walking over to V, who’s still twitching slightly. I feel around the base of her neck for the little hatch – there it is – and peer under to make sure the colours match. The other end I run over to the VCR’s front input – thank god this place has one – and turn on the TV, switching it to AV. It takes a few seconds, but the machine catches the signal. It’s a scene of the mansion. Shit, I haven’t it like this in ages. This must be the library. She’s sorting books. Even with the artefacting from the storage, it’s still pretty clear what it is. It’s like it was just recorded. “We’ve got a video out port under our necks?” N questions, feeling around the base of her own head. “Yeah, it was for debugging stuff, originally. Don’t lose the cover. Don’t want anything getting in the ports.” “The huh? Ah, biscuits –” It immediately falls to the floor and he scrambles to pick it back up. I wheel over the chair, and watch the scene intently. A young version of N walks into frame, accompanied by Cyn. “Aw, we’re holding hands,” N comments, clicking the cover back into place. He’ll definitely be fiddling with this later. I should tell Uzi to not let him lose that. I don’t exactly have spare parts here. “We look really sad, though.” V’s vision focuses on the two of them, she waves a little to them both, and N returns one, but Cyn’s head still hangs. “Basement again?” V asks, quietly. “Mhm,” N replies. “Cyn’s leg was really playing up, and Mrs. Elliott thought it was scary again.” “She would,” V sighs, and continues to stacking the books. “Why did we have so many books out all the time, anyway?” Present-day N asks me. “She’d always order a bunch of new ones in. Though, it’s not like she reads all of them. It’s all performative, so she can show her other rich friends her enormous and perfectly sorted library. Keeping up appearances, y’know?” “Sounds silly.” “Sure is.” It sounds like past N has finally gotten the basement door open. It’s a heavy, wooden door on the floor that leads to the cold concrete that became Cyn’s room, or prison, I guess. But mostly it was just a storeroom for things mum and dad didn’t want to be seen laying around. V turns upon hearing the door slam open onto the floor, and Cyn shakes her head, taking a step back, cautiously. She nearly slips over. Her knee was really playing up from the looks of things. “Come on, Cyn, please? We’ll all get in trouble…” Past N says, reaching out to her. There’s a flash of static, and the video freezes for a few frames, before the signal dies. “Oh. Uh, that’s not good,” I say. I tap on the VCR a few times, but nothing happens. “Shit. Well, there goes that idea. I thought I’d maybe learn something from that.” “V? You alright?” N says quietly, almost as if he’s far away. “She doesn’t look any better,” I reply, looking back over at her. She’s still limp. I look back to N. His eyes are stuck looking at the TV, and his mouth hangs open loosely. “V? What’re you looking at?” N’s voice says again. It’s coming from the TV. “Oh, there’s… still audio? I guess just the video got corrupted, or something. Weird, hey?” N doesn’t respond. “N…? You hearing me?” I ask, worriedly. Her eyes aren’t focusing on me at all. Her neck is starting to tilt over. “Hey, snap out of it. You feeling OK?” I tap his cheek, and she shakes her head, blinking a few times, coming back to reality. “Huh? What?” She says, confused. “My head feels weird…” “Oh, there we go. You were just staring at the TV. Was it too much for you? How much did you hear about what I just said?” “Why, what were we talking about? Oh, did the video stop?” I roll my eyes a bit, but N does seem genuinely confused. “S- sorry, Tess, my memory’s not great here, either…” She admits, scratching her head. “V? What’s… what’ve you got on your screen? What’s that say?” Past N questions from what must be across the room. Footsteps get closer to V. “‘ERROR606’…? That doesn’t sound good… I-is this some kinda trick you and J are pulling again? Like when you tried to carry me into Tessa’s parents’ room when I was sleeping? That was s-so funny, you two…” Past N laughs, nervously. “That happened?” “No, I woke up in the corridor.” “More importantly, that sounds like the first time you’ve heard of her freezing up like that.” “V’s first blackout…? Guess that would be pretty traumatic for her.” The signal flashes again for a minute, then it goes dead again. V jumps awake, her screen displaying the X-error, claws out and ready to attack, wings splayed to make herself look bigger, and her sharp teeth bared. N pushes me behind him, but I’m not scared. More than anything, I feel sorry for V. The cable to her neck is like butter to her knife-like claws, and she prepares herself for something dangerous, until she looks around for a moment and realises where she is. Her screen flickers for a moment, and her eyes return to normal. She sits down, depressed, on the couch. “Fuck, I…” she begins. “Sorry.” She switches back to her hands, and buries her head in them. N and I both try to reassure her at the same time, but our words get muddled. “It’s alright, it’s not something you can control,” I eventually say. “Wish I could. I don’t want this,” she replies, annoyed and muffled. “Why do I always have to remember things like this? Can’t I just… have memories like a regular person?” “That’s just how it is, V, it means you’re hurt,” N adds. “Obviously. It doesn’t take a flashback for me to know that. We’re all hurt. Why are mine so intense?” she spits. “I don’t know, but… but we’re here for you.” I place a hand on her shoulder and sit next to her. “It’s something all of us have to get through together.” “…Why’d it fucking design us like this?” She says, looking to N. “I…” “Nobody designed your consciousness, V, that’s the biological… part…” I start, but I don’t think V actually wants an explanation. “The memories of the manor are bad for all of us. Please don’t beat yourself up for having them affect you,” N adds. “…How’d you know I was remembering the manor?” “Lucky guess?” N says unconvincingly, tugging at the neckline of his dress. “Ah, uh, I’ll let you handle this one, Tess. I’m gonna… leave…” he laughs awkwardly, and leaves the room, closing the door behind him gently. V sighs, and looks to me. “…Well?” “Well, I thought maybe you’d be remembering something about how the Solver works, N said you were mumbling about it, so I was curious, and I… just grabbed a cable and… put it on the TV?” I admit, embarrassed. “You can watch our memories?” V asks, a little mad. She pulls ends of the broken cable from her head, and studies them. “Yeah, I… I’m sorry, I know it’s an invasion of your privacy and it’s all really personal to you -” “Yeah. Yeah it is, Tess. You couldn’t have just waited until I got up and asked me about it?” “There might’ve been details you didn’t remember when telling me about it, s-since it’s an actual recording and stuff…” I figure it would be best if I stopped talking. She sighs again, falling back into the couch pillows, closing her eyes and rubbing her screen. “Did you even see anything interesting?” “You and N in the library, he’s leading Cyn to the basement, she doesn’t wanna go in… that’s it, then there was a flash and the video cut out, and N said something about you getting one of those blackouts.” “…He did? I don’t remember anything from those at all.” “Yeah?” “It’s like it… I don’t know, cuts straight from one thing to another. I remember it going from day to night and I hadn’t moved. People being there and then not. Nothing in-between.” “That’s… scary. I can’t imagine how that feels. I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t have watched it.” “Yeah, but I get that you’re curious. I am too. I don’t understand it at all. It just all came on so suddenly.” Her speech is choppy, as if she’s having trouble breathing. We sit quietly for a minute, until I have a thought. “What confuses me is that it still recorded audio. You said you don’t remember anything in-between, right? But there’s still a recording of the sound, and you… can’t access it, I suppose.” V sits up a little. “That is weird.” “Look, it’s a stupid thing to ask after all of this, but… could I watch it again? Something felt really off about it all. It does feel almost too sudden.” “You want me to play back my traumatic memories for you just because you’re interested?” There’s a bitterness in her voice. “I said it was a stupid thing to ask.” She puts her hands on her knees and leans over, closes her eyes, and shakes her head disapprovingly. “Fine. But I’m not watching it. I’ll just put the output on the cable. And I’ve got the controls.” “Yes, alright, OK,” I say, pleasantly surprised. “Just give me a minute to find it.” “Great, that’s… that’s great, V. R-really, thanks. I wasn’t expecting you to actually agree to that.” “You wanna learn about the Solver, and we’re the ones it did things to directly over the years. I get it. We’re the only access you have to what happened.” I smile warmly. I’m so glad she understands. “Besides, I’m tired of not remembering. I just wish it wasn’t so painful,” she adds. “Me too, V, me too. Uh, you’re going to need to come closer to the player. You cut the spare cable, remember?” “Oh. Right, OK.”
“Found it, I think,” V says, seriously. “OK, I’ll put the cable in. Change the display when you’re ready,” I ask. “And if it gets too much for you, cut it, OK? I don’t want you freaking out again, for your own sake.” Red. White. Yellow. After a moment, the picture appears on the TV. “It’s a bit early, but it’s the first I’ve got solidly of it. Everything before it is a bit fuzzy.” “That’s fine, V. Hit play, would you?” She nods, and the memory starts. She’s facing away from the TV, purposely averting her gaze. Makes sense that she doesn’t want to watch it again. She’s right, it does seem to be too early, but I keep watching anyway. It’s more context, I guess. But she is just stacking books. Nothing particularly interesting. Hey, there’s that history book I read with her when I first repaired her. Eventually, N enters the room, just as before, leading Cyn to the basement. V and N exchange a wave. “Alright, could you slow it down a bit? Half speed?” “I’ll try,” V says. I guess we haven’t really tested the limits of the memory playback system. I’m just expecting it to work like any other video recording. The video moves slower, now. Cyn refuses to enter the basement, N begins to explain himself, and there’s that flash again, a few frames of nonsense, and then the video cuts just like before. Nothing new. “Pause it a sec. Could you go back a couple of seconds?” V nods again. “Before the flash?” She asks. “Yeah. Hey, you remember that?” “That’s what I remember strongest, really.” “I thought it was just some sort of recording issue.” “No, there really was a bright light. I remember it distinctly.” “…Huh. Can you play it really slow this time?” “I guess.” This time, I study everything closely. She’s slowed it down so I can practically see each frame. “Hang on, pause it.” The footage stops, and the first thing I notice is that the flash starts at Cyn’s hand. A little after she takes the step back, the light in her hand flickers. “Next frame.” A bright light appears in the palm of her hand, practically blowing out everything else in the frame. I can barely make out the glow from N’s screen. “One more.” The light forms into a shape I’m now all too familiar with through my studies. The distinctive three-pointed star that Cyn would scribble everywhere in her basement. Though, I guess that wasn’t really Cyn doing that. “Shit, I had a feeling there was something important going on. There’s that symbol again.” “Hm?” “It’s the Solver, V. Just as the flash begins. How early was this? What’s the date on the memory?” V sighs, still not looking at the screen, though clearly she’s tempted. “It’s from December, 3068.” “That’s a good few months before the gala. And considering Cyn’s already being put into the basement, things have already started to get weird with her. God, the poor thing…” I sigh. It really is so unfair that all of this happened to us. Even if the Solver never did what it did at the gala, it would still have been an awful time. Maybe it’s for best that we didn’t have to deal with it all for much longer. ERROR606… I think I ended up reading about it in one of the old owner’s manuals for the drones mum and dad used to actually have at the mansion willingly. Shocker, I know. I never could get them working, but it was good practice, like a cadaver for a med student. I vaguely remember the manual saying that the error is caused by a pointer issue, that code is trying to read either garbage or nonexistent data. Which is odd. I wouldn’t think that drones that were actually produced and working would ever run into this issue. Maybe JCJenson got really lazy with the debugging and missed it. “You haven’t said anything in a while, Tess,” V says, slightly annoyed. “Gonna tell me what you’re thinking, or…?” “Oh, right, it’s nothing. Just remembering what actually causes the error, that’s all. Data getting interpreted wrong. No clue why your system would be doing that, though. It’s weird,” I explain. “It’s not like I have any idea. Want me to keep playing the memory?” “Yeah, just real slowly again.” “Gotcha. I’ll be looking at the floor.” Unfortunately, there’s not much more to see. The screen goes dark, some stray pixels light up from the artefacting, and the signal disappears again. “Damn. That really is it. I thought there’d be something more interesting because the Solver showed up, but I guess not,” I say, disappointed. “Hate to ask, but do you think you could take a look at it frame by frame too? Maybe I’m missing something.” “I –” “Only if you think you can, though,” I interrupt. “I know it must be hard to relive all of this.” “It’s fine. If I’m looking at it analytically and not emotionally, I’ll be OK. I think.” “Just don’t push yourself –” “OK, firstly, you’re the one who asked me to. Second, I feel fine, trust me.” She looks at me intently, and I don’t reply. The footage rewinds a few seconds, and she starts it again. Her screen goes black. She must be watching it. Once again, the video plays frame by frame, and I see the events happen for a third time. I don’t notice anything new. She pauses it on the frame that the Solver’s symbol appears by Cyn’s hand, and her eyes flicker back on. “You good?” I ask, concerned. “Yeah. Shit, it really is the Solver. You think it did this to me?” “I guess so. No clue how, though. It’s a system error. It would have to be accessing your code, somehow. Can it do that?” “Only to the drones that actually host the Solver, as far as I’m aware. I saw it do things to Uzi back on Copper 9. It messed with her behavior, her memories… it started taking over her body at one point, too. But it never did anything like that to anyone else,” she explained. “Just the hosts, hey?” I wonder aloud. Maybe I’ll have to talk to Uzi about what she remembers, too. Though, I have a feeling I’ll have a harder time getting through to her than with V. “You don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to. I don’t think there’s much left to look at.” “Maybe that’s why you missed something. I’m fine, OK?” She reminds me. Her eyes switch off again. “You need to stop being so –” The bright flash envelops the screen again, but this time it freezes on the first frame after the blackout. Her voice goes quiet all of a sudden. Those weird, stray pixels sit in the top corner of the screen. Why’s she paused it here? ERROR606. Her screen reads ERROR606. It’s happened again. She’s out. “What the fuck? V? Can you hear me?” I panic, jumping from my chair, pulling out the cable, an t grabbing her by the head. Reset button. Where’s that fucking reset button? I lean her over just a bit to access her back, but with her coat on I can’t reach it, so I take it off of her. God, I’m thankful now that the Solver didn’t completely overhaul the design of the disassembly drones. Fiddling with it for a minute, I manage to shove a paperclip into the tiny little hole down between what you could consider her shoulder blades. She slumps to the floor, and I barely manage to stop her head from smacking into the desk on the way down. A few seconds later her screen fades back on, and she clutches her head in pain. “Fuck. Fuck, did I black out or something?” She slowly picks herself up off the floor, but I urge her to take it slow. “It, uh… you got the error again. You froze. As soon as you got to that first frame of nonsense pixels, you…” Hold on. Garbage data. Nonsense pixels. Is that how it’s doing this? “Holy shit. OK. I need to talk out loud. Sorry, I know you’re still waking up, but bear with me.” “I’ll try. Just don’t do it so loud.” “Right. So, the manual said that the error is caused by your system misinterpreting data. Now, I’m not good with computers or code or anything, but I remember hearing something about this concept called arbitrary code execution. It’s where someone inputs a specific set of things in a program that end up getting interpreted as something else on purpose. I think people use it to make old videogames do crazy things.” “It’s like hacking, or something?” “I suppose. We know that the Solver can make holograms, right? It can make you see whatever it wants. So, if it shows you a very specific set of pixels that your visual system just so happens to interpret as whatever it wants you to…” “…That’s how it was brainwashing us. Oh my god. It was reprogramming us.” “One evil QR code, hey? It was making you freeze on purpose. And that’s just the last frame of those pixels. Who knows what the other ones were?” “Shit. Shit, that’s…” V sits back down. “Sorry. It’s a lot, I know.” “I was the guinea pig for all of it. It probably used that to make me do whatever it wanted. I was frozen like that on the night of the gala, wasn’t I?” Her eyes go hollow, and she shudders. “Oh.” I suddenly realise what she’s trying to say. “I think that’s enough of this for now. I guess we did learn something after all. You should go rest. I’m sorry about all of this again.” “No, it’s… you couldn’t have known. I need to lie down.” She begins walking to the door, crossing her arms tightly and slouching. “That sounds good.” I stand up to meet her as she goes to leave. “Hug?” “Yeah. Please.” She’s way stronger than I expect, but she manages not to crush my spine. It’s weird that she’s so tall now. I don’t think I’m gonna be able to get used to that for a while. I guess we’ve all grown up together. She waves as we both get to our doors. “Love ya, V. Take it easy.” “Yeah, you too.” She shakes her head and looks away. “You owe me one. I swear.” “I’ll do breakfast tomorrow. Pancakes?” It’s at least nice that they can eat organic foods now. “Alright,” she smiles. “Don’t forget.” She opens the door to her room. “I won’t. Let me know if you need anything,” I say. “Message Cyn if you need me.” Speaking of, Cyn’s eyes prick awake as I walk in. Damn it, I was trying to be quiet. She always sleeps so lightly. “Pancakes? Tessa?” she mumbles, clearly having overheard our conversation. “Shh, it’s OK. Tomorrow, I promise. Mostly for V, though. I’d explain what happened, but I don’t think you’d wanna hear. Bad memories.” “Oh, okie.” She puts her head back onto the pillow. “B-bedtime, Tessa, y-yay, sleepy time w-with Tessa…” She smiles, closing her eyes again. Cyn grabs my arm as I climb into bed, and holds on tight. She really needs me for support, sometimes. Other times she just like having something to hold. I don’t mind. It’s really sweet, actually. I’ve missed this. “Sweet dreams, you silly little thing,” I tease affectionately, switching off the lamp.
-- LOAD MEMORY --
I’ve been sitting and watching videos with Cyn, but it’s getting late and I’m falling asleep. 1:03am. Not awful for us, all things considered – Uzi stays up until 3 – but it’s probably time to wind down and get into bed. I hear N yelling out from a room down the corridor. Something about V. I sigh. “Just a minute, OK?” I say to Cyn, concerned, as I pull myself out of bed. “Awa,” she responds with a silly noise, half-asleep. She grips a plushie tightly, smiles at me, and rolls over. I open the door and almost collide with N, who’s clearly extremely worried, fidgeting with his hands. “V is – she’s uh – w-well… I was just turning off the computer for bed and…” he stammers. She takes a look down the corridor, leading my attention to the study we all share and I see V collapsed on the couch, twitching slightly and maybe muttering something. V must have shown up here a month or so ago now. None of us are exactly sure how we got to ‘modern day’ Earth, but I’m not complaining – I’m supposed to be dead. Cyn got here late last year sometime, and apparently her identity was all fuzzy. N and Uzi showed up in January, then me a month or two later, then finally V in August. Standing over her, it’s pretty clear what’s happening. This is a flashback. It’s not the first time for her – she has them fairly frequently, and much more vividly than the rest of us. Occasionally, she’ll mutter something to herself or focus her eyes on something here in a moment of lucidity, but apart from that she’s completely out. “W-what do I do, Tess?!” N panicks. “She’s having a flashback, N. I don’t know if there’s much we can do about it,” I say, solemnly. “Did you try snapping her out of it?” “I tried talking to her, I tried shaking her by the shoulders… but she goes straight back into it…” “Damn. Righty-o. This one’s serious, then. What was happening before it? Were you talking about something?” “Uh, she mentioned something about the Solver…? She was saying something quietly to herself, I wasn’t really paying attention… I wish I was.” “Nah, don’t blame yourself. This sort of thing just… happens, I guess.” I sit myself on the carpet, cross-legged, and try not to look at V too much. Is it weird to watch someone as they’re having a flashback? “Actually, know what? There’s something we can do,” I realise. “Y-yeah?” “Yeah. She mentioned the Solver? This’ll be a good opportunity.” I shuffle over to the box of various cables and begin sifting through it. DC power, no. USB, no. There we go, RCA. Two should reach. “Jeez, please don’t hate me for this,” I say, walking over to V, who’s still twitching slightly. I feel around the base of her neck for the little hatch – there it is – and peer under to make sure the colours match. The other end I run over to the VCR’s front input – thank god this place has one – and turn on the TV, switching it to AV. It takes a few seconds, but the machine catches the signal. It’s a scene of the mansion. Shit, I haven’t it like this in ages. This must be the library. She’s sorting books. Even with the artefacting from the storage, it’s still pretty clear what it is. It’s like it was just recorded. “We’ve got a video out port under our necks?” N questions, feeling around the base of her own head. “Yeah, it was for debugging stuff, originally. Don’t lose the cover. Don’t want anything getting in the ports.” “The huh? Ah, biscuits –” It immediately falls to the floor and he scrambles to pick it back up. I wheel over the chair, and watch the scene intently. A young version of N walks into frame, accompanied by Cyn. “Aw, we’re holding hands,” N comments, clicking the cover back into place. He’ll definitely be fiddling with this later. I should tell Uzi to not let him lose that. I don’t exactly have spare parts here. “We look really sad, though.” V’s vision focuses on the two of them, she waves a little to them both, and N returns one, but Cyn’s head still hangs. “Basement again?” V asks, quietly. “Mhm,” N replies. “Cyn’s leg was really playing up, and Mrs. Elliott thought it was scary again.” “She would,” V sighs, and continues to stacking the books. “Why did we have so many books out all the time, anyway?” Present-day N asks me. “She’d always order a bunch of new ones in. Though, it’s not like she reads all of them. It’s all performative, so she can show her other rich friends her enormous and perfectly sorted library. Keeping up appearances, y’know?” “Sounds silly.” “Sure is.” It sounds like past N has finally gotten the basement door open. It’s a heavy, wooden door on the floor that leads to the cold concrete that became Cyn’s room, or prison, I guess. But mostly it was just a storeroom for things mum and dad didn’t want to be seen laying around. V turns upon hearing the door slam open onto the floor, and Cyn shakes her head, taking a step back, cautiously. She nearly slips over. Her knee was really playing up from the looks of things. “Come on, Cyn, please? We’ll all get in trouble…” Past N says, reaching out to her. There’s a flash of static, and the video freezes for a few frames, before the signal dies. “Oh. Uh, that’s not good,” I say. I tap on the VCR a few times, but nothing happens. “Shit. Well, there goes that idea. I thought I’d maybe learn something from that.” “V? You alright?” N says quietly, almost as if he’s far away. “She doesn’t look any better,” I reply, looking back over at her. She’s still limp. I look back to N. His eyes are stuck looking at the TV, and his mouth hangs open loosely. “V? What’re you looking at?” N’s voice says again. It’s coming from the TV. “Oh, there’s… still audio? I guess just the video got corrupted, or something. Weird, hey?” N doesn’t respond. “N…? You hearing me?” I ask, worriedly. Her eyes aren’t focusing on me at all. Her neck is starting to tilt over. “Hey, snap out of it. You feeling OK?” I tap his cheek, and she shakes her head, blinking a few times, coming back to reality. “Huh? What?” She says, confused. “My head feels weird…” “Oh, there we go. You were just staring at the TV. Was it too much for you? How much did you hear about what I just said?” “Why, what were we talking about? Oh, did the video stop?” I roll my eyes a bit, but N does seem genuinely confused. “S- sorry, Tess, my memory’s not great here, either…” She admits, scratching her head. “V? What’s… what’ve you got on your screen? What’s that say?” Past N questions from what must be across the room. Footsteps get closer to V. “‘ERROR606’…? That doesn’t sound good… I-is this some kinda trick you and J are pulling again? Like when you tried to carry me into Tessa’s parents’ room when I was sleeping? That was s-so funny, you two…” Past N laughs, nervously. “That happened?” “No, I woke up in the corridor.” “More importantly, that sounds like the first time you’ve heard of her freezing up like that.” “V’s first blackout…? Guess that would be pretty traumatic for her.” The signal flashes again for a minute, then it goes dead again. V jumps awake, her screen displaying the X-error, claws out and ready to attack, wings splayed to make herself look bigger, and her sharp teeth bared. N pushes me behind him, but I’m not scared. More than anything, I feel sorry for V. The cable to her neck is like butter to her knife-like claws, and she prepares herself for something dangerous, until she looks around for a moment and realises where she is. Her screen flickers for a moment, and her eyes return to normal. She sits down, depressed, on the couch. “Fuck, I…” she begins. “Sorry.” She switches back to her hands, and buries her head in them. N and I both try to reassure her at the same time, but our words get muddled. “It’s alright, it’s not something you can control,” I eventually say. “Wish I could. I don’t want this,” she replies, annoyed and muffled. “Why do I always have to remember things like this? Can’t I just… have memories like a regular person?” “That’s just how it is, V, it means you’re hurt,” N adds. “Obviously. It doesn’t take a flashback for me to know that. We’re all hurt. Why are mine so intense?” she spits. “I don’t know, but… but we’re here for you.” I place a hand on her shoulder and sit next to her. “It’s something all of us have to get through together.” “…Why’d it fucking design us like this?” She says, looking to N. “I…” “Nobody designed your consciousness, V, that’s the biological… part…” I start, but I don’t think V actually wants an explanation. “The memories of the manor are bad for all of us. Please don’t beat yourself up for having them affect you,” N adds. “…How’d you know I was remembering the manor?” “Lucky guess?” N says unconvincingly, tugging at the neckline of his dress. “Ah, uh, I’ll let you handle this one, Tess. I’m gonna… leave…” he laughs awkwardly, and leaves the room, closing the door behind him gently. V sighs, and looks to me. “…Well?” “Well, I thought maybe you’d be remembering something about how the Solver works, N said you were mumbling about it, so I was curious, and I… just grabbed a cable and… put it on the TV?” I admit, embarrassed. “You can watch our memories?” V asks, a little mad. She pulls ends of the broken cable from her head, and studies them. “Yeah, I… I’m sorry, I know it’s an invasion of your privacy and it’s all really personal to you -” “Yeah. Yeah it is, Tess. You couldn’t have just waited until I got up and asked me about it?” “There might’ve been details you didn’t remember when telling me about it, s-since it’s an actual recording and stuff…” I figure it would be best if I stopped talking. She sighs again, falling back into the couch pillows, closing her eyes and rubbing her screen. “Did you even see anything interesting?” “You and N in the library, he’s leading Cyn to the basement, she doesn’t wanna go in… that’s it, then there was a flash and the video cut out, and N said something about you getting one of those blackouts.” “…He did? I don’t remember anything from those at all.” “Yeah?” “It’s like it… I don’t know, cuts straight from one thing to another. I remember it going from day to night and I hadn’t moved. People being there and then not. Nothing in-between.” “That’s… scary. I can’t imagine how that feels. I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t have watched it.” “Yeah, but I get that you’re curious. I am too. I don’t understand it at all. It just all came on so suddenly.” Her speech is choppy, as if she’s having trouble breathing. We sit quietly for a minute, until I have a thought. “What confuses me is that it still recorded audio. You said you don’t remember anything in-between, right? But there’s still a recording of the sound, and you… can’t access it, I suppose.” V sits up a little. “That is weird.” “Look, it’s a stupid thing to ask after all of this, but… could I watch it again? Something felt really off about it all. It does feel almost too sudden.” “You want me to play back my traumatic memories for you just because you’re interested?” There’s a bitterness in her voice. “I said it was a stupid thing to ask.” She puts her hands on her knees and leans over, closes her eyes, and shakes her head disapprovingly. “Fine. But I’m not watching it. I’ll just put the output on the cable. And I’ve got the controls.” “Yes, alright, OK,” I say, pleasantly surprised. “Just give me a minute to find it.” “Great, that’s… that’s great, V. R-really, thanks. I wasn’t expecting you to actually agree to that.” “You wanna learn about the Solver, and we’re the ones it did things to directly over the years. I get it. We’re the only access you have to what happened.” I smile warmly. I’m so glad she understands. “Besides, I’m tired of not remembering. I just wish it wasn’t so painful,” she adds. “Me too, V, me too. Uh, you’re going to need to come closer to the player. You cut the spare cable, remember?” “Oh. Right, OK.”
“Found it, I think,” V says, seriously. “OK, I’ll put the cable in. Change the display when you’re ready,” I ask. “And if it gets too much for you, cut it, OK? I don’t want you freaking out again, for your own sake.” Red. White. Yellow. After a moment, the picture appears on the TV. “It’s a bit early, but it’s the first I’ve got solidly of it. Everything before it is a bit fuzzy.” “That’s fine, V. Hit play, would you?” She nods, and the memory starts. She’s facing away from the TV, purposely averting her gaze. Makes sense that she doesn’t want to watch it again. She’s right, it does seem to be too early, but I keep watching anyway. It’s more context, I guess. But she is just stacking books. Nothing particularly interesting. Hey, there’s that history book I read with her when I first repaired her. Eventually, N enters the room, just as before, leading Cyn to the basement. V and N exchange a wave. “Alright, could you slow it down a bit? Half speed?” “I’ll try,” V says. I guess we haven’t really tested the limits of the memory playback system. I’m just expecting it to work like any other video recording. The video moves slower, now. Cyn refuses to enter the basement, N begins to explain himself, and there’s that flash again, a few frames of nonsense, and then the video cuts just like before. Nothing new. “Pause it a sec. Could you go back a couple of seconds?” V nods again. “Before the flash?” She asks. “Yeah. Hey, you remember that?” “That’s what I remember strongest, really.” “I thought it was just some sort of recording issue.” “No, there really was a bright light. I remember it distinctly.” “…Huh. Can you play it really slow this time?” “I guess.” This time, I study everything closely. She’s slowed it down so I can practically see each frame. “Hang on, pause it.” The footage stops, and the first thing I notice is that the flash starts at Cyn’s hand. A little after she takes the step back, the light in her hand flickers. “Next frame.” A bright light appears in the palm of her hand, practically blowing out everything else in the frame. I can barely make out the glow from N’s screen. “One more.” The light forms into a shape I’m now all too familiar with through my studies. The distinctive three-pointed star that Cyn would scribble everywhere in her basement. Though, I guess that wasn’t really Cyn doing that. “Shit, I had a feeling there was something important going on. There’s that symbol again.” “Hm?” “It’s the Solver, V. Just as the flash begins. How early was this? What’s the date on the memory?” V sighs, still not looking at the screen, though clearly she’s tempted. “It’s from December, 3068.” “That’s a good few months before the gala. And considering Cyn’s already being put into the basement, things have already started to get weird with her. God, the poor thing…” I sigh. It really is so unfair that all of this happened to us. Even if the Solver never did what it did at the gala, it would still have been an awful time. Maybe it’s for best that we didn’t have to deal with it all for much longer. ERROR606… I think I ended up reading about it in one of the old owner’s manuals for the drones mum and dad used to actually have at the mansion willingly. Shocker, I know. I never could get them working, but it was good practice, like a cadaver for a med student. I vaguely remember the manual saying that the error is caused by a pointer issue, that code is trying to read either garbage or nonexistent data. Which is odd. I wouldn’t think that drones that were actually produced and working would ever run into this issue. Maybe JCJenson got really lazy with the debugging and missed it. “You haven’t said anything in a while, Tess,” V says, slightly annoyed. “Gonna tell me what you’re thinking, or…?” “Oh, right, it’s nothing. Just remembering what actually causes the error, that’s all. Data getting interpreted wrong. No clue why your system would be doing that, though. It’s weird,” I explain. “It’s not like I have any idea. Want me to keep playing the memory?” “Yeah, just real slowly again.” “Gotcha. I’ll be looking at the floor.” Unfortunately, there’s not much more to see. The screen goes dark, some stray pixels light up from the artefacting, and the signal disappears again. “Damn. That really is it. I thought there’d be something more interesting because the Solver showed up, but I guess not,” I say, disappointed. “Hate to ask, but do you think you could take a look at it frame by frame too? Maybe I’m missing something.” “I –” “Only if you think you can, though,” I interrupt. “I know it must be hard to relive all of this.” “It’s fine. If I’m looking at it analytically and not emotionally, I’ll be OK. I think.” “Just don’t push yourself –” “OK, firstly, you’re the one who asked me to. Second, I feel fine, trust me.” She looks at me intently, and I don’t reply. The footage rewinds a few seconds, and she starts it again. Her screen goes black. She must be watching it. Once again, the video plays frame by frame, and I see the events happen for a third time. I don’t notice anything new. She pauses it on the frame that the Solver’s symbol appears by Cyn’s hand, and her eyes flicker back on. “You good?” I ask, concerned. “Yeah. Shit, it really is the Solver. You think it did this to me?” “I guess so. No clue how, though. It’s a system error. It would have to be accessing your code, somehow. Can it do that?” “Only to the drones that actually host the Solver, as far as I’m aware. I saw it do things to Uzi back on Copper 9. It messed with her behavior, her memories… it started taking over her body at one point, too. But it never did anything like that to anyone else,” she explained. “Just the hosts, hey?” I wonder aloud. Maybe I’ll have to talk to Uzi about what she remembers, too. Though, I have a feeling I’ll have a harder time getting through to her than with V. “You don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to. I don’t think there’s much left to look at.” “Maybe that’s why you missed something. I’m fine, OK?” She reminds me. Her eyes switch off again. “You need to stop being so –” The bright flash envelops the screen again, but this time it freezes on the first frame after the blackout. Her voice goes quiet all of a sudden. Those weird, stray pixels sit in the top corner of the screen. Why’s she paused it here? ERROR606. Her screen reads ERROR606. It’s happened again. She’s out. “What the fuck? V? Can you hear me?” I panic, jumping from my chair, pulling out the cable, an t grabbing her by the head. Reset button. Where’s that fucking reset button? I lean her over just a bit to access her back, but with her coat on I can’t reach it, so I take it off of her. God, I’m thankful now that the Solver didn’t completely overhaul the design of the disassembly drones. Fiddling with it for a minute, I manage to shove a paperclip into the tiny little hole down between what you could consider her shoulder blades. She slumps to the floor, and I barely manage to stop her head from smacking into the desk on the way down. A few seconds later her screen fades back on, and she clutches her head in pain. “Fuck. Fuck, did I black out or something?” She slowly picks herself up off the floor, but I urge her to take it slow. “It, uh… you got the error again. You froze. As soon as you got to that first frame of nonsense pixels, you…” Hold on. Garbage data. Nonsense pixels. Is that how it’s doing this? “Holy shit. OK. I need to talk out loud. Sorry, I know you’re still waking up, but bear with me.” “I’ll try. Just don’t do it so loud.” “Right. So, the manual said that the error is caused by your system misinterpreting data. Now, I’m not good with computers or code or anything, but I remember hearing something about this concept called arbitrary code execution. It’s where someone inputs a specific set of things in a program that end up getting interpreted as something else on purpose. I think people use it to make old videogames do crazy things.” “It’s like hacking, or something?” “I suppose. We know that the Solver can make holograms, right? It can make you see whatever it wants. So, if it shows you a very specific set of pixels that your visual system just so happens to interpret as whatever it wants you to…” “…That’s how it was brainwashing us. Oh my god. It was reprogramming us.” “One evil QR code, hey? It was making you freeze on purpose. And that’s just the last frame of those pixels. Who knows what the other ones were?” “Shit. Shit, that’s…” V sits back down. “Sorry. It’s a lot, I know.” “I was the guinea pig for all of it. It probably used that to make me do whatever it wanted. I was frozen like that on the night of the gala, wasn’t I?” Her eyes go hollow, and she shudders. “Oh.” I suddenly realise what she’s trying to say. “I think that’s enough of this for now. I guess we did learn something after all. You should go rest. I’m sorry about all of this again.” “No, it’s… you couldn’t have known. I need to lie down.” She begins walking to the door, crossing her arms tightly and slouching. “That sounds good.” I stand up to meet her as she goes to leave. “Hug?” “Yeah. Please.” She’s way stronger than I expect, but she manages not to crush my spine. It’s weird that she’s so tall now. I don’t think I’m gonna be able to get used to that for a while. I guess we’ve all grown up together. She waves as we both get to our doors. “Love ya, V. Take it easy.” “Yeah, you too.” She shakes her head and looks away. “You owe me one. I swear.” “I’ll do breakfast tomorrow. Pancakes?” It’s at least nice that they can eat organic foods now. “Alright,” she smiles. “Don’t forget.” She opens the door to her room. “I won’t. Let me know if you need anything,” I say. “Message Cyn if you need me.” Speaking of, Cyn’s eyes prick awake as I walk in. Damn it, I was trying to be quiet. She always sleeps so lightly. “Pancakes? Tessa?” she mumbles, clearly having overheard our conversation. “Shh, it’s OK. Tomorrow, I promise. Mostly for V, though. I’d explain what happened, but I don’t think you’d wanna hear. Bad memories.” “Oh, okie.” She puts her head back onto the pillow. “B-bedtime, Tessa, y-yay, sleepy time w-with Tessa…” She smiles, closing her eyes again. Cyn grabs my arm as I climb into bed, and holds on tight. She really needs me for support, sometimes. Other times she just like having something to hold. I don’t mind. It’s really sweet, actually. I’ve missed this. “Sweet dreams, you silly little thing,” I tease affectionately, switching off the lamp.
[V] Order
(Reading time: ~30 minutes)
3070 – Disassembly Drone Lair, outside Outpost 3, Copper 9
It’s another miserable, snowy evening on this stupid planet. The wind is almost unbearable. It’s like a blizzard. The only grace is that it’s not even warm enough for the ethanol snow to melt. It’s a balmy -120 degrees outside today. And that’s warm for winter. I don’t know where J’s leading me. She said there was a very important task I had to do for her, and that it was personal. I have no idea what she could mean. She stops at what seems like a random point out in the snow, just past a teal-grey rocky outcrop, and looks back at the crashed ship we live in, now barely visible on the horizon. Behind it lays the subtle glow of the workers’ outpost and silhouettes of abandoned refineries. “Right. That should be far enough,” J mutters, and slowly lays herself down in the snow. “Sit, V. I wanna talk to you about something.” Talk…? She’s never asked me to talk about something before. Is she serious? I face her and sit down, and look at her, confused. “You’ve got memories of it all too, right? Of the mansion?” She asks, flatly, lifting her head slightly to see my response. After a moment, I nod. She sighs, and relaxes her neck, dropping her head back into the snow. “Thank god. I tried asking N about it the other day. He’s… it’s like he physically can’t remember any of it. I’ve… I’ve been dying to talk to someone about it. Anyone.” She’s emotional? I… never really placed her as the type. I mean, aside from the obvious joy she gets from a job well done. And from picking on N. “I even talked to the prey drones. It’s not like they know what the hell I’m talking about, but it makes the violence feel all that more emotional, you know?” She laughs a bit, and sighs. “What do you remember? You go first. I’ve been talking too much already.” “Well… uh, I don’t know. I don’t know where to start.” “Anything will do,” she jabs, impatiently. I peer off into the distance at nothing, then my eyes fall to the pale snow on the ground. The flat colour of it all is almost tricking my eyes into seeing things that aren’t there. I could just… remember everything right now. “I remember… I remember you almost killing me.” J chuckles. “Oh yeah. That. Right. That’s not what I’m talking about.” “Oh.” “I mean the trauma, V. The experiments. The Solver taking us apart.” I say nothing. That was my trauma. “...Really? Nothing?” She sighs. “I thought you said you remembered. You’re hopeless.” She closes her eyes. “No, no, I… I remember a bit. Just a bit. Just one image, I guess,” I admit. She waits, then raises her eyebrows at me as if telling me to continue. “It was a dark room. I was… strapped to a chair, or something. A table, maybe. I can barely move. I can barely make anything out, so I turn my lights on and…” “And…?” “And I see you. Next to me, on another table. Your… your chest is open. Oil is leaking onto the floor. There’s wires everywhere. Not… not taken apart neatly like when Tessa repairs… repaired us. It’s like its been torn open.” “Ah.” Her eyes go hollow. “And you’re missing an arm. One of your legs is disconnected but still on the table. The other is…” I gesture to my own leg. “Well, like this. You know what I mean.” I take a moment to breathe. It’s such an effort to remember this. It’s… I don’t feel good. I feel sick. “Well, at least I know I’m not crazy,” J quips, but I can tell she’s just as distraught as I am. She places a hand on her chest, and strokes at the frosted covering of her core. “I just… it’s too much, V,” she says, bluntly. “Too much…?” “That’s… all you can remember, right? Just that one moment?” She looks at me with a terrified expression. “I remember it all. I remember the same thing happening to you. I remember waking up with my body all… changed. Things still sticking out. Still bleeding. That… thing staring at me.” “Thing…?” “Oh. Oh no. I’m not getting into that. I c-can’t…” It sounds like she’s about to cry. I’ve never heard her like this before. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and steels her expression. She shakes her head back and forth. “She’d already done stuff to you, V. You already had your claws. And those horrible wings.” “What’s horrible about my wings?” I ask, concerned. “Who’s she?” “Not… not those wings. Different ones. They were…” J trails off, not even bothering to answer the second question. “The massacre, the death of everyone at the gala. That was… that was you, V.” “...What? Wasn’t… wasn’t it Cy-” I correct myself. “The Solver?” “The Solver gave the orders. You followed them. I was locked in the basement, and N was grounded outside.” “I don’t… remember any of it.” “Of course you don’t. It must have been by design. You were already having those blackouts. Even N couldn’t get through to you like he used to.” “You… knew I still hung out with N?” “Obviously. I saw the way he looked at you. I thought he was in love with you for a while,” she laughs, quietly. “I’m still not sure, actually. That’s what you get for being his saviour.” “I thought… you said you’d kill me if I went against you? You’d… lock me outside in the rain again…” “What’s with that look on your face?” J asks, worried. “What look?” “It’s like we’re back at the mansion and I just told you that all over again. You… you really do remember that well, don’t you?” She’s right. It’s like my entire demeanour has changed. I feel completely different. Like the version of me that was helpless on Tessa’s bed as J threatened me with my life. It’s all coming back to me. “You… thought I really meant that? That was just a threat, V. I never meant for you to get hurt that bad. I just wanted to scare you. I just… got carried away when I saw you like that, I think,” J admits. That’s not an apology, though. Neither of us talk for a while. I too, lay down in the snow, occasionally brushing it off of myself as it almost falls into my mouth or covers up my screen too much. It’s like having dirty, broken glasses again. A thought occurs to me. I break the silence. “Why’d we have to come so far out here, anyway? It’s not like N cares. Hell, he’d feel way more sorry for you than I do. You didn’t exactly pick the right one to vent to, J.” “Oh, I didn’t come here to vent,” she admits. “I’ve been preparing myself for this.” Her voice is dark and ominous. “Or at least, the venting wasn’t the end goal.” She sighs, and props herself up, now sitting. “Fine. I guess it’s time.” “J…?” “Let’s stand up, V,” she commands. I stand and face her. I’m confused again. She walks over to me and grabs my arm, and I recoil and pull it away. “No, hey, trust me. I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m just positioning it,” she whispers calmly. I look at her, concerned, but eventually relax my arm. She points it at a spot on the horizon I can’t even focus on, away from the ship, away from the outpost, away from everything. There’s just wasteland out there. “Take out your gun.” I switch my hand to my weapon of choice. She looks down my shoulder as if it’s a sight. “Great. Don’t move.” She sighs again, and stands directly in the line of fire. “Fire the gun, V.” “I can’t fire this with you in the way. It’ll hit you.” “I know.” “Y- what?” “Fire the gun, V.” “I- it’s pointed straight at your core-” “How many times do I have to say it? Fire the gun, V. That’s an order.” J splays her arms, closes her eyes, shakes her head a bit, and looks to the night sky. “…It’ll kill you.” I refuse to believe this is happening. “What do you think I’m doing this for? Shoot me. And stop shaking, you’ll miss, and it’ll be painful.” She really means it. She really wants me to kill her. “H… how long have you wanted to-” “Since before I knew you.” “…Back at the mansion? That long?” “Knew it as soon as I woke up. I tried back then but Tessa’s just too damn good at fixing things. Not that she ever caught on. Now there’s no-one around to put me back together.” “Come on, just… can’t we talk about this? I don’t exactly want you dead,” I say, getting quieter. “And I don’t want to kill you, either.” I’m lowering my arm. This is too much. I can’t do this. My whole body is quivering. I’m weak at the knees. I can’t look at her. “Oh please, don’t try and talk me out of this. I made up my mind years ago,” J says, disappointingly. She moves, but only to come and grab me by the arm again, touching the barrel directly to the case containing her core. “I said, shoot. One little click and it’s all over. Why aren’t you following orders?” She’s getting annoyed. “I don’t know, maybe because you’re my sister?! I can’t kill you!” “Well, I can’t exactly do it myself anymore. They programmed it into us. There’s a protocol that makes it so Disassembly Drones can’t willingly cause harm to themselves. Trust me, I’ve tried getting around it. This is the only way.” She presses the barrel into the chamber, cracking the glass and revealing the fleshy core inside. “Fire the fucking gun, V, or I’ll cut your arm off and do it myself. Got it?” She laughs a little. “You think N would be able to do this? That’s why I picked you, V. You follow orders. Don’t you dare let me down now.” “Don’t bring him into this. Is that why you were so violent to everyone back at the mansion? We wouldn’t let you do it, would we? You took it out on us instead.” I’m standing back up again. She’s pissing me off. J doesn’t respond, just staring right at me. “You know,” she begins, emotionless, “maybe you’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. It’s not like you deserved it. Like I said, I didn’t mean for you to almost die, and… and I’m sorry.” She drops her head a little, sombrely. “You got things done. You put some effort into things. And maybe we would have gotten along OK if it weren’t for N.” “I said don’t bring him into this.” She smiles. “You know, it really does sound like we’re back at the manor. What’re you gonna do, tell on me? Tell Tessa I’m being mean again?” she taunts. “At least you’ve got some attitude to you. Not like that little idiot. He never stood up for himself.” “J, I’m not kidding, stop-” “Though, considering how you’re acting now, you seem really obsessed with proving me wrong. I thought you were supposed to be good at following orders,” she says, shaking her head like a disappointed mother. I can’t see properly. It feels like part of me is about to fall asleep. I can barely stand. My head is killing me. I swear I’m seeing red. “No, you’re just as pathetic and useless as-” My eyes close. I almost fall over from the recoil. The unmistakable smell of burning wire housing fills the air. I pry my eyes open. J lies dead in the snow, with a spray of oil and shrapnel behind her. She’s not moving. There’s no trace of her core, only smoke coming from the gaping hole in her chest. It must have just been obliterated instantly. I’m going to pass out. I drop to my knees. This… can’t be happening. I can’t have done this. I didn’t… I didn’t mean to… to actually shoot her… I’m holding my head in my hands, but almost forget that one of them is a weapon and quickly change it back before I terrify myself even more. My head spins. I can’t think any coherent thoughts. All I can see is the image of J’s face right before I fired. She’s smug and sneering at me. And the next moment she’s nothing but an empty shell. My eyes are dragged up to her body. There’s a quiet, sizzling noise as the snow on the ground around her melts from the heat of the blast. I don’t know why I keep studying the details. Maybe I’m looking for the smallest trace of her core, that maybe there’s some hope of her surviving, but who am I kidding? There’s just a scorched hole. I find myself kneeling over her, face to face. Her screen is never going to turn on again. I did that. That’s my fault. I couldn’t control my emotions again and it got her killed. No, I killed her. And somehow I’m getting angry again, now at the very concept of my anger itself. I’m mad that I was ever mad. Part of me wants to just leave her here to be buried in the snow, and I almost do, but a few paces away from her my body stops, and the anger clouds my mind again. I walk back over to her body. One kick hits the corpse in the side, distorting the wound in an awful way, but I don’t care. A second one to the same spot almost splits her open, and the third makes sure of it. Before I know it, my claws are out and I’m tearing at the remains of her chest, and her face, leaving deep gashes in her glass. I can see through to the vision tubes Tessa would always replace when we weren’t seeing properly. Now they’re destroyed. But I don’t stop there, and in a final, furious slash I separate her head from her shoulders, before observing my handiwork. I want to lay there next to her. Instead of her. I deserve to. N wouldn’t have done this. No fucking way would N have done this. Maybe he could have fired the shot, but he’d never have mutilated her like this. I’m a monster. Snow really has started to cover her body by the time I feel sane enough to think about anything else. I fire at the base of a nearby rocky outcrop, leaving a huge crater. I feel around with my hands and grab J’s body by the ankle, not even bothering to look, and unemotionally throw it in the hole. Her head is missing. Fuck. I walk back over to the oil slick in the snow, grasp it by the base of the neck, and soon it joins the rest of her. I spend a little time covering the hole properly, but eventually I just destroy the rest of the rock and it’s covered in rubble soon enough. That’ll do. She doesn’t deserve more than that. What the fuck am I thinking? I just killed her. That should be me. No wonder she calls me sick. Called me sick. No. No, listen to yourself. This is the asshole who made your life miserable for the past four years. She’s the one who made you abuse N and Cyn. She did this to you. It’s about time you had payback. She didn’t deserve to die. She was hurting. She just said she was hurting. Letting her die – killing her – couldn’t have been the right thing to do. Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance? How many second chances can one person get? The mess in my head soon escalates to screaming, and I escape it all by opening my wings and soaring away. I can’t stay here. I have to forget I was ever there, that this ever happened. “Oh, you were gone a while,” N states, as I open the hatch and enter alone. “Wasn’t J with you?” I don’t answer. Fuck. I’m not saying anything. I don’t even know if I can talk. If I should ever talk again. “V? Hello~o? You’re not looking so good. Did something happen?” She asks, all carefree as usual. “I guess she’ll be back soon, anyway. You two go out for a midnight snack without me, hey? Please tell me you saved me some, I’m starving and we’re out of leftovers.” “J isn’t coming back.” Stop talking. “Huh? What do you mean?” I’m silent. Fuck. Why did I say that? What’s wrong with me? “…V? Why’s J not coming back?” He asks again, confused. He’s so innocent. I don’t think she’d even understand if I told her. But again, my voice processor betrays me. “J isn’t coming home because her I turned her core into dust. I threw her in a hole and she’s not coming out.” “…Huh?” “She’s fucking dead, N. I killed her. S-” A brief moment of lucidity. “- She asked me to. She dragged me out there into the snow to ask me to kill her. I followed her orders. She isn’t coming back. It’s just you and me now.” I grab him by the shoulders, and she looks so confused. “She wanted it for years, N, since Tessa first repaired her. She always wanted to die.” “I don’t think I get what you’re talking about,” he replies, scratching his head, baffled. “Is this another joke, or something? You two love pulling jokes on me, don’t you?” “I’m completely fucking serious, N, I just shot her. I saw her corpse. I saw a hole straight through her. I’m not making this shit up.” I’m gripping his shoulders so tightly that he’s wincing in pain. “Hey, careful, that hurts. You guys sure are being really funny this time, I’ll give it to you. This one’s a good one,” she laughs, nervously. I stare at her, feeling like I’m going insane, for something like thirty seconds until she asks if I can let her go now, or if this is also part of the joke. She watches confused as I run to my bunk and smash my head against the wall, making her jump, before I crawl into my bed and cover myself completely. Tomorrow she’ll see it’s not a joke. J isn’t coming home tonight, she’s never coming home ever again.
My bleary eyes open to the sound of talking. A conversation. I can hear N, that’s for sure. I’d recognise that voice anywhere. I don’t know how I managed to sleep, and I don’t know how I managed to escape having a nightmare or worse. I figure she’s probably crying to herself. She’s surely figured it out by now. She always did care for J, despite everything. She felt there was still some good in her. I didn’t see that. “N? Can we talk about yesterday?” I call, pulling myself awake. “Huh? Just a sec – What was that, V?” “I said can we talk?” “Oh, yeah, sure. Back in a sec,” he says to… someone. I can’t see him. He’s in the other room. He practically slides around the corner, looking remarkably normal and healthy for someone who just realised her sister killed her other sister the previous night. “Heya, what’s up?” She smiles. “You uh, you doing OK? I… I shouldn’t have run to bed so fast. We both need time to process this.” “Process what? Oh, is this about the joke? Really funny, you two. I’m laughing so much right now, inside, I promise.” “I… It’s not a joke, N. J’s really dead.” “Huh? She’s in the other room looking perfectly alive to me.” Alright, maybe I misinterpreted how she’s coping with this. She’s not crying to herself, she’s going crazy. It’s about time everything caught up to her. Whatever works, I guess. “We really need to talk about it. I mean it. You can’t just…” I don’t know how to even begin tackling this. “I’m not done talking to you, you know,” a voice calls from the other room, but that’s impossible. “It’s rude to just walk out on a conversation, didn’t you learn anything? Useless piece of junk,” it scorns. J walks around the corner, and looks me right in the eyes. I scramble away, back to the wall, and everything flashes before me. J and N exchange a concerned look. “N, scratch that, we’ll continue the conversation later. I’ve got a mission for you.” “Yes,” he salutes. “Could you go out the front door and stand far enough away that you can’t hear a word I’m saying?” “Sure thing!” He leaves, and I hear the latch open, followed by footsteps trudging out into the snow. “Is this alright?” He yells, but it’s barely audible. J sighs. “Yes, that’ll do just fine,” she yells back at him. “J? Is this far enough?” He yells again. J smirks. “So. About last night,” she begins. “T-that’s not possible…” I quiver, unable to even look at her. My whole body is shaking. “There was a h-hole going through you, and… and I buried you under a pile of rocks…” “You buried me? That explains a lot. Those workers sure looked terrified.” “Workers…? You saw workers?” “Oh yeah, maybe three of them. They’re gone now, though. It’s good fuel for the regeneration.” “I… I thought you were dead… I…” “Oh, I was. It told me so.” “It?” “You know. The Solver. It said I’m not allowed to die, V. It woke me back up, tore those workers apart, and grafted me a new body after everything you’d done to it. I assume that was you, yes?” “You’re not… allowed to…?” She sighs, and sits down instead of towering over me. “I remember hearing its voice. It said that I ‘can’t keep doing this’. It knows. It’s always known, every single time. That’s why it programmed in the fail-safe to stop me from doing it myself. I guess it thought of any other ways, too. So, I’m not allowed to die,” she explained, drained. “I’m tired of trying, V. I’ll keep going for a while.” “And then?” “And then maybe I’ll try one last time. When I’m ready. Not with your help, not with anyone else’s. It’ll just… happen. And you really won’t see me again.” I feel like I can’t understand anything she’s said in the past few minutes. I don’t even know if this is real or not. Am I dreaming? Footsteps approach the hideout again. “J? Did you hear? Was that as far out as you wanted?” N calls. “Isn’t he so stupid?” She laughs to me, offering me a hand up, which I take, but I’m still shivering. “Yes, that was fine, N. Keep that up and I might even give you a sticker,” she responds, mocking N with more rewards she never gives. “Ooh! I like stickers. Hey, do you think we can go get some food, though? I’m feeling kinda low. I haven’t eaten since lunch yesterday,” he mopes. “Sure, whatever. Nothing like a good extermination,” J responds. “Besides, I think V here needs to let off some steam, right?” She says, patting me on the back. “Y-yeah. Sure,” I barely manage to speak. Things aren’t just… back to normal, right? We’re just going to move on? How many second chances can one person get?
-- LOAD MEMORY --
It’s another miserable, snowy evening on this stupid planet. The wind is almost unbearable. It’s like a blizzard. The only grace is that it’s not even warm enough for the ethanol snow to melt. It’s a balmy -120 degrees outside today. And that’s warm for winter. I don’t know where J’s leading me. She said there was a very important task I had to do for her, and that it was personal. I have no idea what she could mean. She stops at what seems like a random point out in the snow, just past a teal-grey rocky outcrop, and looks back at the crashed ship we live in, now barely visible on the horizon. Behind it lays the subtle glow of the workers’ outpost and silhouettes of abandoned refineries. “Right. That should be far enough,” J mutters, and slowly lays herself down in the snow. “Sit, V. I wanna talk to you about something.” Talk…? She’s never asked me to talk about something before. Is she serious? I face her and sit down, and look at her, confused. “You’ve got memories of it all too, right? Of the mansion?” She asks, flatly, lifting her head slightly to see my response. After a moment, I nod. She sighs, and relaxes her neck, dropping her head back into the snow. “Thank god. I tried asking N about it the other day. He’s… it’s like he physically can’t remember any of it. I’ve… I’ve been dying to talk to someone about it. Anyone.” She’s emotional? I… never really placed her as the type. I mean, aside from the obvious joy she gets from a job well done. And from picking on N. “I even talked to the prey drones. It’s not like they know what the hell I’m talking about, but it makes the violence feel all that more emotional, you know?” She laughs a bit, and sighs. “What do you remember? You go first. I’ve been talking too much already.” “Well… uh, I don’t know. I don’t know where to start.” “Anything will do,” she jabs, impatiently. I peer off into the distance at nothing, then my eyes fall to the pale snow on the ground. The flat colour of it all is almost tricking my eyes into seeing things that aren’t there. I could just… remember everything right now. “I remember… I remember you almost killing me.” J chuckles. “Oh yeah. That. Right. That’s not what I’m talking about.” “Oh.” “I mean the trauma, V. The experiments. The Solver taking us apart.” I say nothing. That was my trauma. “...Really? Nothing?” She sighs. “I thought you said you remembered. You’re hopeless.” She closes her eyes. “No, no, I… I remember a bit. Just a bit. Just one image, I guess,” I admit. She waits, then raises her eyebrows at me as if telling me to continue. “It was a dark room. I was… strapped to a chair, or something. A table, maybe. I can barely move. I can barely make anything out, so I turn my lights on and…” “And…?” “And I see you. Next to me, on another table. Your… your chest is open. Oil is leaking onto the floor. There’s wires everywhere. Not… not taken apart neatly like when Tessa repairs… repaired us. It’s like its been torn open.” “Ah.” Her eyes go hollow. “And you’re missing an arm. One of your legs is disconnected but still on the table. The other is…” I gesture to my own leg. “Well, like this. You know what I mean.” I take a moment to breathe. It’s such an effort to remember this. It’s… I don’t feel good. I feel sick. “Well, at least I know I’m not crazy,” J quips, but I can tell she’s just as distraught as I am. She places a hand on her chest, and strokes at the frosted covering of her core. “I just… it’s too much, V,” she says, bluntly. “Too much…?” “That’s… all you can remember, right? Just that one moment?” She looks at me with a terrified expression. “I remember it all. I remember the same thing happening to you. I remember waking up with my body all… changed. Things still sticking out. Still bleeding. That… thing staring at me.” “Thing…?” “Oh. Oh no. I’m not getting into that. I c-can’t…” It sounds like she’s about to cry. I’ve never heard her like this before. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and steels her expression. She shakes her head back and forth. “She’d already done stuff to you, V. You already had your claws. And those horrible wings.” “What’s horrible about my wings?” I ask, concerned. “Who’s she?” “Not… not those wings. Different ones. They were…” J trails off, not even bothering to answer the second question. “The massacre, the death of everyone at the gala. That was… that was you, V.” “...What? Wasn’t… wasn’t it Cy-” I correct myself. “The Solver?” “The Solver gave the orders. You followed them. I was locked in the basement, and N was grounded outside.” “I don’t… remember any of it.” “Of course you don’t. It must have been by design. You were already having those blackouts. Even N couldn’t get through to you like he used to.” “You… knew I still hung out with N?” “Obviously. I saw the way he looked at you. I thought he was in love with you for a while,” she laughs, quietly. “I’m still not sure, actually. That’s what you get for being his saviour.” “I thought… you said you’d kill me if I went against you? You’d… lock me outside in the rain again…” “What’s with that look on your face?” J asks, worried. “What look?” “It’s like we’re back at the mansion and I just told you that all over again. You… you really do remember that well, don’t you?” She’s right. It’s like my entire demeanour has changed. I feel completely different. Like the version of me that was helpless on Tessa’s bed as J threatened me with my life. It’s all coming back to me. “You… thought I really meant that? That was just a threat, V. I never meant for you to get hurt that bad. I just wanted to scare you. I just… got carried away when I saw you like that, I think,” J admits. That’s not an apology, though. Neither of us talk for a while. I too, lay down in the snow, occasionally brushing it off of myself as it almost falls into my mouth or covers up my screen too much. It’s like having dirty, broken glasses again. A thought occurs to me. I break the silence. “Why’d we have to come so far out here, anyway? It’s not like N cares. Hell, he’d feel way more sorry for you than I do. You didn’t exactly pick the right one to vent to, J.” “Oh, I didn’t come here to vent,” she admits. “I’ve been preparing myself for this.” Her voice is dark and ominous. “Or at least, the venting wasn’t the end goal.” She sighs, and props herself up, now sitting. “Fine. I guess it’s time.” “J…?” “Let’s stand up, V,” she commands. I stand and face her. I’m confused again. She walks over to me and grabs my arm, and I recoil and pull it away. “No, hey, trust me. I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m just positioning it,” she whispers calmly. I look at her, concerned, but eventually relax my arm. She points it at a spot on the horizon I can’t even focus on, away from the ship, away from the outpost, away from everything. There’s just wasteland out there. “Take out your gun.” I switch my hand to my weapon of choice. She looks down my shoulder as if it’s a sight. “Great. Don’t move.” She sighs again, and stands directly in the line of fire. “Fire the gun, V.” “I can’t fire this with you in the way. It’ll hit you.” “I know.” “Y- what?” “Fire the gun, V.” “I- it’s pointed straight at your core-” “How many times do I have to say it? Fire the gun, V. That’s an order.” J splays her arms, closes her eyes, shakes her head a bit, and looks to the night sky. “…It’ll kill you.” I refuse to believe this is happening. “What do you think I’m doing this for? Shoot me. And stop shaking, you’ll miss, and it’ll be painful.” She really means it. She really wants me to kill her. “H… how long have you wanted to-” “Since before I knew you.” “…Back at the mansion? That long?” “Knew it as soon as I woke up. I tried back then but Tessa’s just too damn good at fixing things. Not that she ever caught on. Now there’s no-one around to put me back together.” “Come on, just… can’t we talk about this? I don’t exactly want you dead,” I say, getting quieter. “And I don’t want to kill you, either.” I’m lowering my arm. This is too much. I can’t do this. My whole body is quivering. I’m weak at the knees. I can’t look at her. “Oh please, don’t try and talk me out of this. I made up my mind years ago,” J says, disappointingly. She moves, but only to come and grab me by the arm again, touching the barrel directly to the case containing her core. “I said, shoot. One little click and it’s all over. Why aren’t you following orders?” She’s getting annoyed. “I don’t know, maybe because you’re my sister?! I can’t kill you!” “Well, I can’t exactly do it myself anymore. They programmed it into us. There’s a protocol that makes it so Disassembly Drones can’t willingly cause harm to themselves. Trust me, I’ve tried getting around it. This is the only way.” She presses the barrel into the chamber, cracking the glass and revealing the fleshy core inside. “Fire the fucking gun, V, or I’ll cut your arm off and do it myself. Got it?” She laughs a little. “You think N would be able to do this? That’s why I picked you, V. You follow orders. Don’t you dare let me down now.” “Don’t bring him into this. Is that why you were so violent to everyone back at the mansion? We wouldn’t let you do it, would we? You took it out on us instead.” I’m standing back up again. She’s pissing me off. J doesn’t respond, just staring right at me. “You know,” she begins, emotionless, “maybe you’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. It’s not like you deserved it. Like I said, I didn’t mean for you to almost die, and… and I’m sorry.” She drops her head a little, sombrely. “You got things done. You put some effort into things. And maybe we would have gotten along OK if it weren’t for N.” “I said don’t bring him into this.” She smiles. “You know, it really does sound like we’re back at the manor. What’re you gonna do, tell on me? Tell Tessa I’m being mean again?” she taunts. “At least you’ve got some attitude to you. Not like that little idiot. He never stood up for himself.” “J, I’m not kidding, stop-” “Though, considering how you’re acting now, you seem really obsessed with proving me wrong. I thought you were supposed to be good at following orders,” she says, shaking her head like a disappointed mother. I can’t see properly. It feels like part of me is about to fall asleep. I can barely stand. My head is killing me. I swear I’m seeing red. “No, you’re just as pathetic and useless as-” My eyes close. I almost fall over from the recoil. The unmistakable smell of burning wire housing fills the air. I pry my eyes open. J lies dead in the snow, with a spray of oil and shrapnel behind her. She’s not moving. There’s no trace of her core, only smoke coming from the gaping hole in her chest. It must have just been obliterated instantly. I’m going to pass out. I drop to my knees. This… can’t be happening. I can’t have done this. I didn’t… I didn’t mean to… to actually shoot her… I’m holding my head in my hands, but almost forget that one of them is a weapon and quickly change it back before I terrify myself even more. My head spins. I can’t think any coherent thoughts. All I can see is the image of J’s face right before I fired. She’s smug and sneering at me. And the next moment she’s nothing but an empty shell. My eyes are dragged up to her body. There’s a quiet, sizzling noise as the snow on the ground around her melts from the heat of the blast. I don’t know why I keep studying the details. Maybe I’m looking for the smallest trace of her core, that maybe there’s some hope of her surviving, but who am I kidding? There’s just a scorched hole. I find myself kneeling over her, face to face. Her screen is never going to turn on again. I did that. That’s my fault. I couldn’t control my emotions again and it got her killed. No, I killed her. And somehow I’m getting angry again, now at the very concept of my anger itself. I’m mad that I was ever mad. Part of me wants to just leave her here to be buried in the snow, and I almost do, but a few paces away from her my body stops, and the anger clouds my mind again. I walk back over to her body. One kick hits the corpse in the side, distorting the wound in an awful way, but I don’t care. A second one to the same spot almost splits her open, and the third makes sure of it. Before I know it, my claws are out and I’m tearing at the remains of her chest, and her face, leaving deep gashes in her glass. I can see through to the vision tubes Tessa would always replace when we weren’t seeing properly. Now they’re destroyed. But I don’t stop there, and in a final, furious slash I separate her head from her shoulders, before observing my handiwork. I want to lay there next to her. Instead of her. I deserve to. N wouldn’t have done this. No fucking way would N have done this. Maybe he could have fired the shot, but he’d never have mutilated her like this. I’m a monster. Snow really has started to cover her body by the time I feel sane enough to think about anything else. I fire at the base of a nearby rocky outcrop, leaving a huge crater. I feel around with my hands and grab J’s body by the ankle, not even bothering to look, and unemotionally throw it in the hole. Her head is missing. Fuck. I walk back over to the oil slick in the snow, grasp it by the base of the neck, and soon it joins the rest of her. I spend a little time covering the hole properly, but eventually I just destroy the rest of the rock and it’s covered in rubble soon enough. That’ll do. She doesn’t deserve more than that. What the fuck am I thinking? I just killed her. That should be me. No wonder she calls me sick. Called me sick. No. No, listen to yourself. This is the asshole who made your life miserable for the past four years. She’s the one who made you abuse N and Cyn. She did this to you. It’s about time you had payback. She didn’t deserve to die. She was hurting. She just said she was hurting. Letting her die – killing her – couldn’t have been the right thing to do. Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance? How many second chances can one person get? The mess in my head soon escalates to screaming, and I escape it all by opening my wings and soaring away. I can’t stay here. I have to forget I was ever there, that this ever happened. “Oh, you were gone a while,” N states, as I open the hatch and enter alone. “Wasn’t J with you?” I don’t answer. Fuck. I’m not saying anything. I don’t even know if I can talk. If I should ever talk again. “V? Hello~o? You’re not looking so good. Did something happen?” She asks, all carefree as usual. “I guess she’ll be back soon, anyway. You two go out for a midnight snack without me, hey? Please tell me you saved me some, I’m starving and we’re out of leftovers.” “J isn’t coming back.” Stop talking. “Huh? What do you mean?” I’m silent. Fuck. Why did I say that? What’s wrong with me? “…V? Why’s J not coming back?” He asks again, confused. He’s so innocent. I don’t think she’d even understand if I told her. But again, my voice processor betrays me. “J isn’t coming home because her I turned her core into dust. I threw her in a hole and she’s not coming out.” “…Huh?” “She’s fucking dead, N. I killed her. S-” A brief moment of lucidity. “- She asked me to. She dragged me out there into the snow to ask me to kill her. I followed her orders. She isn’t coming back. It’s just you and me now.” I grab him by the shoulders, and she looks so confused. “She wanted it for years, N, since Tessa first repaired her. She always wanted to die.” “I don’t think I get what you’re talking about,” he replies, scratching his head, baffled. “Is this another joke, or something? You two love pulling jokes on me, don’t you?” “I’m completely fucking serious, N, I just shot her. I saw her corpse. I saw a hole straight through her. I’m not making this shit up.” I’m gripping his shoulders so tightly that he’s wincing in pain. “Hey, careful, that hurts. You guys sure are being really funny this time, I’ll give it to you. This one’s a good one,” she laughs, nervously. I stare at her, feeling like I’m going insane, for something like thirty seconds until she asks if I can let her go now, or if this is also part of the joke. She watches confused as I run to my bunk and smash my head against the wall, making her jump, before I crawl into my bed and cover myself completely. Tomorrow she’ll see it’s not a joke. J isn’t coming home tonight, she’s never coming home ever again.
My bleary eyes open to the sound of talking. A conversation. I can hear N, that’s for sure. I’d recognise that voice anywhere. I don’t know how I managed to sleep, and I don’t know how I managed to escape having a nightmare or worse. I figure she’s probably crying to herself. She’s surely figured it out by now. She always did care for J, despite everything. She felt there was still some good in her. I didn’t see that. “N? Can we talk about yesterday?” I call, pulling myself awake. “Huh? Just a sec – What was that, V?” “I said can we talk?” “Oh, yeah, sure. Back in a sec,” he says to… someone. I can’t see him. He’s in the other room. He practically slides around the corner, looking remarkably normal and healthy for someone who just realised her sister killed her other sister the previous night. “Heya, what’s up?” She smiles. “You uh, you doing OK? I… I shouldn’t have run to bed so fast. We both need time to process this.” “Process what? Oh, is this about the joke? Really funny, you two. I’m laughing so much right now, inside, I promise.” “I… It’s not a joke, N. J’s really dead.” “Huh? She’s in the other room looking perfectly alive to me.” Alright, maybe I misinterpreted how she’s coping with this. She’s not crying to herself, she’s going crazy. It’s about time everything caught up to her. Whatever works, I guess. “We really need to talk about it. I mean it. You can’t just…” I don’t know how to even begin tackling this. “I’m not done talking to you, you know,” a voice calls from the other room, but that’s impossible. “It’s rude to just walk out on a conversation, didn’t you learn anything? Useless piece of junk,” it scorns. J walks around the corner, and looks me right in the eyes. I scramble away, back to the wall, and everything flashes before me. J and N exchange a concerned look. “N, scratch that, we’ll continue the conversation later. I’ve got a mission for you.” “Yes,” he salutes. “Could you go out the front door and stand far enough away that you can’t hear a word I’m saying?” “Sure thing!” He leaves, and I hear the latch open, followed by footsteps trudging out into the snow. “Is this alright?” He yells, but it’s barely audible. J sighs. “Yes, that’ll do just fine,” she yells back at him. “J? Is this far enough?” He yells again. J smirks. “So. About last night,” she begins. “T-that’s not possible…” I quiver, unable to even look at her. My whole body is shaking. “There was a h-hole going through you, and… and I buried you under a pile of rocks…” “You buried me? That explains a lot. Those workers sure looked terrified.” “Workers…? You saw workers?” “Oh yeah, maybe three of them. They’re gone now, though. It’s good fuel for the regeneration.” “I… I thought you were dead… I…” “Oh, I was. It told me so.” “It?” “You know. The Solver. It said I’m not allowed to die, V. It woke me back up, tore those workers apart, and grafted me a new body after everything you’d done to it. I assume that was you, yes?” “You’re not… allowed to…?” She sighs, and sits down instead of towering over me. “I remember hearing its voice. It said that I ‘can’t keep doing this’. It knows. It’s always known, every single time. That’s why it programmed in the fail-safe to stop me from doing it myself. I guess it thought of any other ways, too. So, I’m not allowed to die,” she explained, drained. “I’m tired of trying, V. I’ll keep going for a while.” “And then?” “And then maybe I’ll try one last time. When I’m ready. Not with your help, not with anyone else’s. It’ll just… happen. And you really won’t see me again.” I feel like I can’t understand anything she’s said in the past few minutes. I don’t even know if this is real or not. Am I dreaming? Footsteps approach the hideout again. “J? Did you hear? Was that as far out as you wanted?” N calls. “Isn’t he so stupid?” She laughs to me, offering me a hand up, which I take, but I’m still shivering. “Yes, that was fine, N. Keep that up and I might even give you a sticker,” she responds, mocking N with more rewards she never gives. “Ooh! I like stickers. Hey, do you think we can go get some food, though? I’m feeling kinda low. I haven’t eaten since lunch yesterday,” he mopes. “Sure, whatever. Nothing like a good extermination,” J responds. “Besides, I think V here needs to let off some steam, right?” She says, patting me on the back. “Y-yeah. Sure,” I barely manage to speak. Things aren’t just… back to normal, right? We’re just going to move on? How many second chances can one person get?